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Okker’s Tale
by Noel (Tippler) Thomas
G’day sports, how’s it going? I’m pretty ripper meself at
the mo, although I couldn’t have said that last month and that’s for sure.
Just to give yous a bit of background, I’m what you might call pretty high
up in Australian society on account of my line of work: I’m a Steeplejack.
Me mate Greggie looks down his nose a bit at me as the flash git is a
panel-beater, but we’re still good mates all the same. Greggie and me are
just back from a holiday in Pattaya, Thailand. Jeez, that was some caper, I
can tell you.
I have to say that I wasn’t really prepared for Pattaya. Within half an hour
of us getting there, Greggie and me were up to our necks in little nubiles,
all wanting us to pay some sort of fine at the bar, even though they knew
full well that we’d done nothing wrong.
Now Greggie is one of those bloody nuisances who has to organise everything.
In a way it’s quite good because I can just sit around swigging a few cold
ones while he runs around like a ‘roo with termites up its jacksy. But, this
time, he was really getting up my nose. Greggie had the bright idea that we
should go out for a round of golf. I was about as revved up about the idea
as a prisoner on Death Row would be to test the circuitry of the Electric
Chair, but we were only going to be in Pattaya for ten days, so we had to
pack in as much as possible as soon as possible.
Anyhow, Greggie wouldn’t stop carping on about it so I gave in. We went off
to some Country Club called Phoenix, about twenty clicks up the Sukhumvit
Highway heading south. To be fair, the place did look good, but what’s the
point in having a Ferrari when you can’t drive? Greggie reckoned that he
played off eight, so I had to pull him up when we started on the first. He
looked at me as if I was some sort of idiot, but I stood my ground as even I
can tell the difference between one and eight.
I gave it a good go, trying to copy what Greggie had just done, but I reckon
my golf balls were attracted to water just like a magnet to metal. We had to
go back to the Clubhouse after ten minutes because the fifteen balls I had
bought were now at the bottom of the lake. Silly bloody place to put a lake,
I reckon. Five new balls later, we decided to give the first hole on The
Lakes a bit of a swerve. Off to the second tee. Greggie kept explaining to
me that the second hole was a ‘Bar Three’. Well believe me or believe me
not, if anyone can spot a bar in a nanosecond that bloke is me. There was no
bloody sign of a watering hole! All I could see was a stick with a bit of
rag tied to it fluttering in the wind on someone’s lawn.
Greggie seemed a touch griped when he whacked his ball into a pile of sand
that I guess some builder had left behind. I gave my ball a good old belt
but I couldn’t see where it ended up. Greggie went into some sort of fit,
calling me a bunch of names that even I wouldn’t use on that two-timing,
multi-inffected bitch that used to be my wife. As Greggie shuffled around in
the sand, I wandered about looking for my ball. Greggie then lashed out like
whirling Dervish, managing to put his ball about six feet from the stick
thing. By this time, I’d lost interest in the stupid little white nuisance
and waited with the Caddies. That was much more like it: my Caddie was a
real little cutie. Greggie then ruined my chat-up routine by doing a bloody
backward somersault in the middle of the green. It seemed that he had
managed to tonk that silly little ball into the hole and so he had made ‘a
bar’. Again, I looked all over the bloody place but there was definitely no
bar around. I reckon this golf game gets to peoples’ heads and softens the
grey stuff. As I wandered off towards the third tee, the bloody Caddies went
berserk. Yeah, sure I was grateful that they’d found my ball, but I could
see no reason to go bloody loopy about it, after all I’d already got rid of
twenty.
For some reason, Greggie couldn’t speak. He was more like a goldfish that
had overdosed on speed before having its vocal chords cut. It didn’t take me
long to suss out what the problem was. Apparently, my ball had gone straight
in the hole on my first shot. Frankly, I was more than a bit pissed off that
Greggie had two more shots on that hole than me: after all, we both had to
pay the same money so why should he have more of a go than me? Life’s a
bitch and then you die, I reckon. Nothing’s bloody fair, that’s for sure. I
still don’t understand why Greggie had such a bloody hump on: he got the
better deal for Christ’s sake. I lost seven more balls in the two lakes at
the third hole; Greggie’s bloody laughing was now starting to seriously
cheese me off. We eventually got past the fifth hole where, mercifully,
there was a fully-stocked watering hole. As we didn’t want to hold people
up, we couldn’t have a proper drink but at least I did manage to slip down a
little taster.
