Dear Hillary,
Why is it that even well educated Thais who speak English cannot put the last “s” sound on words? My girlfriend has been to English classes for months, but still says “How” instead of House and “Eye” instead of Ice. Should I change the school she goes to or what? Your advice, Ma’am!
Horace

Dear Horah,
Thai does not have an “ess” consonant at the end of a word, Petal, so Thais do not see one, or say one, even in English. For the same reason educated Farangs think they can speak Thai, use incorrect tones and continue to make farcical mistakes. Lighten up and be less critical. Ignore the pronunciation, relax with a scotch and soda and a little “eye” and keep a happy “how”.

Dear Hillary,
I will soon be back in the beloved Kingdom for some much needed rest and relaxation. I have discovered in my limited travels in Thailand that I should be polite but plain spoken and to the point in order to get exactly what I want. I have always had a brilliant time in Thailand. Bearing that in mind I would put forth this straight forward question. Some of the boys I consort with smoke a little marijuana. I don’t, but I don’t mind if a few boys split a joint as long as they don’t bring it to my room. That’s my little rule. A good Thai friend of mine told me to stay away from the boys who are taking or offering “ya ma”. He tells me that a farang could end up in the monkey house over this drug. Please tell me what ya ma really is. I know most of the others, but ya ma doesn’t ring a bell. I am not a drug user, but I am curious about this drug and what the legal ramifications might be if a boy brought one to my room unbeknownst to me and got caught somehow.
Paranoid and Anxious

Dear Paranoid and Anxious,
It is not paranoia to want to stay out of the monkey house. Not a very healthy place to be, in fact suicide would have to be considered as a more viable option to becoming an inmate. Firstly, farangs have been locked up for possessing small quantities of marihuana. The lucky ones get deported after paying a lot of money. Secondly, the drug ya ba (which is what I believe you mean) is amphetamine or speed. Ya ba literally means “crazy medicine” and you’d be crazy to try it. It is a Class One narcotic here, and it’s jail if caught. There is also a ya ma, which is roughly translated as “horse medicine”, and is generally heroin (“horse”, H, “heroin”).
As with other drugs, the seller frequently tips off the police and shares the reward. Stay well away if you want to have a brilliant holiday. If you want further encouragement, read, “Twelve Wasted Years” by Warren Fellowes. This is a horrific story of the time he and his friend spent inside, as a result of heroin trafficking.

Dear Hillary,
I have been offered a 50 percent share in a beer bar, and the price seems very reasonable (about ten thousand pounds sterling). The bar does good business (especially with me around!) but they do not keep books the way we have to in the U.K., so all I have to go on is the number of patrons - and that seems very good. How do I protect my investment, as it looks like a wonderful way to retire over here? Are there any hidden problems I should know about?
Lucky Lenny

Dear Lenny,
Not lucky for long, Lenny, this is a veritable minefield. Not only a foolhardy retirement plan here, it is also the best way that has ever been designed to lose ten thousand pounds sterling, or more, within six months. Of course there are no books kept, neither are farang “partners” kept for long. The “patrons” may have been just invited friends, that is a common practice (renta-crowd). Don’t even consider it. If you are still skeptical, leave the Sterling at home and come over here for a six months look-see. Do your own research and by that I do not mean just sitting drinking in bars. Find out how many bars there are in Pattaya. How many of them are well frequented? How many of them have farang owners or partners who have been here for years? What makes you think you can run a successful bar and what experience do you have? (Being a customer just doesn’t rate.) Do you speak Thai, do you have a trusted Thai friend you can trust with your life and your bank account? In that six months you may be able to locate a trustworthy Thai lawyer to help you arrange documents but that is really not much safeguard. As a bar owner you would become an instant target for the powers that be for all sorts of over and under the table payments. What you are suggesting is akin to taking the pin out of a hand grenade and playing pass the parcel! Forget it Lenny and stay lucky!