Dear Hillary,

See so much in your column about the women in Thailand being able to milk some poor saps dry in no time at all that it makes me worry about going over to your side. I was planning on a trip over the Yuletide, and friends who have been over say that there’s no shortage of lookers, but you’ve got to watch them as they will put pressure on you to buy them gold necklaces and suchlike. What is your advice Mrs. Hillary?
George

Dear George,
I don’t quite understand, my Petal. Your friends who have been over here say “there’s no shortage of lookers but you’ve got to watch them”, did they mean “lookers” or “hookers”? You have to decide which kind of woman you are looking for. If you think you can rock on over here and pick up a virgin film star who is an orphan and does not support a buffalo or a younger brother who just fell off his motorcycle, which is on time payments, and broke his leg, then you have unreal expectations, George. Like all things in life, you will get what you pay for, and short term company in Thailand is just the same. However, for the small cost of a bottle of (good) French bubbly and some Swiss or Belgian chocolates, I am willing to let you escort me to one of our better restaurants one evening. No hanky panky mind, this is just a way to show you that not all Thai women are on the make.

Dear Hillary,
I’m not like your usual letter writers, as I don’t have a problem with some Thai lady running away with my fortune - I keep that locked up in a safe place, even though there’s not really enough to call it a ‘fortune’. My problem comes from friends who are all coming over at Xmas time. Most of them seem to think that my husband and I can look after them, show them a great time, and never get thanked, and the next wave comes. We did offer our spare room and driver last year, but it was all too much. How should we repel the invaders?
Gina

Dear Gina,
I love your description of getting prepared to repel the invaders. I do understand the problem, as I get friends from overseas who all think that I am here just to look after them, and that’s not the case. What I suggest is that you line up some trips to neighboring countries, with the dates to coincide with the invaders arriving. Don’t offer your house, driver, maid, laundry and the like, as they only are using you. This is always a problem as they think that because they knew you from your home country, you will welcome them with open arms, and many times you hardly knew them at all. So my suggestions are to grab your cutlass and repel the boarders before they even get out of Suvarnabhumi. Hope that helps, Petal.

Dear Hillary,
Some of your readers will probably say this is a silly question, but I haven’t been here long, so I don’t know the ropes. I often see a rather nice looking girl in the local shopping center and I sometimes stop and say hello. She is very well dressed and seems to have good English. I have asked her what she is doing and she says she is waiting for a boyfriend, but she seems to be waiting every day. Should I ask her if she is really waiting for a boyfriend? Do you think she is a prostitute? How do I ask? What will tell me that she is? Please don’t laugh, I would really like to get to know this girl.
Jeffrey

Dear Jeffery,
You certainly are new around these parts, aren’t you! Let me take you by the hand in this matter. No, you do not say, “Excuse me, are you a prostitute?” Firstly, there are no prostitutes because that is against the law, so there aren’t any. However, there does appear to be a few enthusiastic ‘amateurs’ or ‘side-line’ girls around the place. What you have to reason out, young Jeffery, is how can she be so well dressed without a job, because you see her every day “waiting” and that’s not delivering food, is it? So she is either a young lady of independent means, or someone who goes shopping a lot with someone else’s money. You still with me, Jeffrey my Petal? Now she has been giving you all the hints, “waiting for a boyfriend”. That wasn’t waiting for “her” boyfriend - she is waiting for “a” boyfriend. This is leaving the opening for you to become the boyfriend - but, Jeffrey, I fear this relationship is going to cost you a whole heap of money. She is obviously more experienced than you are, and you are walking around the shopping center with “I’m ready for fleecing” written on your forehead. Take my tip - change your shopping center and wait till you meet some nice girl who is working there, not “waiting” there for a boyfriend.