Dear Hillary,
My husband and I have decided to retire in Thailand and Pattaya looks to be the most likely place for us. We are interested in purchasing either a house or an apartment, but we are not sure of what the laws are in relation to this. We have heard conflicting advice and wondered if you could steer us in the right direction?
The Seniors

Dear Seniors,
I am always delighted to welcome people with money to Pattaya (as are many of the other residents in this town)! However, it is really not my place to tell you how to spend your nest egg - unless you want to spend it on Hillary of course (you can start with French Champagne, and I’ll tell you the rest after I inspect your bank books)! Seriously, Petal, when you want serious advice then go to the professionals. In your case you want a Real Estate firm and a lawyer. Look for ones with credentials and long standing reputation. They do advertise in the Pattaya Mail, by the way.

Dear Hillary,
The other evening, after a few beers, I went and had a Thai massage at one of the many massage parlors in Pattaya. All I wanted was a straight massage, nothing else. I was very impressed with the massage she gave me and the young lady in question was very sweet, but I didn’t get her name. I went the next night to see her and I thought there was something wrong when I noticed she had a tattoo on her arm that wasn’t there the night before. When I questioned her about this, she said she had the tattoo done two years ago and she didn’t remember me from the night before. What worries me, Hillary, is - am I going mad and dreamed up the whole thing, or is she lying to me, or what?
Massage Michael

Dear Massaged Michael,
It’s simple my dear boy. On the first night you were too inebriated to remember exactly where (or probably - what - you were) and on the second night you went to the wrong massage parlor! Or you chose the wrong masseuse if you went to the right massage parlor. She has nothing to gain by lying. You are suffering from only a temporary form of insanity.

Dear Hillary,
My wife tells me every night that she is going to divorce me. She has lots of reasons, none of which make any sense. My problem is not the thought of attending the divorce courts, it is the fact that she never gets any further than saying it is going to happen. How do I get her to either stop the threats, or just go ahead and do it? There must be other things that husbands and wives talk about, not just threatening divorce. Or is this “martial” bliss after all? What is your advice, wise Hillary?
Robert

Dear Robert,
Previously one writer was asking about communication and I suggested that for some people, they think that the art of good communication is to shout louder. The Brits are well known for that. I think you or your wife needs to shout louder as there is something awry here. Have you thought that it is time to talk? Perhaps you could try that so next time when she threatens divorce, shout louder and tell her to either get on with it or give up talking about it. If that doesn’t work, you can always get divorce papers drawn up and when she threatens divorce, whip out the papers and say, “Sign here!” Lots of luck Roger, I think you’re going to need it.

Dear Hillary,
My maid has told me today that she is pregnant and she will be going back to her village up country in a few months. This news has just made me very angry. I have spent the past six months training her and now, just when she has become very good she will be leaving me in the lurch. What can I do about this? How do I find a replacement? I went through three maids before I got this one. Why do these girls take a job if they know they are wishing to start a family? What should I do Hillary? What should I do?
Jazzy

Dear Jazzy,
I think you could keep me going for a week, Petal, with all your questions, but let’s take this situation and look at it realistically. So your maid has become pregnant. This happens, you know! As you should be aware of, this may or may not have been planned, but you should be supportive of this girl at this time, not saying “Why?” If you help this girl, then she will help you. It’s always a two way street, Jazzy. If you are sort of person your maid would recommend to others as an employer, she will find her own replacement and help train her too. Get excited about this pregnancy and stop thinking only about yourself. You are going to be a grandmother soon! Lighten up and relax!