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Newcomer’s Notebook
Contributor’s note: The contributor of this occasional
series came to Thailand with his wife on a limited contract largely because,
after a long professional career, he was frightened of doing nothing in his
home country. He had visited the country twice before as a tourist, and
found it intriguing, without being able to specify why. His observations are
entirely personal, open-minded, and open-hearted. He offers them as
something which just possibly will be recognized by anyone else who is a
“newcomer”.
1. “The Land of Smiles” ?
“The Land of Smiles” was certainly not in evidence at the embassy where I
applied for my visa, despite having my contract in my hand, the necessary
form correctly filled in, a letter to the ambassador from my future employer
and the exact amount of money required. I could understand, as I looked
round the waiting room, why the embassy officials could justifiably worry
about the intentions of some of the applicants, but I was made to feel that
my genuine, perhaps naive desire to try to contribute to the growing
infrastructure of Thailand was equally unwelcome.
The same feeling stayed with me as I came through customs at Bangkok
Airport, and the anxious, straining faces of the placard-holding drivers in
the arrivals hall did nothing to cheer me up. I had read a book about
working with the Thais before undertaking my new life, and it had laid out
for me a table of thirteen Thai smiles. This had impressed me, and my only
worry had been how to recognise which was which. Now my worry was whether I
would even see a smile. The journey through the Bangkok traffic left me
still in doubt; perhaps everyone was smiling underneath the anti-pollution
masks which they were wearing. It was not until I got to Pattaya and to the
hotel (where I was to stay temporarily pending the final stages of the
construction of my house) that I discovered that the book had not lied.
There were smiles everywhere. It was all right. I had arrived.
I am beginning to make my own list of smiles. Most of them are warm,
welcoming, genuine responses to a rather elderly “farang” who obviously does
not mean any harm. Some of them seem to be quite affectionate, and one or
two of them are accompanied by the use of the name “Papa”. I do not know
what this really implies. Am I so wizened and grey that I appear old enough
to be the father or even grandfather of the waitresses, bell-boys and
construction workers who use it? I cannot believe that I am really so
geriatric, particularly after shopping trips when I take short cuts through
unfamiliar sois and am greeted by much more professional smiles and
meaningful cries of “Hello meester”.
The best smiles are those of the young children who follow their parents
round the long, hard day on the construction site. Wide-eyed and tentative,
they look shyly at the adult farang and whisper “Sawadee” at their mother’s
bidding, lifting their hands in the traditional wai and seeming to hope that
somehow they can hide behind those thin wafers of grubby flesh. When they
hear and see a solemn return of the greeting, their smiles become giggles,
and a friendship is born which knows nothing of culture clashes or status
barriers, and is all the richer for that.
So, “this is Thailand”, is it? I wonder whether the people who first turned
that simple phrase into a cult cliché used it speaking through teeth
clenched in frustration, or with a very British “stiff upper lip”, or with a
smile of true appreciation? The trouble is that I cannot ask that question
of a Thai, because the answer will be a smile. A smile that means “Yes” ...
or perhaps “No” ... or maybe “I don’t understand” ...
by Chris
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Appalled at animal abuse
Sir,
I am a British Tourist visiting your country and I am writing to let you
know how disgusted and appalled I was on visiting the Buddhist Temple on the
hill beside Pattaya City to find animals, birds and monkeys kept in small
cages. I was so upset to see monkeys kept in dirty conditions, their own
excrement on the floor with beer bottles, cans and mouldy food. Why, I ask
myself, does a place by a Buddhist Temple allow it to go on? Surely those
animals could be taken to Khao Keow Open Zoo where there is plenty of room
and space and a healthy environment to live the rest of their lives in peace
and contentment. Hoping someone out there will do something about it.
Very disillusioned traveller.
In praise of the piano concert
Sir,
Having read your critic’s assessment of the piano concert by Professor Hans
Thürwächter, I would like to make the following comments. The performance
was made possible by kind permission from and the organisation of the Royal
Cliff Beach Resort. All expenses were borne by the hotel, and the ticket
money was donated to the Pattaya Children Charities, to be distributed by
the Rotary Club of Jomtien-Pattaya. The critic did harp about the piano in
every column of the article, but failed to mention the 3 encores and the
standing ovation given to the professor at the end of his performance by the
250 plus music lovers who attended. I’m sure most of them realised this was
not the “Albert Hall” and appreciated what could be achieved using an all
purpose hotel piano. Many thanks to Royal Cliff for a wonderful evening.
