Feeding time

Staff blood pressure and absenteeism have risen sharply at a local zoo after a notice appeared near the main entrance. It read, “Please do not feed the animals. If you have brought any spare food, the attendant on duty will be pleased and grateful to receive it.”

Coitus Interruptus

A real dumb farang spent a fortune on his girlfriend: gold rings, a motorcycle, an ATM card, the works. Then he discovered her in bed with his best friend. “So what are you doing with that condom?” he yells. “See,” says the girl to her new lover, “I told you he is real dumb.”

Heavens above

Two Newcastle backpackers crashed out in a single room in a cheap Pattaya hotel after a night on the town. Three hours later, one came back to bed claiming he had just witnessed a miracle: “When I went to the bathroom, the light came on by itself and went off again after I finished.” His mate replied drowsily, “That was no miracle, you’ve just peed in the refrigerator again.”

Land for sale

Before you rush out to buy your one rai of land, remember what the draft regulations say. The discretion is to be limited to foreigners who invest 25 million baht here or who marry a Thai in order to buy a plot for living purposes. As always, the devil is in the detail.

Morning specials

At the last count, there were around two dozen Pattaya restaurants claiming to offer the best breakfast in town. One of the best contenders is Sportsmans Inn, Soi Yodsak, where there is no grease on the plate and the sausages are close to the English taste. Excellent value at 80 baht with enough to eat for most trenchermen.

False alarm

Police this week were relived when, having discovered a car with a hosepipe connected to the exhaust, they traced the vehicle’s owner and found him safe and well. Driver Miles D’eath from Lewisham said he had been trying to gas a mouse which had taken up residence in the boot.

Visas in Vietnam

In addition to Hanoi, there is now a visa issuing Thai consulate in Ho Chi Minh City. The latest information is that you need company registration papers for a non-immigrant “B” and a letter of recommendation from a Thai national for a tourist visa. Double entries don’t seem Thai to be a problem at present.

Penis protection

After a spate of genital mutilation in Southeast Asia by suspicious wives on their cheating husbands, a Japanese company is marketing Armour Briefs to protect men whilst they sleep. But a Manila housewife, noticing a pair of steel padded underpants in the washing machine, assumed the worst and cut her husband’s throat. Next bright idea please?

Sewage in the news

According to research by Kimberly Clark Thailand Limited, only four percent of people outside of Bangkok regularly use toilet paper. Mind you, in many of Pattaya’s pubs and clubs, they don’t even get the opportunity.

Two way ticket

A lorry driver was handed two tickets, one for speeding and the other for going too slow. A police car had followed him as he crawled up a steep hill at below the ten kilometre minimum speed limit, and as he hurled down the other side in excess of the maximum. Case of double your money.

Sin City truism

“The best thing about Pattaya,” observed the old timer in the Rising Sun, “is that you can pay for anything you want. The worst thing is that you don’t have any choice.”