Boozy Brits in Pattaya

by Barrie Kenyon

More alcohol is probably consumed in Pattaya than in any other three square miles on earth. In South Pattaya, most of it is drunk by Brits. Union Jacks are displayed everywhere, inside and outside many bars. 90% of trivial pursuits players are from the UK and most of them are seasoned drinkers to say the least. Many bar owners or renters are British, most of them originating from the north of the country. Even the gay Boystown is dominated by Brits and the most successful of these businesses has consciously modelled itself on an English pub. Now that John Bull has lost his world empire, would-be imperialists come to Pattaya to open a bar.
The British, of course, have been traditionally tolerant of boozers. Pitt The Younger drank himself into an early grave by downing three bottles of port a day. Churchill’s prodigious consumption of alcohol enabled the nazi propaganda machine to label him as a hopeless drunk. George Brown, a deputy prime minister of the 1960s, even had a phrase devised for him. The BBC called him “tired and emotional” after he appeared drunk on TV to comment on Kennedy’s assassination.
Britain is more puritanical these days. John Major and Kenneth Clark may endorse beer drinking in a staged appearance, but they take care not to be seen quaffing it too often. Televised debates in parliament have made “one too many” difficult to conceal. Women still drink less and their growing presence in British political and economic life inhibits male habits of conviviality. Except for an occasional glass of red wine, doctors denounce drinking as harmful to health and sanity. Alcohol is seen increasingly as incompatible with responsibility.
So Pattaya is indeed a haven. With few taboos and a fun atmosphere, visitors can hardly go wrong. In fact, the more you drink, the more popular you are on a 24 hour basis. Imported devices such as “happy hour” and “keep your bottle behind the bar” create loyalty to the bar and encourage the one-for-the-road mentality. Even much of the conversation is about drink. The price of Carlsberg lager in Pattaya and Paddington is earnestly contrasted. A new arrival, such as Tetley’s bitter, is greeted with an enthusiasm usually reserved for a huge lottery win.
There’s more to it than that. Pubs in England are dreary places. There is no table service and you have to understand a range of complex strategies to get the bartender’s attention at busy times. These include holding up a five pound note, whilst smiling hopefully, and avoiding bad habits such as pushing your neighbour or muttering “Whom do I have to copulate round here to get a drink?” Some pubs have tried to imitate the Continent by placing plastic tables and chairs outside, but you will be completely ignored if you sit at them. Another drawback in England is that you are not allowed to speak to a stranger. Attempting to do so will be construed as a mortal sin or, worse, a botched attempt at a pickup. Britain is a herd society and you must stick with your own cows. The only time you can break this cultural norm is if you spill beer over a foreigner or bump into a stranger on the way to the toilet. Daring to ask a member of staff to change the overflowing ash tray is akin to denying the Holocaust in civilised society.
None of this applies in Pattaya once you obey the bar girl’s instruction to “sit down please”. No reasonable request will be refused unless the language barrier intervenes. Adding angustora bitters to your gin and tonic order may cause a problem and expressions such as “ploughman’s lunch” or “toad in the hole” may not be present on the food menu. But its mostly plain sailing. If you speak to a Farang, he or she will not automatically assume you believe you are addressing a prostitute, and if you claim to be Lord Lucan on the run or a former member of the Birmingham Six, no-one is likely to report you to the police or ask to see your passport.
But Pattaya’s Brit bar owners are shrewd enough to have imported some UK traditions to boost business. As back home, it is very acceptable to buy a round of drinks which demonstrates you are a nice person who is applying for herd membership. Some bars even have a brass bell with a rope. Pull it at your peril as it means you are buying drinks for every customer in the place. It is also good practice to offer the bar owner a drink. This will cost you three or four times what it cost the bar owner to but you one half an hour ago. There is at least one proprietor in Pattaya who claims to have made his fortune by extensive use of this strategy, although most of it has evaporated in expensive hospital bills for the treatment of serious liver complaint.
The pub-like atmosphere of South Pattaya enables really serious drinkers and alcoholics to conceal themselves in big social groups. There is strength in numbers. The magic of the resort is to make you feel that, somehow, booze is actually beneficial to your health. Perhaps it is. As the man on the pavement said, “I though Hertz Van Rentals was a Dutch painter until I discovered Smirnoff.”

Boozy Brits in Pattaya