Cosa Nostra
Given all this talk about mafias and violence in Pattaya, it is almost a relief to find out that the situation in Manchester is even worse. Apparently, crimes rates there are so high that even hit-and-run muggers are walking the streets in pairs.

Undressed for success

Hugh Ramsbottom, a tourist from Birmingham, was arrested by Pattaya police this week as he wandered around “Made in Thailand” wearing only socks, sandals and a sun hat. He told puzzled officers that he was trying to win a bet that it is still possible to buy a full set of clothes in the indoor market for less than 200 baht.

Your police are wonderful

An American newspaper reported that lieutenant Virgil Labretta recently retired after serving thirty years in the Los Angeles “defective police force”. Next day a hasty apology appeared to correct the misprint. It read, “Of course, we meant to say in the detective police force.” So much for computer spelling checks.

Expat dies

Friends of Pattaya Orphanage will be saddened to learn that Ken Allen, one of the senior volunteers, died of a sudden heart attack late last month. Britisher Ken, 60, was also a founder member of the Pattaya Bridge Club and one of its most regular players. A much respected figure, Ken will be greatly missed by his many friends.

Aussie Ken’s closes

Lovers of fish and chips, who want to speak English and real bloody good, mate, will have to find a new toast and gossip shop following the bar’s closure and lease termination. A unique Pattaya institution since the 1980s, Aussie Ken’s was famous as a meeting ground for exchanging the latest tidbits.

Diamonds are forever

An Italian woman, worried that her house would be robbed during her visa run to Penang, spent hours sewing her most valuable pieces of jewelry into the hems of household upholstery. She returned home to find her Naklua bungalow ransacked and all the jewelry gone. Not trusting her poor memory, she had left a note pinned to the refrigerator door which read, “Reminder - the diamonds are in the bedroom curtains.”

One hundred and eighty

From a Pattaya darts league newsletter: “Dave was in good form, hitting the bull and following up with two tons. But Neil was unlucky in the singles when Paul broke his shaft midway through the game which caused Neil’s girlfriend to burst into tears.”

Surfing the Internet

If you want to find out significant information or do some research, Pattaya public library is probably off-limits. Try the Internet cafe on the upper floor of the Royal Garden Plaza. You can surf the Internet for 300 baht an hour, not cheap, but the Thai staff speak English and are good at assisting greenhorns.

History professional

Overheard in Palmer’s Bar during the midweek quiz. The first man says, “What was the answer to that question on the Crusades?” His mate replied, “Richard Coeur de Lion.” “Oh,” goes on the first man, “I thought he was the world’s first heart transplant.”

Creative scam

Toyota drivers beware of a man on a motorbike who acts like a concerned citizen and says your brake lights don’t work. Not to worry, he works for a local Toyota shop and can fix the problem. He conveniently finds a short and has a pocket full of Toyota bulbs, exactly what you need. This guy is so good, you may even want to tip him!

Thought for the week

A farang businessman hit a series of bureaucratic delays trying to open a shop in Pattaya. He wrote to his lawyer, “Getting things done around here is like mating elephants. It is done at a high level and is accomplished with a great deal of roaring and screaming. But it takes two years to produce results.”

For steak lovers

The Zeppelin Restaurant on corner Central Road & Beach Road, put on a Summer Steak Promotion.