Dear Hillary,
I was a bit miffed by that letter from Angela in your column a couple of weeks ago; she’ll be old herself one day, like you are now. No gentleman, foreign or otherwise, wants to be seen out with an old trout. But the Rupert Murdoch-lookalike ones who are seen in Pattaya with arm candy on their arms, are probably paying a very high maintenance price for the privilege of this young female company; who really would much rather be seen with Thai guys nearer their own age if their funds permitted it. I’m not a rich farang so I just have to look enviously at those old duffers who are trying to relive their youth 50 years too late. Don’t you fancy a nice Thai toy boy yourself Hill’ (sic)? Now that you’re well and truly over the hill and in full cougar mode? You’re never too old to fancy a bit of young stuff whose back doesn’t seize up every time he or she bends down to tie a shoe lace. He might like Champers and chocs, and you’d be buying them for him instead of being on the cadge all the time as you are now with ever diminishing returns.
George Burns lookalike

Now then, George Burns lookalike,
I didn’t know George was green. You certainly are - green with envy. So you’re not a rich farang, and apparently would rather point fingers at others who are enjoying life, rather than doing something about it yourself. So what is wrong with elderly gentlemen paying for the company of younger women? As I have already pointed out, this is a win-win situation, and one in which either partner can opt out if wanted. You say they are “trying to relive their youth 50 years too late”, but it doesn’t sound as if they are “50 years too late”, does it? They are enjoying the “now” years, whatever they may be. You should try putting on a happy face from time to time, instead of your green one. You might even find someone who likes the George Burns type and into cigars. Now, as far as Hillary is concerned, you should also try to understand that ladies do not buy their own champagne (French, vintage please) but are wined and dined by people who are true ‘gentlemen’ and not envious old codgers like you. And by the way, I am not Hill’, nor am I over the hill, thank you.

Dear Hillary,
I eat out often and notice that when Thais eat they always leave food on their plates and half drank(?) drinks. Is this a cultural thing? Many cultures think it is bad to waste food and of course there are ‘doggie bags’, but not here. I also wonder why McDs gives you a knife and fork for a hamburger/fries meal.
Jerry

Dear Jerry,
You are the little gourmet, aren’t you, my Petal, but where is that you go to eat? No doggie bags? You even get doggy bags from the “restaurant” on wheels at the side of the road. You are correct when you suggest that leaving food on the plate is a cultural thing. If you clean the plate, this is thought of as there was not enough food given or ordered, or not nice tasting (mai aroy). So just leave a little, that’s all that is necessary and your hosts will always be happy. Now, your McD’s problem - you are farang, so you eat with knife and fork. We Thai eat with spoon and fork. If you want a spoon, get your girlfriend to order it!

Dear Hillary,
When I go out to the bars, I often take chocolate with me to give the girls. It’s a popular “gift”, as many are hungry and most but not all love chocolate. The chocolate comes in 2 main “shapes” - colorful heart shaped chocolate and chocolate shaped into gold coins. I don’t hand it out, but instead open the bag and let them choose whatever chocolate they want. Inevitably, when I get home, I have a bunch of heart shaped chocolate left over, but not one single gold shaped coin chocolate. It probably means nothing … then again, maybe it does!
Count Chocula

Dear Count Chocula,
Let me be the first to congratulate you on this amazing scientific discovery! If this happens every time you go out with your chocolate bag of goodies, then we can safely say that wrapped chocolates are more preferred than unwrapped ones. This can be explained by the fact that when you are sitting around with only a g-string on, unwrapped chocolates melt and leave nasty runs in the lower regions, but wrapped chocolates can be slipped into the bikini without fear. Of course, there will be those who try to put some significance into the shape of the chocolates (heart versus money), but I am sure that our bar girls can tell the difference between gold foil and 10 baht coins. Could I suggest Count Chocula, that you try the experiment again with wrapped heart shaped ones and unwrapped 100 baht chocolate bills, and I do realize that you only go to the bars for research purposes.