Number please

Revelers at Jomtien Beach this week were shocked to see a twenty two stone (140 kilo) heavyweight wearing only a cod piece. Sun worshippers and sandwich sellers fled in terror when they heard a loud ringing coming from between his legs. John Allcock, 39, from Birmingham said, “I am in the communications industry and cannot afford to miss any calls on my mobile.” Police warned him not to take any further messages in his private quarters.

Family understanding

Just arrived in Pattaya, a young man asked his father for three thousand baht in order to paint the town red on his first night. The father said, “O.K. son but remember that a fool and his money are soon parted.” The lad answered, “Yes, I know dad but thanks for the cash all the same.”

Marketing veto

The low season is upon us and bars are turning to the bizarre in order to boost business. But plans can go wrong. A South Pattaya pub menu has been withdrawn after its King Herod Baby Burgers and Crucified Kippers were branded tasteless by regular punters.

The Maltese Falcon

Treasure hunters are frantically scouring Hong Kong to track down the jewel filled statue which the Marcoses allegedly sold there in 1984. All bets are off after the UK colony reverts to Chinese control this coming July. Needless to say, pay TV companies are screening a certain 1941 movie starring Humphrey Bogart.

Quizzical answers

One or two malapropisms from the trivial pursuits league:

“Arsenal and Old Lace” (horror-comedy starring Cary Grant)

“Corgi and Bess” and “Kiss Me Hardy” (two Hollywood musicals)

“Dracula” (the Count who made famous the song April in Paris).

No way Taipei

A Taipei district court prosecutor has announced a crackdown on sex tours and counterfeit shopping sprees which are apparently plaguing the off-shore Chinese island. So that’s another place to cross off the list of visa run destinations.

Green church

One of Britain’s female vicars has boobed after introducing a new campaign to save more bottles and cans to be recycled. She told a meeting of boy scouts, “I’m going to up my pledge, so Up Yours!”

Float in style

Poster seen in Chiang Mai, “Are you attending tonight’s session on transcendental meditation?” Someone has scrawled underneath, “I suppose so, it’s better than doing nothing.”

Eternal youth

Face lifts for teenagers? A new book by Gerald Imber has sold out after two weeks on the shelves. It advocates the use of anti-aging surgery on patients far younger than previously accepted. His argument is, if you get them young, less dramatic treatment will be needed later. Who said that child abuse is against the law?

Your good health

Well known man about town, Paddy O’Leary, has died from cirrhosis and cancer after consuming daily two bottles of whiskey and 60 cigarettes for the past thirty years. In his will, he leaves his condo to his Thai wife and his body to science. His wife is delighted. Science is contesting the will.

Newspaper bar none

Inside sources at Chonburi jail, which houses a handful of farang prisoners, say that the going rate for obtaining a newspaper is 100 baht. After pooling their resources, the incarcerated lads had a vote and chose the Pattaya Mail. Excellent value for money.