The Martians have landed

Don’t take too seriously the stories of flying saucers being spotted in the South China Sea. If aliens landed in Thailand, they would instantly be interviewed on Larry King Live to be asked questions about their hobbies and interests. They would then sell the exclusive film and book rights for millions of dollars, be invited to solve the world’s crises such as AIDS and be back on the planet Reptoid quicker than you could say Dalek.

The rainy season

An intrepid Pattaya Mail reader, wearying of crashed police cars and foreign mafias, decided to hire a car and take a trip to the Golden Triangle. All went well until he sighted a road sign near the Burmese border which read, “If you cannot see this sign, the road ahead will be impassable.”

Home sweet home

According to a recent survey by Asian Ideals, the vast majority of Thais are happy living in their own country, with just 10% saying they plan to emigrate. A similar poll in Britain showed that almost half the population wanted to live abroad. Must be why there are such long queues these days at the immigration bureau.

Down boy

A farang married a beautiful Thai virgin. As they made love on their wedding night, the girl’s pet dog believed her to be under attack, leapt on the bed and bit the man’s buttocks and flatly refused to let any intimacies occur. After a week of celibacy, the farang insisted that the terrier had to go. The tearful virgin replaced the animal with a Pekinese which seemed extremely friendly towards our German friend. But, as they commenced sex, the oriental canine insisted on jumping on the man’s back and barking instructions for the duration.

All in a day’s work

Seven deaf and dumb Japanese climbers this week were taken off the 11,000 feet Mount Cook because of avalanche dangers. The New Zealand rescue operation took most of the night and involved three helicopters and hundreds of ropes. Gary Muldoon, head of the special services mission, said he tried shouting through a megaphone for two hours but the climbers did not seem to understand a word he said.

Customer care

Notice in a local shop window: “Since we are anxious to maintain a high standard of service to our customers, this branch will be closed all day on Wednesday and Thursday.”

Lively graveyard

Extract from the UK undertakers’ periodical Interment Monthly: “In case of industrial action, it may be necessary to conduct burials with a skeleton crew… The local council has confirmed that 500 shrubs and trees will be planted in the cemetery in order to provide a more attractive environment for residents.”

Allo allo

A farang visited the local telecommunications center to tell them about his change of address for phone bills. He was told to bring his passport which he dutifully went home to collect. On his second visit, he was asked for the previous three bills which necessitated a couple more trips on a baht bus. But he was crowned with success at the third attempt: the various forms were filled in and triumphantly placed in the out tray. As he was leaving the office, the senior supervisor mentioned, “It will take three months for the computer to update your details.”

Not so flexible friends

A recent check on credit card companies shows that farangs living in Thailand will find it harder to obtain credit and debit cards drawn against accounts in Thai banks. Unless you hold large reserves here as a backup, you will be asked to produce a work permit.

Destination settee

A Jomtien man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch would not budge. “Forget it,” the man finally said, “We’ll never get this in.” The neighbor looked at him quizzically and said, “In”?

Sexist Quote of the week

Over heard at a ladies luncheon, “I love being a woman. You can cry. You get to wear pants now. If you’re on a boat and it’s going to sink, you get to go on the rescue boat first. You can wear cute clothes. It must be a great thing, or so many men wouldn’t be wanting to do it.”