Member of the Rotary Club of Jomtien-Pattaya
Disagreeing with PBTA
Editor;
There is an article in the November 22 issue of Pattaya Mail where the
Pattaya Business and Tourism Association lists reasons why they think
tourism in Pattaya is in decline. The reasons listed, with the exception of
baht bus drivers, are so far off the mark that it is obvious that the PBTA
members don’t have a clue and must be living on the moon. Foreign mafia,
drugs, child prostitution and AIDS are completely irrelevant to Pattaya’s
loss of patronage.
There may be a few foreign criminals operating in Pattaya, but the vast
majority are locals. Drugs are available in every country in the world, and
Thailand enforces as much as any other. People who want drugs can find them
anywhere, those who don’t are not aware of any problem. Child prostitution
is not obvious in Pattaya. Those who want it seek it out, those who don’t
are not aware of it. AIDS can be caught everywhere. Those who are concerned
practice safe sex, those who aren’t take their chances. AIDS is a global
problem, not specific to Pattaya.
Pattaya fancies itself a resort. There are three basic requirements for a
resort: quiet, clean, and convenient. Pattaya is none of these.
Pattaya is beset by hordes of loud, obnoxious motorcycles and ubiquitous
loudspeaker advertising trucks. Its streets and side walks are piled with
litter and garbage, the beach is dirty and the sea polluted, and at times
the city is blanketed by a pall of stinking smoke from brush and trash
fires. The sidewalks are broken and uneven, and are obstructed by sidewalk
vendors and overflow from stores.
Even more at fault is the rude treatment that tourists receive here. They
are overcharged by the two tier system; abused by motorcyclists who would
rather run them down than turn in back of them; ganged up on and assaulted
by waiters when they object to padded bills; ripped off and robbed at every
chance, notably on Koh Larn; extorted by baht bus drivers; and insulted by
locals who wish to gain face in front of their friends. Why would anyone
want to spend money for that kind of treatment? Obviously, they don’t, and
they are going elsewhere.
And Cambodia is where they are going. Cambodia is quiet, friendly, and
inexpensive. Everyone drives slow in Cambodia. There is only one working
traffic light in all of Phnom Penh, and the drivers merge through the
intersections without incident or accident. I have been there twice and
heard no loud motorcycles, saw no motorcycle races, saw no motorcycles being
driven on side walks. Prices are reasonable, restaurants are a special
bargain. Phnom Penh is not overrun by open air beer bars, and the sea at
Sihanoukville is fit to swim in. Taxi’s are glad for the extra work and do
not overcharge.
It takes a little while for the word to get around, but more and more
tourists are telling their friends not to waste their time on Thailand, go
to Cambodia. For those who want, Cambodia has plenty of temples and sites of
interest.
What can be done to reverse the decline in tourists coming to Pattaya?
Nothing, short of changing the rude and exploitive attitude of a whole
country, and that’s unlikely to happen. There is a Thai saying: no coffin,
no tears. Well, the boards are being cut for Pattaya’s coffin, soon they
will be assembled, and within a few years it will be nailed shut. Not being
familiar with the story of the goose that laid the golden egg, Thai’s have
been raping the goose for all its worth for thirty years, and thinking that
the good times would never end. It never occurred to them that they should
respect and care for the tourism that brought them so much wealth, and now
the tourists are going somewhere else. Tourism to Cambodia is increasing by
50% every six months. That increase is tourists who would have gone to
Thailand.
As of yet Cambodia does not have all the facilities that Thailand does. But
as the tourists bring the money that transformed Pattaya from a fishing
village to “The Riviera of Thailand”, Cambodia will ascend with new
development. I hope they will avoid the mistakes that greed and arrogance
have bestowed on Thailand.
Lawrence Neal
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Music critic missed the point
Dear Sir,
Accolades to your very competent critic, Jay Patterson, but I think he
has missed the point. Have you not explained to him the purpose of the
concerts held at the Royal Cliff Grand Ballroom? Does it matter if the
piano was not up to his experienced and sensitive ears? He may not have
realised that the event was held to raise funds for Rotary’s charity
programmes.
It is sad to think that because of the first review of the Night on
Broadway event and the constant complaint about the piano, that it could
have deterred many music lovers from attending the piano concert, which
sadly deprived the organisers of the much needed funds to help needy
people in the community.
Mr. Fassbind spent a lot of his time and energy to make this event
possible, not forgetting to mention the use of the Royal Cliff Grand
Ballroom and all the hotel’s facilities at no charge, with all revenue
going to charity. That alone is worth a lot.
Keep up the good work, but it would be wise in the future to take all
these sensitive issues into consideration.