When I was swigging back the sixth tinny, Greggie looked at me as if I was a
bloody Martian when I asked him as to why they didn’t have a bus service on
the fifth hole. Surely no-one in their right mind, I told him, could
seriously be expected to yomp 565 yards just to stick a poxy $3 piece of
plastic into a hole on someone’s lawn. And what about the poor Caddies? My
golf bag was not only taller than her, my guess would be that my four year
old nephew would outweigh her by a good twenty pounds. She looked totally
bushed as we left the lawn, poor little possum.
I reckon the world’s gone mad. The sixth hole was another waste of money for
me: six balls straight in that bloody lake on the right. At least they
should put up a bloody sign telling you that the money trap is there! This
now meant that I had two balls left with three holes to play. There didn’t
seem much chance of me finishing: quite frankly I was praying that I’d donk
both balls in the water so I could go and quaff down a case of the Amber
Nectar rather than continue ruining what could otherwise have been a nice
walk.
We moved on to the seventh tee, another ‘Bar Three’. You guessed it, no
bloody sign of a bar. Greggie smacked his ball into the trees and seemed
more than a touch miffed. I actually thought it was a pucker shot but he
just kept swearing about some ‘Old Bee’. I guess he must have been stung or
something. I had a good old swipe at my ball, but I didn’t have the faintest
as to where it went. Both Caddies were squealing with delight so I reckoned
it couldn’t have been all that bad. For some reason Greggie had the cheek to
play a second ball from the tee, but I decided to let it go. Cheats never
prosper, I thought to myself.
As we walked up towards the lawn, both Caddies went racing off ahead. When
they got to the stick, they went into some tribal dance routine, hugging
each other like long lost relatives. I was happy to see a bit of Thai
culture, although it did seem a strange place to do what I presumed to be
the Thai Waltz. When we got to the lawn, my Caddie was jumping up and down
with my ball in her hand, jabbering on at machine gun speed in Thai. It
seemed that I’d been ripped off again: the stupid ball had dropped straight
in the bloody hole. I was definitely getting a raw deal from this game,
whilst Greggie was having a ripper time belting his ball all over the place.
The eighth hole gave me a good old chuckle, although the Security Guard who
was having a bit of a kip in his little hut probably wished that Greggie had
taken me bowling or, at least, anywhere but Phoenix. I went off first and
swacked my ball into the lake on the left. It would have been a fair dinkum
shot if the lake hadn’t been there, believe me. Greggie was still racked off
with me for some reason, although I couldn’t work out why for the life of
me. He played his shot and just stalked off up the fairway, not waiting for
me to play again.
Just to be on the safe side, I aimed my shot straight at Greggie and his
Caddie on the basis that they would therefore be in the safest spot. I don’t
know how I did it, but my ball went streaking towards them traveling at
about four feet from the ground. The ball just shaved the Caddie’s arm and
then smashed into Greggie’s clubs. It then bounced back and went screaming
like a bullet in the general direction of the Security Guard’s hut. Believe
me, a sniper couldn’t have done a better job. The ball hit the Guard
straight between the eyes, sending him off into the Land of Nod on impact.
Greggie, meanwhile, appeared to be trying out the Thai Waltz but was spicing
the routine up by waving the head of his driver around in the air as if
performing some ceremonious ritual. Apparently, the impact of my ball had
been responsible for the head of his driver no longer being attached to the
shaft of the club.
I checked on the Guard, but he was out sparko. I tried to use his
walkie-talkie, but all I could get was some Thai music channel so I opted to
borrow his motorcycle to get me back to the Clubhouse as quickly as
possible. I soon caught up with Greggie just as he finishing his waltz. I
didn’t tell him, but between you and me he’ll have to work on that routine
for sure. We abandoned the Caddies as Greggie jumped on the back and I tore
off back to the Clubhouse. On the way, all Greggie could do was rant on
about the cost of his ‘Big Bertha”. I really couldn’t fathom out why he was
so bloody het up about some fat old Sheila from back home for the life of
me.
