Muscle bound child

As the tourist mini-bus pulled into Pattaya’s stone age park, a harassed mother from Leeds warned her daughter, “Now, Doreen, don’t go and knock anything over like you did at Stonehenge.” Case of PRAT (Pattaya Respects Attentive Tourists).

Nestling nicely

A Welsh vet has been jailed for masterminding a band of smugglers who hid wild birds’ eggs in their underpants as they passed through Bangkok airport. One of the accused said the original plan had been to wear their pants outside their trousers, like Superman, but this idea had been vetoed as too likely to attract attention.

Gay streakers

Three middle-aged Italians caused consternation in Boystown last Saturday when they walked naked through the soi sporting only Wellington boots and three large Panatelas. The manager of Boys Boys Boys rushed out and gave them a strict dressing down. “I hope you realize this is a clean city,” he said, “and you risk a 2000 baht fine if you drop one of those cigars.”

Stock exchange

A falang was puzzled about Thailand’s recent financial crisis as he sipped a beer and read the paper. Turning to his neighbour, he asked, “Do you know what these bears and bulls are?” His new friend answered, “Well, I suppose they are like the birds and the bees with more rough stuff in the bedroom.”

Buddy spare a dime

Foreign investors, who want to buy quick residency permits in Thailand, must buy either government bonds or condominium units worth eight million baht and upwards. The Board of Investment says that the move will attract more foreign exchange and will shore up the sluggish property market. If you take the property route, you must hold on to your condo for at least five years.

Kofta curry

There’s a new Pakistani cafe in the short block between Soi VC and Soi Yensabai on the Second Road. The Amna Restaurant is reasonably priced and the quality good. Vegetarians, for example, can enjoy three dishes and a nan for around 100 baht.

A Pattaya fortune

Here is a good tip if you are thinking of opening a business in Pattaya. Question: How does a Pattaya bar owner end up with one million dollars? Answer: He starts off with two million. Now you know it all.

Fifty fifty

A pair of drunks were having a pointless argument about whether the girls in Pattaya are more or less attractive than those in Phuket. One offered a compromise to settle the dispute. “Tell you what,” he slurred, “I’ll meet you halfway. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I’m right.”

Taxing machines

The latest rumour is that Bangkok airport is thinking of installing auto machines to take your departure tax and issue a receipt. This would make a third queue to join in addition to those at the luggage scanner and the airline check-in counter. Anyway, after surviving the new bureaucracies in a state of exhaustion, you are bound to sleep through the in-flight movie.

Not another one

Don’t under-rate the large numbers of Russians now visiting Pattaya, otherwise known as Little Moscow. Some of them have a sense of humour. One was entertaining two English guys in a condo lift. “Here’s some good news,” said the Russian, “Lenin’s mother is still alive. Now the bad news: she’s pregnant.”