Dear Hillary,
How do I find true love in Pattaya? The girls all seem nice enough, but I am sure they are only after my money. I do not want to be the cash cow for every bar girl in sois 6, 7, 8 and onwards. I go out with the idea that I will only spend 500 baht, but by the end of the night, it has been several thousands. What do you suggest, Hillary?
Johnny Cash (Cow)

Dear Johnny,
Where you are going wrong, Petal, is you seem to be frequenting the currency exchange fun parlors of sois 6-8 as your happy hunting grounds. The reason there are so many “tellers” ready to look after your money in these soi 6 currency exchanges is to give you the guarantee there is no kiss and telling afterwards. If you can’t stand the heat - get out of the kitchen, my Petal. Or, if you can’t stop worrying about the exchange rate, get out of the soi.

Dear Hillary,
I will be coming to Pattaya at Xmas time and wonder if you knew where I could rent a motorcycle for the time I will be there (2 weeks). Is it insured and is it OK to drive with my French license? Do you ride on the same side of the road as we do in France? Thank you.
Pierre

Dear Pierre,
The only insurance you will need is a very expensive policy to cover the hospital expenses for the major injuries to your French body after you get run over by an 18 wheel truck. However, if you ride a motorcycle through the traffic in Paris, you could escape damage. The motorcycle will have some sort of minimum accident cover, if you rent from a large enough rental company, but if you deal with one of the side of the road operators, you will be on your own. And finally, do not let them hold your passport as a surety. And no, we do not drive on the right, as in France, we drive on the left, the same as Britain and Japan.

Dear Hillary,
We have not been here very long and already we have had the water cut off from the house (twice!) and the electricity (once) all because I do not understand when and how the bills come. Do they post them or what? I am sure we did not receive at least two, but when I tried to explain this at the Water Department I got nowhere - and had to pay an extra 500 baht to get re-connected. What can we do?
Bill

Dear Bill, or as we would say, Dear Bin,
The account is a piece of paper that is either stuck in your gate, or slipped under your door. They look very similar, but the “bin electric” is generally in blue ink and is from the PEA (Provincial Electricity Authority). You do get a few days grace, but once those few days are over, you are then disconnected and in the case of the water, they just remove the meter and smash the on-off handle (just in case you have ideas of joining the input and output ends together). What you have to do is remember what day of the month that the meter men come, and then look for the bin (sorry bill). Frustrating and annoying, but that’s just one of the things that make up “Amazing Thailand”.

Dear Hillary,
My wife has started cheating on the grocery bills and I am sure she has started to sneak the odd thousand baht from my billfold when I am asleep. At first I thought it was the kids, but they couldn’t get to my billfold during the night, while my wife could very easily. I also note that she seems to have less jewelry than before, and when I have asked her where her necklace is she gets very defensive and says she is having it cleaned. I am sure she is not having an affair, as she is always home at nights with me, so what can I do to check? Where is the money going? Do you think it might be gambling?
Emptied Wallet

Dear Emptied Wallet,
You’re sure she’s not having an affair because she’s with you at night. What about daytime, Petal? Ever considered that? However, back to the disappearing 1000 baht notes. The easy way to see if the money is running away is to count the number in the wallet before bed and again in the morning. Even jot down some serial numbers to make it even more evident. The little stock take in the morning will show any shortfall immediately. Unfortunately, when wives take up gambling, the first sign is missing money and gold. You are going to have to be very careful in checking, and then comes the difficult part of confronting her with the evidence. You are in for a rocky road, Petal. Wives have been known to mortgage the house you are buying for her with your hard earned money. Beware, beware.