Dear Hillary,
I am sitting in my lonely room on Valentine’s Day, with no friends to visit me, no roses or Valentine’s Day cards, no chocolates, nothing. I feel I am in prison, but worse. At least in prison there are people to talk to. What should I do, Hillary?
Jerry

Dear Jerry,
Sorry you had a lonely St. Valentine’s Day. If you had contacted me earlier you could have taken me to a lovely Valentine’s dinner, complete with roses, champagne (French and very, very cold) and chocolates. Make a note in your next year’s diary to send me a letter two weeks before and you can call it Be my (lovely) Valentine. BTW, you can buy electric bed warmers at the supermarkets.

Dear Hillary,
I am a terrible cook and my Thai GF won’t cook for me, saying it’s cheaper to eat out at the markets. Maybe it is but really I don’t like the market side of the road stuff at all. I just want to eat at home, with some good old fashioned home cooking ready for me after my day at work. This is upsetting the relationship. It’s not as if she doesn’t have the time because she doesn’t work and spends afternoons with her friends from the bar where she used to work, or shopping.
Gordy

Dear Gordy,
You say you are a terrible cook - perhaps your GF is a terrible cook as well. Have you ever stopped to consider that? Your GF is also used to eating roadside fare, so you are lucky there’s not the odd water beetle in the polystyrene take home container. But it is time for you to face just what kind of relationship have you got, Petal. To me it looks as if you have only one thing in common - the one thing that she has been selling and you are currently buying, and that is not enough to keep a relationship going.

Dear Hillary,
Is it safe for us to come to Thailand at present? I follow what is going down through the local Thai papers, as well as BBC, CNN and the like. I get the feeling that it’s not quite as bad as I see on the TV, but would like your opinion, as you are one of the few people we can trust from this distance (UK). We generally come over in April, but we should start booking our tickets very soon if we are to get the better fares and hotels.
Marvin

Dear Marvin,
As you know, I live here and honestly I can say I have not seen one protestor, one army chap or one policeman (other than those doing roadside “checks”). Sure, there are pockets in Bangkok where one should avoid, but that is all. The lady selling noodle soup on the street corner is still selling soup on the street corner and is not in a flak jacket and tin helmet. Book your flight and your hotel - the one good thing that this nonsense has done is to get the Bangkok hotels to offer very cheap packages. And of course Pattaya is still the same, and with the airport being on the south of Bangkok, you don’t even need to go into Bangkok at all. Just get a taxi straight down here, Petal.

Dear Hillary,
My uncle came to Thailand last month for a visit. I was excited, as I had not seen him or my aunt for some years. Imagine how I felt when my uncle arrived without my aunt, but he had a girl from Bangkok in tow. He said my aunt did not feel like travelling at her age (they are both in their eighties) but he didn’t want to disappoint me by not coming. He didn’t say anything about the strumpet he was with, and they were in the same room in the hotel (I only have a very small studio so they couldn’t stay with me). Honestly, Hillary, should I tell my aunt or should I tell my uncle he is not welcome here again? I am so confused.
Confused

Dear Confused,
Hillary is certainly glad you’re not her niece! You seem to be so delightfully judgmental, manipulative and interfering. Be thankful that there is life in the old dog yet and he came to visit you. Petal, if you play your cards right and keep your mouth firmly shut and were exceptionally hospitable to both your uncle AND his companion, your uncle might even remember you in his will. And for that matter, how do you know that your aunt wasn’t glad to see the back of the old boy for a while because he snores? Or, heaven forbid in your so morally upright family, that your Aunt may have wanted the opportunity to have it off with the milkman or meet up with a long lost lover. Personal morality is just that - personal, i.e., relating solely to the individual. I suggest you learn to live and let live, practicing mai pen rai and jai yen yen and stop judging people. One day, someone might be just as nastily judgmental about you. I hope they write to me too!