We eventually got back to the Clubhouse and I explained about the
unfortunate incident concerning the Security Guard to the two Starters. They
seemed pretty concerned and promised that once they’d finished their tucker,
they’d send someone down for a dekko. Pretty good blokes, I reckoned. Good
on ‘em. I went up for a shower and a good clear out and then headed off to
the bar. I couldn’t believe it when I ambled through the double-doors, you’d
think the King of Thailand had just walked in. The bar was packed solid with
the Management Team, Office Workers, Caddies, Greenkeepers, Maintenance
Workers, Members and Guests alike.
I was manhandled over to what seemed to be the top table and this Thai bloke
began spouting off into a microphone. I was then presented with two huge
bottles of Johnnie Walker Whisky before the Course Manager mercifully
switched to speaking English. He prattled on about what an historic occasion
it was and that I was to be given a free membership on top of the scotch.
Well I can honestly tell you, although I had heard that Thai people are very
friendly, but this was surely over the top. Then, a load of cases of
champagne were brought out and there was almost a riot as people rushed to
grab an ice bucket and bottle of the bubbly stuff. Before anyone opened a
bottle, the Course Manager said a few more words in Thai and instructed me
to say my first ever Thai words, namely, ‘Choke Dee!’. If only I had known
what I was doing.
It took a couple of hours to swig back the champagne and people gradually
started to clear out. It was then that the Restaurant Manager staggered over
to me clutching what looked like a bill. There was no doubt in my mind as to
where half a case of the ‘pop’ had been tipped. The Course Manager then
appeared from nowhere and I was then passed the grubby scrap of paper and
began to read. It was probably a damned good job that I had a fair old ‘sit
down’ after my shower. The bill totaled just over 38,000 Baht. I was
gob-smacked. We had an interesting chat about the situation, but thanks to
Greggie’s gold plastic, they didn’t have me carted off to some place called
the ‘Monkey House’. Well, golf in Thailand was certainly an experience, for
sure. I will come back to Thailand next year, but you can bet your life I’ll
never go near a golf course for as long as I live. It’s pretty obvious that
I’m just too bloody good at the game.
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Ramkamhaeng Club to sponsor charity bowling
The Ramkamhaeng Club, Pattaya, will sponsor a charity
bowling tournament at OD Bowl, South Pattaya, on Saturday, November 23, to
raise money for needy students, Mr. Khosit Kaew Trirat, head of the club,
announced. Games will begin at 10:00 a.m. TST (Thai Standard Time).
All proceeds from the tournament will go to students who have good marks but
would be unable to continue school without financial assistance. The
tournament is also to commemorate the founding of Ramkamhaeng University, 25
years ago.
The tournament will consist of teams of three bowlers each. Men and women
are equally welcome to compete.
Those interested may contact the Ramkamhaeng Club Pattaya, Sophon Cable TV,
Pattaya, The Srinakhorn Insurance Company Ltd. Pattaya, or the OD Bowl, Tel.
(038) 421-611, 421-777, 423-777, and 420-257-9. Entrance fee is 2,000 baht.
Pornphan crowned Miss Rice Field
Pornphan Yospiyasathien, “Miss
Running Buffalo Beauty 1996”.
Pornphan Yospiyasathien of Ban Bung was crowned Miss Rice
Field or The Running Buffalo Beauty at the annual buffalo races held in
Chonburi on October 25.
Promoters of the event called this year’s running of the buffaloes a
success. The festival has proven very popular with tourists, and aside from
promoting tourism, the buffalo races are a part of Thai culture that should
not be lost.
Chonburi Governor Sujarit Pujchimanand presided over the opening of the
traditional event.
Palmer’s crowned Sunday Quiz champions
How much money did Phileas Fogg wager that he would go
around the world in 80 days? (Look for the answer at the end of this write
up.)
After having pretty much wrapped up the Sunday Quiz championship several
weeks ago, Palmer’s finally made it official when the season closed on
Sunday, November 3. Palmer’s lead for the past 6 to 8 weeks has hovered
steadily around a nearly insurmountable 60 points. Although Cheers did
manage to close the gap slightly over the final weeks of the season, it
would have taken a total collapse by Palmer’s for them not to win the league
title. The collapse never came, and Palmer’s can add the trophy to their
collection.
Meanwhile, Wild Chicken set a record for futility, finishing in last place
nearly 500 points behind the leaders. En route to their wooden spoon award,
the “not so” master minds at the Chicken didn’t even break the 900 point
barrier for the season. In the history of the Sunday Quiz League, never
before has a team finished the season with less than 1000 points. A dubious
record that looks to stand for a long time.