Sincere Regards,
James Wainwright
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My interpretation of infidelity with Thai girls
by a disillusioned farang wife
Editor’s note: Like it or not, Pattaya is known by many men as a
resort where one can find an almost unlimited supply fresh young women
to satisfy one’s primal urges. What isn’t known by many of these men is
the effect their infidelity has on their wives and families. The
following excerpt is an account by one woman who has suffered through
such an experience. It is an eye opening look at the “other side of the
coin”.
Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet but the fruit of
the poor lemon is impossible to eat.
The temptation is great - overwhelming. These girls are not only
beautiful, with gorgeous bodies, but they know how to make a man feel
good. When a man finds one, he’s found a companion who’s fun, plays
darts, pool, cards and games. She jumps around with so much energy, and
hangs onto his every word, giving him a feeling of security (false
security) which men seem to severely need. She has long beautiful hair
which all men seem to love. She speaks softly and has an unusual
gracefulness about her. No wonder he feels like he’s died & gone to
heaven and keeps going back for more & more.
When some of the falseness shows its ugly head, he goes off and finds a
fresh new one because there is an ample supply. Its a dangerous game
that involves his whole psyche and being.
Just when you think you’ve found the light, you really have stepped
further into the darkness because a sense of well being doesn’t just
come from sex, fun & games. It also involves peace, serenity, and on top
of the list, communication. If you can’t communicate, how can you have a
lasting relationship with anyone?
An overworked husband suffering from stress is the only fuse needed, and
it doesn’t have to wait to be lit because there are more than enough
dancing girls ready with a match to set off the dynamite. And when he is
set off, the relief is so great (no commitments or burdens - at least
not yet) he wants to be detonated again & again.
Well, just when he thought (or was he really thinking?) he was free of
stress, he runs into one whom he really likes and if he’s got the money
honey, she’s got the time. Now he thinks he’s turned into Samson (he can
have anything he wants so why not set her up so he can have her whenever
he wants her). Then when the little wife comes out or is already here -
who’s ever going to find out?
The problem is that she does find out most of the time. Why? Because he
changes (sometimes his whole personality changes) and not for the better
but for worse. Probably because deep down somewhere he feels guilt, but
instead of stopping this madness, he turns his guilt into defensiveness
and becomes a monster to live with. He thought he had stress before,
baby has he got it now, because not only is the wife being emotionally
neglected and possibly abused, but the mistress is putting the squeeze
on for the coupe de gras. She wants him all for herself. No share - no
love your wife - love you. Well there’s only one thing to do, get some
relief, go find another one of the unlimited supply, another one night
stand. Forget AIDS, herpes, etc. He’s too far gone by now to care
because he’s lost touch with reality, and more likely than not, he’s
increased his drinking tremendously, and of course now he’s wide open
for committing physical abuse. He is, to say the least, severely
confused.
He’s living in a mental hell and he doesn’t know how to find his way
back, or even if he wants to find his way back. A madness and darkness
is enveloping not only his being but his very soul.
His wife wants to say, “hit the road jack”, but most probably she’s
trapped in more ways than one. She’s probably sold or leased her house
in her home country, has no money of her own, is thousands of miles from
home - it might as well be the moon as she’s feeling completely
alienated. There is hardly any communication with any loved ones, mostly
because of the expense involved, mine was $100 for 30 minutes to call
loved ones in the states. She feels completely lost and abandoned, and
not only feels but knows she’s falling apart with nowhere to turn,
especially in a country who’s people overwhelmingly accept infidelity
and drinking as the norm.
The husband has now gone deeper into his madness because not only has he
committed adultery, he’s become a first class liar, abusive, possibly a
drunk, and has really lost touch with reality in this mess he has
created. Selfishness also plays a huge part in all this madness - he
doesn’t give a damn anymore, has no concern for your feelings, and
doesn’t act like he cares who’s getting hurt in all this chaos he’s
created. There is sometimes children, parents & friends of the wife who,
if she’s confided in them (this nightmare she’s living in), are not only
hurt & mad, they are completely helpless to come to her rescue.
I also have to mention the money situation for it plays a big factor in
all this. I don’t care how much money he has, it will never be enough. A
girl for the night is only 500 baht, but most can talk him into 1000
baht. If he picks her up from her working bar, there is a bar fee of
approx. 400 baht, not including all the drinks he’s had and the one’s
he’s bought her. He might try to impress her by taking her to a nice
restaurant, another 1000 baht. If he sets her up, we’re looking at
possibly as high as 40,000 baht a month just for their living expenses,
and that doesn’t include taking her out almost every night bar hopping.
And of course she would love to have a lot of gold & jewelry. Now, not
only does he have a wife and children to take care of, but a bar girl’s
living expenses as well. He’s feeling, to put it lightly, a bit squeezed
financially.
