Moon walking

Its time once again for the annual Pattaya Full Moon Hash House Harriers A-Z Mekong Knee Walk. The annual pub crawl will take place on Tuesday, April 22, and will include one Mekong coke/soda in each of up to 26 different bars and pubs in town. That is if you can last that long. So, if you don’t mind learning days later what you did that night, sign-up with Moon Groupie or Teeny Weeny at the Hare House on Soi Post Office. Price includes commemorative T-shirt, pre-run vittles and a massive hangover. Barf bags and hospital bills not included.

Silence in court

A Belfast man was found guilty at Chonburi court this week of possessing cocaine for his own use. Making a plea for a reduced sentence, he told the judge, “I have been taking this stuff for twenty years and can assure you from personal experience that it is not habit forming.”

Twilight of the Gods

It is good to know that culture is alive and kicking at Jomtien Beach. Two farangs were overheard having a discussion about the composer Richard Wagner. “I think his music is dead boring,” said one. “Well, I don’t know about that,” commented his mate, “it is not really as bad as it sounds.”

Green light at Penang

Visa runners from Pattaya report prompt and efficient service at the Thai embassy in Penang where double entries are back in fashion. Several hotels, including the Oriental, accept applications for Thai visas on your behalf. With good timing, you can have your passport back and be on your way in under twenty hours.

Under age sex

There is no need to make the debate about paedophilia unduly complicated. Men looking for sex with children will assemble in big numbers wherever the risk of arrest is minimal. Detection and exposure are what drive them away. The question about high profile cases is whether they are the exception or the rule.

A cola too far

There are still a few advertisements around town proclaiming “Come alive with the Pepsi generation”. A group of tourists from Taipei were shocked to discover that the Mandarin translation is “Pepsi brings back your dead ancestors”.

Now fancy that

According to Robert Church’s book of world trivia, there are more foreign old age pensioners riding around on motorbikes in Pattaya than anywhere else on earth. And falling off them regularly, no doubt.

April fool

Some new jokes were played on the British public this year. A superstore advertised Mars bars specially designed for chocolate eaters who are left handed. Calls flooded in from hopeful drivers after a company advertised a new insect deflector screen which allows motorists to drive through swarms of insects at 120 km per hour without marking the windscreen. A spoof election poster from Conservative central office announced the equivalent of a ten thousand US dollar tax rebate, “because we are sorry for all the trouble we have caused you in the last 18 years.”

The final word

A deep mystery about Pattaya’s sex industry was settled this week by visiting tourist Mr. Albert Monks. Asked to say how many people work in go-go bars and nightclubs throughout the resort, he said, “About ten percent of them”. Now we know.

Bonus time

Here is a pioneering approach to employee motivation. “You have worked very hard for the company over the last year, and I would like to give you this cheque for 100,000 baht in recognition,” read a memo to a delighted worker. It continued, “And if you perform as well this year, I’ll sign it.”

Screen puzzler

Explanation of why a subscriber’s TV screen was blank: “The code E22 means that your smart card is missing, not to be confused with E23 which means that it is still missing.”

Time for lunch

Seen on the label of a frozen food package in a busy supermarket: “Spike’s Dinner is a genuine mixture of meat and vegetable derivatives plus ground-up chicken carcasses.” It’s not for you or your dog, but for your hedgehog! Haven’t seen too many of those crossing Sukhumvit Highway lately.