Dear Hillary,
How often do Thai women take one of these Giks they talk about. My mate’s girl has been running some bloke on the side for three months, he finds out. Yet all the time looking like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. No wonder they say you can’t trust any of these Thai women. They work on different rules from us, that’s for sure.
Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,
You (and me) are only hearing one side of this. You don’t say anything about your “mate” who may be a perfectly nice chap, but on the other hand may also be perfectly miserable, so of course she goes looking outside the marital home. Giks, or someone to have an affair with, belong in every country and society, Petal. It’s just that we have such a short snappy name for them! And for that matter, just how faithful are you Mister Disgusted? Remember that the pot should never call the kettle black, or people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones! Good thing to stay out of your mate’s way for a while, I think.

Dear Hillary,
Is everyone in Thailand deaf? Any party you go to has giant boom boxes so loud you can’t hear the person next to you, but they all seem to like it that way. That might also explain why my Thai GF never hears her phone when I ring her. I usually have to ring at least five times before she picks up, and if she’s at a party (that’s any five females and a bottle of Saeng Som), then I can’t hear her either. Stage shows are fronted with people shouting into the microphones and noisy sound effects. Even kids’ parties have the MC shouting. Perhaps that’s what makes them deaf by the time they are adults. Why is it like this?
Deaf Don

Dear Deaf Don,
The noisiness of public address systems is to make sure that you really did hear it over the five females gossiping! Have you also thought that perhaps your GF doesn’t want to talk to you while there’s still some Saeng Som left. She hopes the phone will stop ringing soon so she can speak to the fortune teller to find when you will leave her the money. Introduce her and her friends to a better alcohol, though you will be paying more than the local hooch. You do realize, don’t you, Petal, that you are the one paying, not her.

Dear Hillary,
With the world all wired these days, you would imagine that computers would be reliable by now. But no way. However, with machines where you have to push ‘start’ to stop, what can you expect? Mine has broken down again. Can you recommend a good computer technician? Every time my computer breaks down, the technician takes it away to fix it, and returns it several days later and when I go to use it, something else has packed up. If he works on it at my condo he is there for hours click-clacking away and not only does he not fix the first problem, but leaves more than when he started, but leaves me a hefty bill each time. “You haven’t got enough RAM,” seems to be the catchword with these people, but even after buying more, the problems are still there. Any ideas, Hillary? My internet doesn’t work any more, and he can’t fix that either!
Frazzled

Dear Frazzled,
You’re lucky it’s only a RAM problem. I’ve bought a veritable sheep station of RAMs and now they’re telling me it is my operating system that is no good. I ask you, what’s wrong with Windows 1946? It worked before, why not now? Honestly Petal, I have no idea about this modern technology. A chap called Vance Packard wrote a book called The Waste Makers, all about this plot to get us girls to open our purses as everything we buy fails. Bring back faxes, I say. I could understand those. I have to communicate with the editor with notes written on the back of envelopes. His office is just below mine, so it’s easy to slip one under the door (he works rather strange hours, and nobody ever sees him). I think he might have one of those disfiguring diseases like a terminal hangnail or horrendous halitosis or something. I do inhale deeply as I pass his door, just in case he’s died in there after last week’s paper was put to bed. See just how thoughtful I am!

Dear Hillary,
Have you come across a computer keyboard where the letters last longer than three months? Looking at my board, the E, R, T, I, O, H, L, N and M have all worn off. This means when I go to type THE, I often get YJW from the letters next door. The sales people tell me it is because of my finger nails. Do you have this problem too?
Keyboard Karyn

Dear Keyboard Karyn,
Fingernails? You have got to be joking my Dear. They work my poor little finger to the bone here. I’ve only got stumps left. No nails.