Now where does that leave everyone? I’d say in a big mess that seems
like a swirling cesspool, sucking the blood out of everyone and
destroying everything in its path.
After suffering all this emotional abuse and the shock of this
completely different person you have married, where do you begin to put
a stop to all this madness? You can do one of two things. You can leave
him, which I might add he definitely deserves. But if you do, don’t
expect any financial aid or support of any kind. Two problems exist
here. One; he is now going to be spending all his free time with his
mistress, and possibly others if he gets bored with her, which means
much more money being taken away from you and your family. How are you
going to go about fighting for financial aid from another country? My
opinion only, but I think it would be impossible. So you’ve given up,
you’re left with fresh deep wounds, and all you’ve accomplished is
giving him exactly what he thinks he wants - his freedom. He now has his
cake and can eat it too. Who won this battle? (and it is a battle - a
war). In reality, no one has. He’s going to continue to destroy himself,
and possibly drink himself to death, and you are now left with nothing
more than a failed marriage, broke and starting from scratch, to put it
mildly.
The second option you have is to fight back. Try to destroy the monster.
Try to get your old husband back. Remember? - the one you fell in love
with? You will have to pull yourself together, step in, take charge and
get ready to fight a raging war. You are fighting for your life and him,
and for your marriage. He is not going to quit on his own. He doesn’t
know how to get himself out of this mess. You will have to help him to
see reality more clearly. Remember, he’s gone temporarily insane. He’s
almost a worse basket case than you are.
To start any thing anew, you have to get it all out in the open. He’s
already got away with most of it, so he’s got to know for a fact he
cannot do this any more. Period. You might have to threaten him with
certain things. For instance, turning over all details of what’s
happening to you to his family or employer. That should get his
attention.
You’ve got to make him talk (and do this as sweetly and quietly as you
can. Good luck). He’s got to come clean about his relationships with all
these girls, no matter how much it hurts both of you. And I mean details
of everything he’s done (try to stay calm). He will definitely fight
this but it will help you to understand what he’s been going through (if
that’s possible). I didn’t say forgive or forget (this will take a very
long time, if ever).
You will both have to make strong promises to each other and keep them.
All these things, plus your understanding (whether its real or not),
will help him get rid of some of the madness & insanity that’s
completely overtaken him and possibly save your marriage. I guess I
still believe in miracles.
Next week my story and how I saved my marriage. I am also forming a
support group in Pattaya and will publish a phone # with the next story.
A few excerpts from Newsweek Magazine Sept. 30 issue on adultery by
Jerry Adler:
The man’s favorite defense is that he was driven to his shocking
escapades by alcoholism. A long term relationship with another woman
goes beyond sex into the realm of intimacy. The new understanding of
adultery is that it is a sin of the heart and mind as much as, or even
more than, the body.
Sometimes adultery is not just about sex. Naturally, sometimes it really
is just about sex. But most affairs, says Atlanta psychiatrist Dr. Frank
Pittman, the author of a book on infidelity, “are conducted primarily on
the telephone rather than in bed. Affairs aren’t as intensely sexual as
you’d think. It’s not like in the movies.” The essence of an affair,
Pittman says, is in “establishing a secret intimacy with someone”, a
secret that necessarily, must be defended with dishonesty. Infidelity,
he writes, isn’t about “whom you lie with, it’s whom you lie to”. To
think of infidelity mainly in terms of sex is actually the first step
toward rationalizing it. This view - infidelity equals sex equals
liberation - had a considerable following a generation ago. In 1974, the
National Opinion Research Center (NORC) at the University of Chicago
surveyed attitudes towards extra marital sex. The view that adultery was
“always wrong” won majorities in every age group but the margin was
smallest among 18 to 29 year olds: just 59% agreed with the proposition.
But since then attitudes have undergone a remarkable shift. Twenty years
later this same group, now in their 40s, condemned adultery by a much
more resounding 74% and people now in their 20s, who may have seen in
their own families what happens when couples take adultery too lightly,
show up in this survey as statistically the most sexually conservative
group in America, tied with people in their 60s in their overwhelming
rejection of marital infidelity. 50% say adultery is wrong because its
immoral, 25% because it can break up a marriage, 17% because of the
danger of AIDS and other diseases.
Marriage counselors haven’t detected any general upsurge in morality in
the 90’s, although there does seem to be more interest in not getting
caught. Family therapist Jean Holland’s reports that in Silicon Valley,
where she practices, for a man to be caught with a female colleague or
hooker “is not a sign of virility anymore, but a sign of stupidity”.
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