Computer error in your favor

A British old age pensioner is hopping mad after a visit to Sin City, but it is not Pattaya’s fault. He returned home to find that his wife had been named Shopper of the Year by a supermarket chain and holiday operator. The newspaper style leaflets also dubbed her an agony aunt and urged people to write her about buying cheap booze and exotic vacations. Asked why he was so annoyed, Mr. Alfred Wellworth said, “My wife died thirteen years ago.”

The best service in town

Extracts from a notice in a Pattaya hotel bedroom: “Please leave your values at the front desk when staying here. In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Leave your clothes in our laundry and spend the afternoon having a good time. Thank you for not breaking the rulers.”

Carry on puffing

Tried to quit smoking but failed with nicotine patches, chewing gum and Oriental acupuncture? You can now buy the Inhaler Mask which fills your nostrils and mouth with a harmless tobacco substitute by tweaking a button behind your ear. The success rate, however, is not thought to be 100%. One bright spark in the Pleasure Dome was seen to remove the facial contraption for a five minute break whilst he lit up a Lucky Strike.

Stay in the background

Around a dozen Pattaya farangs have been netted in the latest crackdown on foreigners working in small businesses without the proper permit. Passing a sauce bottle, going behind the bar and talking to customers can all technically be defined as “working”. Those armed only with the humble tourist visa face deportation, those with non-immigrant “B” stamps may get off with a fine and a warning. The law says that you are free to invest in Thailand, but working requires Labor Office approval.

New Labour

The recent general election in UK has sparked a rush of newspaper headlines. One says, “Tony Blair rearranges faces in cabinet.” Another, “Major catastrophe for prime minister.” Your wish has been granted, matey. Watch out now for Labour plans to tax expats on their world-wide income and assets, not just those in Britain.

Internet use and abuse

Research is starting to pour in about how exactly the sixty million world-wide subscribers actually use the electronic highway. One study of who has clicked what concludes that 30% of on-line time is spent on work related research, 10% on e-mail and 50% looking for people who are wearing only a few clothes. No wonder the thought police are active on the net.

The yellow peril

It is an excellent idea to have put brand new traffic lights at the intersection of the South and Third Roads, known locally as Suicide Junction. The next step is to have them working properly at busy times rather than showing indefinite amber in four directions at once.

Hold it please

New technology can have its drawbacks. A notice, seen in the typing pool of a large Laem Chabang office, reads, “Under no circumstances may the reproduction equipment of the secretaries be touched without prior permission of the manager.”

Absolutely legless

News agencies report that tests conducted by a Phnom Penh zoologist prove that grasshoppers hear with their legs. In all cases the insects jumped when a tuning fork was sounded nearby. However, there was no reaction to this stimulus when the insects’ legs had been removed.

Jungle book

Disgusted parents have slammed a best selling talking book, printed in Africa, which is based on the blockbuster Lion King movie and gives children some fruity advice. Youngsters who press the button alongside the picture of the monkey Rifiki hear what sounds suspiciously like, “Squashed bananas up your a**e.” Hundreds of complaining parents in USA and Europe have been assured by the publishers that the phrase is actually, “Arsanti sana”, which as everybody knows is the Swahili for “You’re a baboon and I’m not.”