Dear Hillary,

It’s the same old, same old every time. You must get tired of the moaners who have nobody to blame but themselves. No wonder the girls leave them after the money runs out. I would do just the same if I had to put up with all the belly aching. These guys start to think they are “hansum man” when they sure as hell ain’t. If they believe that “stuff” (I changed what you wrote to something that will not offend, OK?) then they will believe anything. They should stop these guys at the border, for their own good. Talk about leaving their brains at the Immigration counter! They should have stayed at home.
Jack

Dear Jack,
I think you are being a bit hard on some of the ex-pats, my Petal. Why did they come here and leave their home countries? What is the alternative for these lonely men? Stay at “home” and be even more lonely? Everyone deserves some fun in life, even if it doesn’t last forever. You worry me a little, as you are so much down on your fellow ex-pats. Have you been burned before?

Dear Hillary,
I see a lot of girls in my local shopping center, and many are quite nice. I see them resting on the seats. I know you say we older foreigners should stay away from the bars, and that is what I have been doing these days, but will I find Miss Right in the shopping center? Or do I have to lie about my age (I’m a pensioner) and go back to university? What should I do? I’m getting tired of being lonely. I could always get somebody from the bars to look after me.
Lonely Lester

Dear Lonely Lester,
What shower did you come down in, my lonely Petal? Must have been the last one, and we certainly have been having a few heavy showers recently. Will you find Miss Right waiting on the bench for you at the supermarket? No Lester, you will only find Miss Take there. Mistake if you talk to her and Miss Take all your money by the time you reach the checkout counter. These are freelance girls who can disappear very easily and you will never find where she went or came from (other than Aisle B next to the hot dog counter). They are more dangerous than the girls from the bars. At least Hello Sexy Man bar will still be there tomorrow, and the mamasan knows the ID of her girls. As far as lying about your age, that’s not such a bad idea. I heard of one 70 year old chap, when seen walking down the street with a cute 17 year old, told his friends it was easy. “I lied about my age. I told her I was 95!” If you are getting really desperate, talk to the girls in the optical stores. They are all well dressed and university graduates. You must be needing glasses at your age, so you’ve got a good excuse for being there. They also do eye checks for free, and that’s a free offer without a hoop of balloons and a roasted pig outside either. Don’t despair, Lester. Just be nice to everyone you meet. Very soon someone will snap you up for who you are, and not just to get their hands on your pension.

Dear Hillary,
I am new round this neck of the woods, and I am still finding my feet, and this can sure be a difficult place to find things. I had to get a hose for the bum washer the other day and the girl in the hardware shop just didn’t understand what I wanted and was trying to sell me the whole kit and caboodle. Yes, I did manage in the end, but I’d like to know of some nice, not over the top, restaurants where I could take some female company. The girls are so nice, I reckon they deserve a feed every so often.
Robert

Dear Robert,
You sound like a nice genuine guy, my Petal, but I don’t really see the connection between the bottom washer and some “nice, not over the top, restaurants”? However, here’s your answer to the bottom washer purchase and the restaurant. There are a couple of things you need to do. First go and learn the language. This is Thailand and the people speak a language called Thai. It is not impossible for foreigners to learn it (after all, little children learn to speak it). Secondly, if after some replacement hardware part, take the original one into the shop with you. Simple and no hassle. Now where to go to eat? I’m not the right one, Petal, you need Miss Terry and not Ms. Hillary. Miss Terry Diner reviews one restaurant every week in the Pattaya Mail, and gives average prices in the review to make it easier for you. However, if you are taking to dinner one of our nice ‘readily available’ young ladies, be warned that many do not like western and only eat Thai food.