Thai the Knot written by Patcharaporn “Pop” Soisangwan (ISBN
978-988-19002-6-5, Blacksmith Books, 2011) has the subtitle How to Untangle
the Complexities of Cross-cultural Marriage, so is very pertinent for many
westerners living in Pattaya. Cross-cultural marriage is the norm in
Pattaya, and western wives are definitely in the minority.
In the introduction, author Pop says that “This book is for the helpless and
hapless, a guide to help you navigate the shark-infested waters (read
annoying habits that make you want to shove your foot up your spouse’s
behind) of a committed relationship with a Thai.
Author Pop goes to enormous lengths to show that the norms for Thai women
depend upon many factors, such as skin color, how rich are the parents, what
level of society she comes from, whether the Thai woman has tertiary
education and English language abilities, and even estimate her IQ level. It
is proposed that prospective husbands should evaluate the woman and the
woman’s parents before choosing. This clinical meat market approach I found
disturbing. Being an old romantic I could not see the wriggle room in the
Thai women’s culture for that old fashioned concept called “love”. It is
often discussed in the western groups as to whether Thai women are actually
capable of “love”, with many feeling that the only thing that a Thai woman
loves is money. The reader is warned that “…if you marry a woman of lower
status, you’ll be marrying her parents too and will have to pay to bring
them up to your status.”
The stereotypical westerner from the Thai point of view is temperamental,
paranoid, distant from his family and stingy. Of all those (presumed)
attributes, being stingy is the most heinous. To overcome this label, the
book suggests you should be generous with her family, fulfilling her
cultural needs (obviously the financial ones) for self esteem.
What comes across with absolute clarity, is that the westerner will have to
live with the particular foibles of the Thai. Do not expect the Thai to
change, even when living overseas with the western husband. Old habits do
not die hard - old habits are adhered to rigidly. If you are about to commit
yourself to a relationship with a Thai, always remember that Thai cultural
norms come first. Your western values come a very poor second. She admits
that cross-cultural relationships do involve some extra level of struggle;
however, she also believes that “women’s basic needs are universal”, but
then spends most of the book showing where Thai women’s basic needs are much
more culture specific.
Her final words are “Keep the right attitude and you’ll learn to live with a
Thai woman and survive.” If this inexpensive book can assist you in that, it
is worth the B. 330 price in Bookazine Big C Extra. And lots of luck from
the reviewer too! Personally I found all the advice very one-sided, and
those westerners I know married to Thai ladies do not seem to have the rigid
guidelines applied as author Pop would have the reader believe. This book
needed a foreword from her American husband!
