April Fool’s Day
Attempts by British bar owners to boost business on April 1st
fell flat this year. One promised that Lord Lucan would show up at midnight, but
neither of the two customers present had the faintest idea who he was. Both were
South Koreans who shook hands with a bald figure in dark glasses and said they
were pleased to have met a member of the Royal Family.
Private Dick
A farang was cheated by a beautiful Thai virgin whom he
married. He woke up on honeymoon to discover she had absconded with the house
deeds, his bank book and several expensive gold rings. Armed with a legal writ
to serve on her, the farang searched Pattaya from end to end looking for a
private investigator. Eventually, he bumped into a retired car park attendant
who promised to track her down. A week later, the ex guard came back to the
farang and asked him where exactly his wife was.
Language massacre
Although some Pattaya car hire companies now offer insurance,
filling in the form after an accident can cause problems. One luckless motorist
wrote, “Coming out of Soi Eight, an invisible car came from nowhere and vanished
in a puff of smoke. I thought my window was down but found it up after putting
my head through it. At this point, I saw a sad faced gentleman as he bounced off
the roof of the car.”
Leaking boobs
Eight local transvestites are going ahead with a plan to sue
a doctor who put condoms filled with salt water into their breasts. He said he
had run out of silicon implants but did not want to disappoint them as they came
round after the anesthetic. Well, they do say that sex is just one damp thing
after another.
Dear John
Obscure language is all the rage at Laem Chabang port where a
farang received a letter which began, “Owing to inventory shrinkage and
interpersonal friction, our non contractual association is deemed to have
terminated”. Asking a friend what it meant, he was told, “You are fired for
being a thief and a prat.”
Food for thought
Notices seen in a bar in Soi 14: “Why bother to use a condom
if you don’t wear a crash helmet?” Another asks, “I’m into wife swapping and
will take anything in exchange.”
Save the environment
Mourners are being banned from putting football shirts, teddy
bears and extra knitwear in the coffins of relatives at two cremation centers in
Birmingham. That gravely written journal, Internment Monthly, says it is an
attempt to cut down on pollution in the city center.
For Mister McGoo
Conventional wisdom and arm chair generals in the bars cast
doubt on the accuracy of eye tests in Pattaya. They are years out of date as the
latest computer technology easily picks up problems such as astigmatism and
glaucoma. If you are very short sighted and want hi-index glass which reduces
the “jam jar bottom” effect of thick lenses, try Toko Optical on the South
Pattaya Road opposite the Frau Pattaya Restaurant.
A bleak March
Most bar owners report last month as very poor business. Lots
of Russians and Asian tourists around but they just haven’t got the hang of
playing pool, watching football and buying drinks for British and German saloon
keepers. Can’t think why.
They never close
A reader wonders why 7/11 convenience stores have locks on
their doors. After all, they are open 24 hours a day for 365 days a year.
Answers on a postcard, please.