The end of season awards presentation party is scheduled for this Sunday,
November 11 at Pleasure Dome. At the party, league members will bid a fond
farewell to quiz master John Douglas. John is stepping down after almost
three years, during which he set about 7,000 questions. Ann Schofield will
take over the daunting task of setting the questions, while Barrie Kenyan
will assume the responsibility of administering the league. Good luck John.
Results from the final week: Palmer’s defeated Bob’s 76 to 70 at home.
Pleasure Dome romped over Viking Beachcomber 78 to 46 at home. Fawlty Towers
beat Mick’s Place 86 to 72 at home. Rising Sun beat Wild Chicken 70 to 58 at
home. Cheers scored 78 points at home alone.
The answer to this week’s question; “How much money did Phileas Fogg wager
that he would go around the world in 80 days?” L 20,000.
The public is invited to join the fun every Sunday night in the Quiz League.
Interested parties need only show up Sunday nights at 8:30 p.m. at the
venues listed in the Sports Roundup column of Pattaya Mail.
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Teams invited to join
Wednesday Darts
The tough Pattaya Wednesday Darts League is about to wrap up its current
season, and has scheduled the start of next season for November 27, 1996.
League organizers are looking to add new blood to the league, and invite any
team to join the fun and competition. Interested parties can contact Alan
Ross at Pattaya Sports Supply on Soi Marina Inn, North Pattaya.
As the current season winds down, it looks as though Jack’s has wrapped up
another championship. The battle left now is for second place, with Mick’s
Place 2 and Tippy’s 2 going head to head.
The end of season awards presentation party is scheduled for Wednesday
night, November 20 at Sweet Dream Bar just off the south end of Soi Buakao.
As usual, there will be a lucky draw darts competition, as well as a buffet
and prizes.
Last week, Mick’s Place 2 defeated Texxan Inn, Tippy’s 1 defeated Mick’s
Place 1, Londoner 2 beat Toi’s Place, Tippy’s 2 white washed the “Dream
Team” from Londoner 1, and Jack’s beat Sweet Dream.
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Quizzical changes in
Trivial Pursuits
Pattaya bar owners have decided to reorganize the local
quiz leagues. John Douglas, who has masterminded the Sunday tournament for
almost three years, has retired after setting seven thousand questions to
test the wits of the city’s egghead population.
 New
administrator and publicity man for the Sunday Quiz, Barrie Kenyon.
He will be replaced by Ann Schofield, a university administrator who has
also appeared on British TV’s University Challenge. A physically handicapped
person, Ann told Pattaya Mail, “A quiz should be a fun evening. A bad
question is one that nobody knows the answer to.”
Because Ann is based in Bangkok, the administration and publicity of the
Sunday Quiz will be taken over by the Wednesday trivial pursuits organizer,
Barrie Kenyon, who writes software packages for the Open College and is
secretary of Pattaya Bridge Club.
Barrie said, “Quizzes are booming in Pattaya with more players per square
mile than any other place on earth. Some people are even playing the game on
the Internet.”
The new Sunday league starts on November 17, whilst the Wednesday Quiz is
half way through the season. To join, you simply turn up at any of the bars
listed in the Sports Roundup column of Pattaya Mail. Starting time is 8:30
p.m.
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PSC fish of the month
Atlantis Club Cafe won Pattaya Sports Club fishing
section “Fish of the Month” honours after landing a 35 kilo sailfish off Koh
Phi on Wednesday, October 2, 1996. The 2.4 metre long sailfish took the team
45 minutes to reel in.
Alternate
Golf Society
The “Knotted Putter” trophy will be up for grabs every
week as the Alternate Golf Society kicks off from the Hare House on Soi Post
Office.
Each week the golfers from the Hare House will be competing in different
types of golf competitions, offering an alternative to the more traditional
stroke play and Stableford competitions. Tournaments will be held every
Wednesday at various golf courses in the area.
The format will consist of a medal round on the first Wednesday of every
month, a pairs medal competition on the second Wednesday, a bogey tournament
on the third Wednesday, and a Greensomes foursome on the fourth Wednesday of
every month. On months that have five Wednesdays, a scramble will be held on
the fifth Wednesday.
