Dear Hillary,
My Wife (Thai) has started to come home later and later, and very much under the weather. She says she goes out with her friends from the college she attends, but I am starting to doubt some of her tales. There’s a limit to the number of times you can go drinking in a karaoke bar, surely. She has been going out at least three times a week. How to I find out just what she’s up to?
Richard

Dear Richard,
There is a serious breakdown in trust between you, isn’t there? With situations like this, you must sit down with your wife and discuss it thoroughly. If you cannot come to some sort of compromise, then you should take some steps to really find out what is going on (or down). But just remember “seek and ye shall find” may give you the answers - but they may be answers that you didn’t want to hear. Discussion is by far the better way, Petal.

Dear Hillary,
For once you’re not going to get a tale of woe full of sick buffalos, brothers with broken legs and land about to be taken by loan sharks. Mine is a simple tale of being taken by two Thai women (from the bars) and finally waking up to myself and went looking for some woman who wasn’t out to empty my bank account. I didn’t have to look far, as the cleaning lady at work turned out to be a very sensible and hard working woman, who was willing to listen to my problems. That was three years ago, and we have been constant companions since then. There are good ones out there, Hillary, sometimes right under your nose!
John

Dear John,
I am so glad the cleaner didn’t take you to the cleaners, such as happened to you before, Petal. However, you are not the first, nor the last, to fall for a pretty face and the ability to sit beside you and massage your leg (any one will do, use your imagination) and squirm a lot! Just be careful you lady doesn’t start needing more feather dusters to send to her mother up-country.

Dear Hillary,
Whatever happened to Mighty Mouse? I have been away for a few years, but he was always good value and knew the territory well. Is he still around, or did Beach Road finally get the better of him?
Mannie

Dear Mannie,
You certainly have been away for a while, haven’t you. I have lost contact with Mighty Mouse for a few years now. I think he went back to Australia to be a policeman or something like that. Perhaps he was swallowed by a pussy cat. Anybody know his whereabouts, or should we put him in the missing persons file?

Dear Hillary,
My husband and I are new here, and are on the lookout for some good restaurants. Unfortunately my husband works long hours and doesn’t have the time to look for new places, so I’ve got to do the running around. Any suggestions where to start?
Marie

Dear Marie,
Have I got a suggestion for you! This will get you over all your problems and you and hubby can sit down to dinner and thank me, my Petal. In the same newspaper as you are reading right now, there is a Dining Out column written by our Miss Terry Diner (say it quickly) who reviews a different restaurant each week. Get a few back issues of the paper or read via the web (www.Pattayamail.com) and you will find many different places to try, ranging from cheap and cheerful to fine dining. Don’t thank me, thank the Pattaya Mail.

Dear Hillary,
I had a great holiday in Thailand a few months ago and met some very nice ladies who offered to look after me, if I was coming back to Thailand, but when I got back to Australia I found out my job had gone to Asia and I could not afford my rent so I had to go to a boarding house, which isn’t too bad, there are a couple of people who speak broken English. My job center asked me what I wanted to do and when I told him he said there wasn’t much call for a 70 year old animal carer at the zoo, any way the local church puts on a good lunch every day.
Scotty.

Dear Scotty,
What trials and tribulations you have been through, my Petal. But I do have a glimmer of hope for you Scotty. At 70 years of age you must be eligible for an old age pension, although in your case, it might be an invalid pension for mental problems, I fear. However, you don’t need to live in a boarding house, you can live here in a bawdy house, as they are always looking for staff. All you have to do is to come back here and bring your pension entitlement with you. Your future wife is waiting at the last bar you drank at. Give her the bank book and your PIN number, it will be safe with her.