Southern comfort

A group of British holidaymakers were disappointed that they could not take a morning dip at their Phuket hotel. They complained that the brochure had promised a first class facility complete with all modern conveniences. The next morning a notice faced them as they walked down to breakfast, “The new swimming pool is now rapidly taking shape as the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.”

Mistaken identity

Part of the baggage reclaim at Bangkok Airport had to be evacuated in a two hours security alert this week when the luggage of a passenger from Ghana was thought to contain human remains. Fellow travellers detected a foul smell coming from a suitcase and staff were reluctant to handle the offending baggage. The plane had to be fumigated and extractor fans were put on full blast. All attempts to locate the owner having failed, the case was at length opened and was found to contain rancid goat’s cheese.

The crackdown continues

Most sex related businesses in Pattaya have now been visited by the police who are insisting on keeping a photocopy of the passport of any farang connected with the running of the bar or club. This could be tricky for anyone wanted by Interpol. Insiders say that most farang proprietors would like to get out but are committed by the terms of their lease. Cynics say that the current crackdown has some of the hallmarks of the 1991 Manila crackdown when many go-go investors there moved to Thailand.

Lounge lizards

Hold your breath because Pattaya’s first date-a-snake agency is opening soon. The idea is to help captive snakes, lizards and creepy crawlies find a mate. Owners who want their single pets to breed will be invited to send details to the agency which will match them on computer with likely companions. “The idea is to protect the environment by ensuring the survival of species in captivity,” said Clifford Anson one of the business partners.

And gravy too

The Saturday special at Amor restaurant, in the lane between Pattayaland sois two and three, is attracting a lot of attention. Roast lamb with all the trimmings, starter, dessert and coffee for a reasonable 280 baht. Their extensive a la carte menu is thoroughly revised every few months.

Ancient history

Greek and Roman history are not going down too well in Thai schools, or those catering for farang youngsters anyway. A parent, checking through his son’s test paper, was surprised to read a couple of items. One claimed, “The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair and looked like women, only more horrible.” The second gaff was, “The death of Julius Caesar was one of the biggest turning points of his life.”

Who’s a pretty boy then?

Noticed in the lost and found columns of a Leeds newspaper: “Lost, small Thai apricot parrot. Reward. Says ‘hello’ over and over again and has been neutered. Just like one of the family.”

Domestic bliss

Having trouble with your spouse? A recent survey finds that the first four minutes after arriving home are the flashpoints of three quarters of all marital disputes. On the graver front, women tend to kill their husbands in the kitchen while men do their murdering in the bedroom.

The Los Angeles times

A very lonely, but fabulously wealthy, 38 year old American placed a lonely hearts advertisement in the newspaper. He explained that he had an Oedipus complex, was frequently ill tempered but was looking for an understanding female companion to take on an all expenses paid trip to Thailand. The only reply was from his widowed mother.

Quite a relief

An American sailor, a newcomer in town, decided to try one of Pattaya’s notorious massage parlors. Well soaped and oiled by a particularly attractive attendant, he found himself becoming aroused in a somewhat obvious manner. He tried apologising to the girl, but she reassured him, “Oh, don’t worry about that, it happens all the time. Perhaps you would like to have some relief?” Seeing him nod ‘yes’, the girl then disappeared from the room. The excited sailor then pondered whether the girl would come back in a sexy nightie or, maybe, without any clothes at all. He waited a full ten minutes when the girl popped her head around the door and asked, “Have you finished yet?”