Dear Hillary,
When I complained about being broke, you said I should give up drinking. If I stopped drinking, the Singha company would go broke as well as 7-11.
Singha Jerry

Dear Singha Jerry,
Thanks for the advance knowledge, Petal. Seven-11 and Singha Beer are the basis of the entire Thai financial system. Thank you for keeping the country afloat. I will ask our new PM to give you an award, after he has kicked out all the grafters. Don’t wait up!

Blossoming in the evening
Well Hilary you are really naïve. The “Evening Blossoms” to which I referred are those lovely young things apparently awaiting a bus on beach road and I, in a charitable mood, sometimes, offer a free “ride”! I tell them I have a full time lady in residence. Along with anatomy lessons, they frolic with full knowledge that they are part time and leaving no trace of their presence. I do not acknowledge the “cheating” description as the only thing my live-in companion is “cheated” out of is watching me sleep on the sofa and my “sports” activities bind my commitment to her more strongly.
Don

Dear Don,
Thank you so much for the arboreal lessons. I had heard of Orange blossoms and Peach blossoms, but Evening blossoms were something quite new to me. Now, word of caution, my Petal, I hope you make sure that the bus they are waiting for is not one of the school busses. That could be a little dangerous for you, so please keep that in mind next time your live-in steady goes for a visit up country. I am also told that the ladies of the second gender like to frequent Beach Road, but fortunately the B. 100 fines administered by the local police force is keeping them under control. I also like to hear that your favorite blossoms don’t leave any petals behind. Perhaps you could employ one as a maid and get the best of both worlds?

Dear Hillary,
We live in Jomtien and often go to the beach there as it seems to be very popular with the Thais, as we see them swimming there a lot. Why do the Thai people wear clothes when they go into the sea? Sometimes it looks like shipwreck survivors from the Titanic. Some Thais wear bikinis, but they are in the minority. I even see them going in wearing jeans! Why, Hillary please tell us.
Bikini Bob

Dear BB,
You are obviously someone with a keen eye and worried about the health of the local people. Will they drown? Do they have a change of clothes? Well, I have good news for you. No, they won’t drown and yes, they do have a change of clothes. The reason you don’t see them in bikinis is the skin color thing. Westerners who are white want to be brown, so you see them out in their bikinis getting toasted by the tropical sun and turning a lobster red usually, but the Thai people who are naturally brown all want to be white. They enjoy the beach and swimming, but must cover their skin to stop tanning.

Dear Hillary
My girlfriend and I live in an apartment in town. We have a good relationship except for the fact she keeps losing the keys and mobile phone. This is very annoying, how can I stop her doing this?
Annoyed

Dear Annoyed
Have you ever considered the fact that your girlfriend is losing keys and telephones as a subconscious way of expressing her lack of satisfaction with the relationship or simply as a device to annoy you? It is very difficult if not impossible to change someone else’s behavior unless you change your own behavior first. I suggest you change the way you respond to her. One quick fix is to either don’t let her see that it annoys you or simply don’t speak to her for a few days every time she loses things. The best way though is to “Give her the monkey and let her feed it.” This is a Thai expression for making her to take the consequence of her own actions. Do not let her have or use your mobile phone ever, keep a spare set of keys for you, but never unlock the apartment for her, and never give her another set after she has lost one. If this is too tedious, maybe losing this girlfriend would be less frustrating.

Dear Hillary,
I find this habit of social kissing here disgusting. People just making an excuse to slobber all their germs over you, it is just frightful and unhealthy too! How can I avoid it?
Yurky

Dear Yurky,
Where have you been all your life? It seems as though you don’t like socializing either? Most people have social kissing down to the fine art of just kissing the air beside the victim’s face. What you do on greeting occasions is to step into the person’s space first, grab them by both upper arms and kiss the air nosily beside each ear. Then say, “Don’t come too close, I’ve got rabies.” The alternative is to stay at home and watch TV.