Agony reward
A Farang, financially exhausted after the new year celebrations, made a daring attempt to rob a bank in the Land of Smiles. Disguised in a reindeer hat with antlers, he ordered bank officials at gun-point to fill a huge sack with all the cash they had. He was arrested by police half an hour later as he writhed in agony on the bank’s floor. He had ruptured himself trying to lift over a million baht in coins.
Not so fortunate
Notice seen in a bar in Pattayland Soi 2: “Reward for finding dog. Has two broken ribs after recent car accident. Both ears torn in argument with a monkey. Many body scars following unsuccessful operation to be neutered. More or less blind, answers to the name of Lucky.”
Holy Mackerel
A fish restaurant in Chiang Mai decided to advertise in a local newspaper. After a complex set of directions and an unhelpful map, the advertisement concluded, ‘Turn down the Soi opposite the mortuary and you will find us on the righteous side of the street.’
Scotland forever
A very rough Brit is currently doing the rounds of the bars, threatening staff and customers, not paying his bills and generally putting the boot in wherever he can. Police said they had not yet found him because he has no special features and is average weight and height. A barmaid told them that he has “Glasgow Jock” tattooed on his forehead.
Cramped reptiles
A couple, on their first day in town, were sitting along side Second Road sipping their Earl Grey tea when a minibus drew up to park outside their cafe. Emblazoned on the side was ‘Visit Pattaya Snake Farm’. The wife got up gingerly from the table and approached the vehicle in a wary fashion. After peering nervously through the windows, she then resumed her seat. Turning to her husband, she said, ‘somehow, John, I thought that a Thai snake farm would have been bigger than that.’
Try again caller
Not only Thailand has its share of communication problems with foreigners. A tourist, recently returned from Peru, found the following advice next to his hotel telephone: ‘Hello Mr. Passing through. If it did not obtain a response after the third ringing, I will cut off your parts and return to attempt it. This will help you and thus avoiding the collection of your money which I do not want. This is since the telephone system registers the call as of the quarter ringing even though you have heard nothing and spoken less. I have been pleased to service you with my best ability.’
For a better environment
Seen on the Internet on the bottom of a homepage: This page has been produced with 100% recycled electrons.
“404” or “plug and play”?
Eavesdropping during a recent computer show I heard a computer freak saying to another: “We got a new guy in our company. He’s great and totally plug-and-play.” (meaning that he doesn’t need any training). Replies the other one: “We got a new one, too. I don’t bother asking him anything, he’s 404, man.” (comes from the Internet “404, URL not found” — meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located). Time to adapt new vocabulary!
Unwanted motorcycle
A resident, who has been getting a lot of grief for not keeping his motorcycle clean, proved his point last week when he accidentally left the keys in it while it was parked in front of the Hare House Restaurant on Soi Post Office for an entire day while he was out playing golf. Either the locals are getting more honest, or potential thieves just didn’t want to be seen driving the ugly mess.