Dear Hillary,
I have a reply for the chap calling himself “Hello Sexy Man” and having a problem with the local “ladies”. This is important so pay attention dear fellow. How are you “carrying yourself and attiring yourself?” Now, if you were me and it was a full sun afternoon you would be wearing a brimmed hat to keep the sun off, long sleeved shirts and pants because in Thai society this attire is expected when you are not directly in the beach areas. At night you can forget the hat. The short version is if you are dressed otherwise you are wearing a badge reading: “Here I am come and take advantage of me.” On the rare occasions that I have women howl anyway despite my “appropriate dress” I have simply “wai-ed them” and greeted them in Thai and they have wai-ed me back (as a group) and remained silent and embarrassed for having made a fuss over a man who is not available (or desiring) to purchase their time, but who respects their traditions of greeting and expects to be treated as the “elder” I am.
Robert

Dear “Elderly” Robert,
I did not know there were any proper gentlemen left in Pattaya, but at least I know how to recognize you - by the hat and being the only farang not in cargo pants. I get the feeling, reading your email again, that you are definitely not a “sexy man”, so I think the women howling at you could be considered a definite mistake, my Petal. Forgive them. Question: do you use a stick as well, with the hat and dark glasses? If so, I have seen you at the plaza.

Dear Leroy,
Don t listen at Hillary advice s, she just jelouse (sic) cannot get the money for champagne and chocolate. Now instead, listen to me. 1 million is not a crazy amount, if the lady is good and take good care of you. For example, about 15 years ago, they asked me 2 millions for another good lady (she is university graduate and had not sons, and now work at police). Being a fool, I refused, and until now still regret that choice. Dear Leroy, give, give the million, give even more, you will more accepted and respected. Best wishes and regards.
Phoenix

Dear Phoenix,
I am not swayed by your passionate letter. After knowing the woman for three weeks (who already has a child), Leroy was being led up the path by the proverbial carrot. Dowry should not be paid under Leroy’s circumstances. Your circumstances were different, but you were still being asked for far too much 15 years ago. Don’t regret your refusal - you escaped! And, for your information - I do not “buy” my champagne and chocolates, but they are freely given by my vast number of followers (well, two or three at least)!

Dear Hillary,
This is a real problem for men such as myself. We come from a lonely life in the UK and come to Thailand - a paradise in comparison. But then reality strikes home. It seems to me and many of my friends that all the women in Thailand on the make. It seems very easy (too easy?) to get a live-in partner. Almost impossible in the UK, but every last one seems to have her hand into your wallet within days of hanging her clothes up in the wardrobe. Of course there never is enough clothes, so I buy some for her. Then it is money to buy groceries, and I thought that was great, thinking about me and looking after me, and it is so much cheaper from the local markets. But then the grocery bill seemed to be going up all the time and the amount of food was going smaller. Then it was some to send to Mama, school fees (in a village school?) for her children being looked after by Mama, it just went on and on. That ended that one. Then the next one was the same, and the one after that. Is there one honest woman in Thailand?
Not an ATM

Dear Not an ATM,
Is there one honest woman in Thailand? Yes, my Petal - me. Just send me your bank account details so I can see if you are a genuine match (woops, almost wrote ‘catch’ there) and really deserve me. Petal, have you ever wondered why the women you have formed a relationship with do this so easily? You are obviously looking for your paragon of virtue in an area selling commercial friendships. Quite frankly, you will not get a non-bar girl to just move in like that. However, when you select a lady who will move in tomorrow, then she will move out the day after that, once your financial support dries up. These are ‘mia chow’ (rented wives), and it is a purely financial relationship. It is time you began to look elsewhere and form a genuine bond with genuine women, and there are many of them. But you won’t find them in a bar.