Ray Lepard won the first medal competition held on October 23. Marc Jernigan
and Mo Deverdenne won the first pairs medal competition on October 30th.
Inter-Hotel Tennis
Number 1 seed Dea-Cha beat his
namesake 9-1 in the quarter-finals on Monday, October 28 at the Montien
Hotel, Pattaya.
The competition has been tough in the Singha Inter Hotel
Tennis League this year, as 3 of the top 4 seeds in the singles A
competition have found out. #2 Toy, #3 Prasong and #4 Komkai all fell victim
to upsets in week 3 on Monday, October 21. Only top seed Dea-Cha remains in
the draw.
Results of week 3, October 21:
Team competition: Montien and Siam Bayview played to a 1 - 1 tie. Grand
Condotel and Royal Cliff also played to a 1 - 1 tie.
Singles A: #1 Dea-Cha beat Surasak 9 - 4. Komkai defeated Ron 9 - 5. Somkiet
upset #4 Komkai (walk over). Kesorn upset #3 Prasong 7 - 1 (Prasong
retired). Amorn upset #2 Toy 9 - 8 in a hard fought contest. Amorn then went
on to defeat Chakkri 9 - 4.
Singles B: Hans S. beat Ratiya 9 - 5. Sawang defeated Narin 9 - 0. Noo beat
Narongsak 9 - 2.
Results of week 4, October 28:
Team competition: Cross Finals: Montien defeated Grand Condotel 2 - 0. Royal
Cliff beat Siam Bayview 2 - 0.
Singles A: Quarter-finals: #1 Dea-Cha beat Dea-Cha 9 - 1.
Semi-finals: Amorn defeated Kesorn 9 - 5.
Singles B: Finals group: Sawang beat Hans 9 - 1.
The Inter-Hotel Tennis League is being played every Monday morning on the
courts of the Montien Hotel Pattaya. Grand Finals are scheduled for Sunday,
November 10 at 9:00 a.m.
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Improve your Bridge
by Barrie Kenyon
A bidding convention growing in popularity is the weak
two system. This simply means that if you have 6 to 10 high card points,
with six cards in diamonds, hearts or spades, you open two in that suit.
Your partner, knowing you are weak, will not reply unless he holds an
opening bid of his own.
You can’t use this system if your six card suit is clubs, because an opening
bid of two clubs is reserved for very powerful hands which is probably what
you are used to.
The idea of the weak two bid id to let you bid on modest hands. Your lack of
high points is compensated by your distribution. Equally as important, the
bid makes it harder for the opposition to contest the auction.
The hand below is illustrative. Normally, everyone would probably pass and a
redeal would be necessary. But, using the weak two, North would open two
spades and win a healthy bonus for himself and partner. Indeed, he might
well make four spades with game and rubber to boot!
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Another undefeated season for Jack’s?
Jack’s is cruising along to what looks like yet
another undefeated season in the Pattaya Sports Club Darts League. For
12 straight weeks this season Jack’s has posted a “w” on their record.
It appears as though they have nearly wrapped up another PSC Darts
championship, now almost all that remains to be seen is whether or not
one of the other teams can take them down before the season is over.
At the other end of the spectrum, Texxan Inn has yet to win a beer leg.
As PSC Chairman Harry Riley put it, “I am sure this must be a record”.
12 straight games, not one beer leg to date.
Sports Corner and Rising Sun produced the closest game in week 12. Tied
at 6 all, Rising Sun rose up to win the team match and the beer leg to
take the honours.
Note: The remaining home games for Tippy’s will be played at Sweet Dream
Bar, located just off the south end of Soi Buakao.
Results from week 12: Jack’s clobbered Beer Put 9 to 1 plus the beer
leg. Mick’s Place is doing their best to keep pace with the front
runners, helping their cause with a 9 to 3 win over Cafe Kronborg.
Tippy’s took the match 8 to 3 and the beer leg over Pleasure Dome.
Rising Sun defeated Sports Corner 7 to 6. Texxan Inn beat Britannia 8 to
3.
Rod from Sports Corner still holds the highest check out so far this
season. Rod shot a double top, treble top, bull finish for a 150 check.
There has been 2 maximum 180 scores achieved so far. Jack from Jack’s
Bar and Kevin from Rising Sun have managed the feat.
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