Dear Hillary,
A few weeks ago I met a nice, handsome, polite man - at least that’s what I thought. We talked to each other at work several times and the other day I invited him to a formal party. Since he’s usually quite cute I made the mistake of thinking this meant he was also pretty cool, collected and sophisticated. As soon as the party started I wanted to disown him. He belched at the table, started food fights and made a total fool of himself on the dance floor, while I was turning redder than my fire-engine-red dress.
I talked to him during the party, but he didn’t seem to listen to me. The end of the story was; I went home much earlier than I normally would have. I have seen him several times since then, again at work, and he acted very normal. He never excused himself for his rude behavior at the party and I didn’t mention it as well. Now, am I crazy or is he? I actually like him a lot. Do you think I could change him?
Ashamed.
Dear Ashamed,
If you want to totally disown this guy on the grounds that he’s the rudest and most inconsiderate person you’ve ever gone out with, go ahead - you’re pretty much within your rights to be mad as hell with this man. If you want to grin and bear it in the future, at the very least, you should stand up to him and tell him that you don’t like his behavior or the way he’s making you look in front of all your friends.
Go on a casual date with the guy, so you can get to know him a little better. You’ve also got to talk to him about his behavior. He might be ashamed of himself and believes by not saying anything about it, you might forget it. This is wrong! By passing it over in silence he could come to the conclusion that you didn’t mind his behavior at all - and act the same next time. He may just have been very nervous at the formal party and acting dumb is the only way he knew how to deal with it. So if you get to know him better before you take him out to another formal occasion, he might be more comfortable, and you will know better how to deal with him.

Dear Hillary,
My husband and I have been married for three years, of which we have spent 14 month in Thailand. He used to be passionate and honest, but recently his interest in me has dwindled. Sex is an effort for him and he says if I nag him, it will only get worse. Also, his work has become so demanding I am sure he is close to a breakdown, but, even though the amount of his working-hours has increased, the money he earns has not. That’s making me suspicious. A few months after we arrived in Thailand, he went to see a doctor for a check-up, because he was getting unbearable headaches. He’s never told me the result. Instead he became very strange. At any occasion he’s harsh with me and never gives me a friendly word. He has become forgetful, swearing he has told me things when he hasn’t. I am becoming paranoid and it’s not doing me any good. Lately I began to think that he has a girlfriend. I am afraid, because if this is the matter, I‘ll have to leave him. But I have built my life around him and I can’t bear to see it torn apart.
Expat-wife.
Dear Expat-wife,
Your husband appears to be under great stress. If he works more and more hours - he should get more money for it. If he’s just pretending to work, it could mean he’s hiding something. He seems to be emotionally distraught - frightened perhaps. If he has a girlfriend, he might be frightened that you will find out about her. He might possibly be more frightened about work and mortality than he can admit and is probably still suffering from a serious physical problem, which the doctor discovered, but which he doesn’t want to admit to you.
If there is no girlfriend, there might be another reason for him to stay out late. Check if he has started to drink. There are always specific signs you will be able to notice if you know what to look for. (Many people tend to drown their problems in alcohol.) Either way, he deserves concern. Maybe he’s just waiting for you to talk to him about it. If you cannot worry about him more than you worry about yourself. If you cannot, at this difficult point, help him more than you care about helping yourself, then I can only suggest you to get out of the relationship and find another man less troubled, who needs true friends less than this one.