Dear Hillary,
I was interested in your response to the British chap who had found to his surprise that he was a traveling ATM, and not a soul partner, to the ladies who came for breakfast and stayed. You were quite correct Hillary, that he was in the wrong end of the market, when looking for a lady to look after him in his old age. But here’s the essence of the problem - he is in his dotage, getting close to cashing in his chips, while the ready market of nubiles is just starting off on life’s journey, and playing the part of carer is not exciting, but can be done for a fee. Don’t pay the monthly salary on time and they are out the door, as he has found out. The answer for these old chaps is to stop looking in the commercial area of “One more beer?” and go looking for an older woman to be a friend and carer. Do you agree with me?
Ron
Dear Ron,
You are correct, My Petal, but while the concept of an older carer makes all the sense in the world, you will also take away an elderly man’s last hopes and make him face the unpleasant side of getting older. He really isn’t a “sexy man” any more.

Dear Hillary,
I bought some “copy” shirts the other day and told the girl in the shop that I needed XL size (I am a Farang). She got me four shirts, but when I tried them on at home, three fitted and one was too big. The labels all said XL, can I take the large one back and complain?
Ralph Lauren.
Dear Ralph,
“Copy” shirts have “copy” labels. That’s the price you pay for getting a cheap shirt with a man playing polo on the pocket. Never mind, stay here long enough and you’ll probably grow into it. Every other Farang seems to self-inflate living here.

Dear Hillary,
As I am now in my early 50’s it is becoming noticeable that my tummy is getting that little bit larger. I have tried dieting but that just makes me hungry. Are the gymnasiums round town OK, or do I have to give up drinking as my wife suggests? I only have six to eight pints at night.
Kenny
Dear Kenny,
Or is that “Kilkenny”? I do think I might perceive a very slight chance that you are just the teensiest bit worried that someone might suggest cutting off the pipeline to the brewery. OK, Kenny, I’ll believe you really want to do something and here’s the answer. Cut the pints in half, join a gym (the Fitness Centers are better at fat burning than the musclemen types of places), cut your food intake by 25 percent, cut out sugar, drink more water (without the hops) and walk everywhere in town rather than driving, riding or catching baht busses. If all this is too difficult, contact Ralph from the letter above and make an offer on the shirt!

Dear Hillary,
I have been looking to rent long-term a condo or house and I was quite surprised to find that you have to give two months security deposit and a month in advance. Now I am a little worried about getting my 2 months security deposit back as I do not speak a word of Thai and my girl who works at Big C, not a bar is as timid as a mouse when it comes to asking questions with the local business people. She has since said that her cousin has a house and we would be safe renting through him. Upon meeting the cousin at a bar he produced a contract in Thai that my girl read through and was quite happy with and relayed most of it back to me, and better still the cousin would only want 1 month’s security deposit but for me this is all going too fast. It seems like a bargain but I would like some independent advice. Should I go with the cousin or am I risking too much? What would you suggest Hillary?
Patrick
Dear Patrick,
What you need is a minder! Answer me this - would you blindly sign a contract for a studio in Spain if you couldn’t read the language? Or for a pension in Portugal? Or a condo in Kosovo? Come on Petal, what are you doing? Are you a man or a mouse? (Along with your girlfriend.) Go to a reputable real estate agency that speaks your language and employs reputable English speaking lawyers to advise you. You are right when you say it is all going a little too fast. You’ve gone from the checkout at Big C to checking in to Heartbreak House in no time flat. You are setting yourself up for a fall, Petal. Do not do it. Get the correct advice before going another step. By the way, the two months deposit and one month in advance is standard real estate practice in Pattaya.