Dear Hillary,
I was introduced to a Thai Lady three years ago. We hit it off almost immediately and I returned later in 2011 and finally got married in December 2012 at the local Amphur Office. My now wife had been married before so did not want a religious ceremony and as for the dowry I was asked by my wife to give Bht 10,000 to her parents as a token. So, you will see that all Thai Ladies are not out for what they can get. OK, I help the family a little each month but I have never been happier! However, I suggest that all Farangs should tread carefully and as soon as you hear that the family water buffalo has died or papa needs an expensive operation - RUN!
Rocco

Dear Rocco,
I am so happy for you, my Petal. I do hope your happiness continues for many years to come - provided the buffalo has taken out life assurance.

Dear Hillary,
Does anyone want the company of a broke person? I’m available.
Singha Jerry

Dear (impecunious) Singha Jerry,
At your age, “broke” usually refers to something like, “I fell over and broke my hip.” You, my Petal, are really saying that you are wanting a cashless transaction (mainly because you haven’t got any)! Perhaps if you stopped donating money to the Singha Brewery, you could start looking for a paid companion again?

Dear Hillary,
One of the receptionists in our company is very attractive and I would like to get to know her better, but I have a problem. I am not the pushy type, so can’t just go up to her and ask her out. She knows my name even though we have 600 on staff, and if I meet her walking into work she is always very chatty and will hold my arm with her hand. She doesn’t wear any rings, so I don’t think she is married or anything like that. She did ask the other day what I was getting her for her birthday, and I almost fell over, but mumbled something like wait and see. I know, I missed my opportunity again. Do you think she is interested? What is the next move, and please don’t say just to go and ask her out.
Bashful Bob

Dear Bashful Bob,
I feel for you, my Petal. I really do. You are from the UK I presume and it is nice to see you aren’t one of those dreadful lager louts that populate the bars as winter comes on. Even though Thai people are very welcoming and friendly, this girl seems to be giving you a message. You don’t need to be brave to buy her a box of chocolates and quietly present them to her on her birthday. Or if that is too much, just leave them on her desk. Put a card with them saying “From Bob” and your phone number. If she rings you to thank you, then ask her out for dinner to nice restaurant. Not over the top, but one where you can chat and get to know each other a little. However, if she refuses the chocolates, just send them over to my office, marked “For my Darling Hillary”. I will appreciate them.

Dear Hillary,
An Aussie friend of mine says that to see if the girl sitting on your lap can be believed then you have to apply the British Standard (BS) Duck Test, “If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck” to all Thai women. Your friend must have really gone down the gurgler to be so bitter. All women are not the same. Thai women are not the same as western ones and bar girls are a different species altogether. He feels that all women are out to rip off mankind and all that is left is 0.01 percent of decent women. How pessimistic is that? I think he should stop feeling sorry for himself and get out and enjoy the company of the ladies in the bars. That’s what they’re there for. You don’t have to buy the library when you want to read a book.
Elwyn from New York

Dear Elwyn from New York,
Despite the 50 percent divorce rate in many countries, including Australia and America, all women are very obviously not the same. I’m not like that for one. Despite the friend’s pessimism, his 0.01 percent still works out as 1,000 women, even in Australia. I agree that if you want a ‘good time’, the good time girls are there to give it to you. The problems always arise when the smitten male forgets that a good time girl is just that - a good time girl. A girl for the good times in life, not a girl who is good for life times. It should also be understood that a beer bar is not an outside office for an accredited match-making and marriage agency. I have said in this column many times that you don’t go into a hardware shop if you are looking to buy a piece of cheese.