He’ll never really know me...

The story of a transsexual as told to Ayrada

A few weeks ago, when I was still together with my boyfriend, we went shopping. I caught sight of the two of us reflected in a shop window - and a sharp pain shot through me.
We looked so perfect together - his arm around my shoulders, his face gently nuzzling my long hair. He, so fair and me, dark - a beautiful sight.
Immediately I wanted to freeze that image, to slip it in my pocket so that no matter what happens in the future, I’ll be able to take it out and know that I was loved.
But as we passed the shop, the image faded and was lost forever. Now I sit here, alone, wondering why I let him go.
I’ll never forget the first time I met him. It was five months ago and I was looking for a baht-bus after an evening out with some friends.
I’m a Thai citizen and a couple of drunken tourists started trying to chat me up, believing I was a bar girl. After a while they became abusive, I was getting real worried, until another foreign man stepped in and sent them both packing. After thanking him for my rescue he simply told me, not to mention it, since he couldn’t stand by seeing a lovely lady in trouble. His eyes met mine and I knew I’d fall for him.
I was right. We ended up chatting for ages and I gave him my phone number and my address. I was sure he’d get in touch, especially since he was working here in Thailand. The very next evening there was a ring on my doorbell and there he was - handsome, confident; the sort of man I’d dreamed of.
He was always a gentleman. The first time we went out together, he left me with a chaste peck on the cheek. The second time, the kiss was more lingering. After that it became more passionate, but there’d always come a point when I’d resist and he would pull back.
He said he understood my feelings and he would never rush me.
But about a month ago his patience wore thin. He couldn’t understand that a girl of almost 30 years of age would resist sex. He asked me if I wanted to get married first. He asked me to tell him the day, for he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
As usual, I backed away again. I told him I’d needed more time and left him.
Arriving home that night, I sat on the floor with my head in my hands and wept. He actually had asked me to marry him. It was the fairy-tale ending I longed for - yet I knew it could never happen.
You see, they don’t let men marry men in this, or his, country. And according to my birth certificate, that’s what I am - a man. And that’s what I can’t face him finding out.
I’ve known since I was a small boy, growing up in Bangkok, that I should have been a girl. Yet, there I was, imprisoned in this alien male body, trying on my sister’s clothes when they were out and crying when my mother cut my hair short.
But I learned very quickly that people don’t like you if you are different - at least not in my parents rather rich community. So I tried to conform. I blocked out my fantasies of knights in shining armor and played football for the school team. Here and in the USA where I studied. There and later, after coming back to Thailand, I went out with girls and even slept with a few. But all the time I felt dead inside.
Five years ago, I could no longer live a lie. I knew what happened to me. I was a Transsexual. After a lot of counseling, I started taking female hormones. I moved to Pattaya for I didn’t want to embarrass my family, and, for the first time, began dressing like a woman in public - and I loved it.
I am quite tall, but I’ve always been slim and women’s clothes fit me well. There are some transsexuals who never stop looking like men. I was lucky.
After two years, I had a sex-change operation. My mother had been realizing the fact and she supported me with money, as well as morally.
But although I looked and felt like a woman, in the back of my mind was the nagging fear that someone would find me out.
Looking at me now, no one could guess I haven’t always been female. But actually sleeping with a man - that’s another matter. At least for me.
For a few years I went out on dates, but never with someone special. Then he walked into my life.
In bed, he’s bound to discover I’m ‘different’ and I couldn’t take this chance. I couldn’t bear to see him recoil from me in disgust. I’d do anything to stop him discovering the truth.
So I just told him I don’t love him and am not going to see him anymore. He walked away heart-broken, and he will never ever know how much I really loved him. Or how badly I wanted to stay with him.

14 tips to have a relationship without agony

* Love is acceptance
* Love is never accepting what is intolerable
* Don’t expect your partner to be other than he/she is, or to do what you think he/she should: the only way you can ever change another person’s behavior is to change the way you react to it.
* Neither of you is re-sponsible for the other’s happiness. You may be happier together than you would be apart, but you always remain responsible for yourself and your own happiness.
* If you are not his/her first intense relationship, be prepared to accept certain amounts of baggage from his/her past.
* Respect his/her privacy - people who snoop around other people’s lives never find anything nice.
* If you suspect anything - ask.
* He/she may talk more softly than you, he/she may need to say things you’d rather not hear. Talk by all means, but never forget to listen to him/her as well.
* Don’t instantly blame yourself for your partner’s bad moods or occasional lapses of desire. Health, work and family count alongside relationships and can trouble him/her, too.
* To be bored is halfway to be boring. If you want to add interest to your relationship, be interesting.
* Never sulk - it’s more effective and adult to yell and throw things (just don’t throw things at each other!).
* As many relationships flounder on the irrational need to be right as flounder on wrongdoing: don’t insist on always being ‘right’.
* Badmouthing your lover to others is very bad taste and it will come back to haunt you.
* The one and only thing that’s better than fidelity in a relationship is forgiveness.

Are you feeling guilty today?

You’ve worked hard, earned your money and bought that dress you wanted. So why do you feel guilty? A certain amount of guilt is healthy, but too much is bad for you. Try this quiz to find out if you’re a victim of guilt - and what you can do about it.
1) My husband rarely calls his mother - so I have to call her.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
2.) I don’t like my next-door-neighbor, but I still do whatever she asks.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
3.) I need to work, but I feel guilty leaving my toddler with a baby-sitter.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
4.) When there’s a disaster in a foreign country, I always want to send money.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
5.) I quickly return things I borrow.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
6.) I feel anxious whenever I see a police car.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
7.) I think the people I work with could do my job as well as me.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
8.) I am always apologizing - even when something’s not my fault.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
9.) The first thing that crosses my mind when I’m offered a piece of chocolate is calories.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
10.) When I refuse an invitation to a party, I worry that I’ve offended the host.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
11.) I feel I should foresee the mistakes I make.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
12.) What other people think of me means a lot to me.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
13. I feel uncomfortable if the house is untidy.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
14.) I’m troubled by animal rights issues.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
15.) I always think I’m going to be stopped by customs, even if I have nothing to declare.
A) Agree
B) Disagree
WHAT’S YOUR SCORE?
If you ticked 12 or more A’s:
You’re wracked with guilt and self-pity, and the only way to stop these feelings is to discover why you have them in the first place. You must learn to look at your feelings rationally. Write a list of things that make you feel guilty, then work trough them logically. For example, when it comes to your family, if your feelings of being put upon by them are overweighed by your feelings of guilt, then write another list of all those things you’ve done for them. You’ll find there are plenty of things that show you’re a wonderful mum, daughter, wife, sister.
If you ticked 8 - 12 A’s
You’re scoring about average in the guilt stakes. You know logically that you shouldn’t feel bad about leaving your baby with a baby-sitter, or refusing a party invitation now and then, but you can’t help it. Next time you feel overwhelmed by guilt, ask a friend for moral support and advice. Friends have your best interest at heart and are usually the best ones to assure you that you should think of yourself more and remember you have a life, too.
If you ticked 4 - 8 A’s
You’ve struck the right balance. A healthy dose of worry about other people’s feelings makes you a nicer person. It stops you from neglecting your children or slacking at work. But you also know where to draw the line. You realize that you aren’t responsible for all the bad things that happen in the world - no one is.
If you ticked less than 4 A’s
Your lack of conscience itself is a worry. Okay, it may not be your fault that people are starving in the world - but that shouldn’t stop you from donating. You seem incapable of feeling much for others and, although you may not worry about your lack of friends, you should realize that these traits will stop you from forming any real deep relationships.