My Dearest Hillary,
How I have pined for the touch of your hand while I lay in my sick bed in London. The doctors couldn’t work out what was wrong with me - but I knew. The Pattaya Mail wasn’t delivered that week, and I was beside myself worrying about you. Please make sure they deliver the Mail each week, Hills my Poppet. Thanking you in advance.
Geoff

Dear Geoff,
If only I had known my Petal, I would have dropped everything (well, nearly everything) and flown to London to be with you. Next time, let me know and send the plane ticket, wrapped around a bottle of Veuve Clicquot and I will be with you in 12 hours (plus drinking time). It’s a long way, better make that a half dozen (and please make sure they are cold).

Dear Hillary,
About every week there’s a report in your paper about another foreigner falling off tall buildings in Pattaya. Do the Thais fall off as well? What is it that makes these sad events happen? I think we all would like to know, so that we can make sure we’re not next!
Jim

Dear Jim,
There is never any one reason that would cause people to fall off tall buildings, but there are a few common factors. Copious quantities of alcohol is one. About 1.5 meters tall with dark brown eyes and long black hair is another one. Running out of money on the holiday of a lifetime is in there as well. If you know someone who is threatening to harm themselves, in any way, get them to a doctor quickly.

Dear Hillary,
(Following on to the chap who found his wife cheating after 10 years) In farangland as I know it, it was mostly the wife who would hang on to a cheating husband. I know a few here, who tolerate their husbands cheating, some I know. But their choices are different, do they tolerate it because the alternative is worse? Here farang will hang on way past the bitter end with a Thai wife. I, too married more than 10 yrs. though no kids between us involved, the first proof of indiscretion and we’d be done. While it happens everywhere, I just can’t get my head around being a torturous, stressful relationship. I can’t see the point of being with someone who causes unhappiness. I can instantly separate myself from anyone who causes me drama, living alone is not a problem.
While the kids are a major concern, resign yourself to the fact that are so many other family members around, the kids will not go un-loved. I’d be sure they get what they need, and see them when possible, without being a nuisance, or you will turn the whole family against you. Move on and try to be friends.
Like elephant poop in a soi, you can see it from a great distance, but continue walking toward it until you have to make a drastic change of course to avoid it, then maybe stumble on something and fall face first into it, when it didn’t have to come that.
Dill

Dear Dill,
You are quite the philosopher at times, Petal, but I stick to my point that the children come first. I am not so sure they “will get what they need,” as you are. Children need that father figure and a farang father is what is needed for “Luk krueng” children to get along in this country and to understand why they are “different” from other children, and to realize their true potential. So often in these situations, the children end up as unwanted and uneducated village children, not what any father would want. The welfare of the children must come first.

Dear Hillary,
This is a money problem, but you might not think it important, but I do. I am coming over to Thailand for my holidays, and I don’t have a lot of cash to spend, but how should I bring it over? You can’t get baht over here, travelers checks are a real pain, I don’t want to carry cash and credit cards are too dangerous as I believe there’s lots of scams and I don’t want to lose what little money I’ve got. What is your suggestion?
Marie

Dear Marie,
You are wise to be careful. I agree that travelers checks are a cumbersome way to carry money around, and they can be stolen and so are not really a safeguard for you. Sure, don’t walk around with wads of cash in your handbag, and putting cash in hotel safe is fine, as long as you are at a top hotel. Little three star ones are not really secure. The best way is for you to open a debit card account with your bank at home. You only put as much into it as you want to spend on the holiday, so you can’t overspend. You withdraw at an ATM and never have to give the card up in a shop, where the numbers can be copied. If this still worries you, then send everything you have to me, and I’ll look after it until you come over. Honest, Petal. I will.