A fishy story

A budding adult friendship was ruined this week when a farang mother took her small son for afternoon tea at a neighbor’s house. The lad scoffed huge portions of black cherry cake and drank umpteen glasses of coke, but insisted on staring intently at the neighbor in spite of being told by the embarrassed mother not to do so. When finally asked why, the young boy said, “Well I can’t see that he drinks like a fish.”

Red letter day

A farang was recently charged 70 baht to send two letters to Germany in a local post office. The correct price was 28 baht but there was no appeal procedure once he had handed over the cash. The long line of people behind saw to that. It’s worth remembering, when in Soi Post Office, that Overseas Service (near DK bookstore) can take care of all your postal needs and the staff speak English. Their add-on charges are very reasonable, typically a baht or two for air mail letters.

In the hot seat

Mr. Bob Stubbs, a stand-up comedian from Bradford, had to be rushed to a Pattaya hospital on Monday just before his act at a local club. He was wearing a Liquorice Allsorts costume, with no backside to it, and was just bending down to tie his shoe laces. Unfortunately, the fire eater with whom he was sharing the tiny dressing room, chose that very moment to test his fire jet which resulted in a very burning moment for Mr. Stubbs’ bare rear end. Police are investigating but haven’t yet got to the bottom of the matter.

Alien problems

Everyone knows by now, or should do, that it is dangerous in Pattaya to invite youngsters under 18 alone to your hotel room or condo. But a farang was very bewildered recently when police burst in while he was entertaining a 21 year old woman he had picked up on Beach Road. Apparently, the girl was Burmese and an illegal immigrant in Thailand. Although the farang was not charged, he was warned at the police station that it is an offense in Thai law to harbor or assist illegal aliens of any nationality. So it is a wise precaution to check the ID of any stranger you invite to your room.

Social security

British inspectors have just left town after a couple of weeks tracking down benefit claimants who are living out here. In relaxed mode, they shared a couple of gems from letters they had received back in the UK. One said, “Please find out for certain whether my husband is dead or living in Thailand as the man I am living with can’t eat or do anything until he knows.” Another read, “My husband got his project cut off in Thailand three months ago and your officers refuse to give me any relief.”

Vientiane tourists

It is encouraging news that Laos has doubled the number of foreign visitors in recent years. But the standard of English there makes Pattaya look like a distinguished Oxbridge college. A hotel notice reads, “It is not encouraged if you are wanting to camp that people of different sex, for example men and women, live together in the same tent in the hills unless they are married and with each other for that purpose.”

Cambodian value

Visa runners to Phnom Penh report that prices are rising fast, especially on the accommodation front. For those on a modest budget, a good choice is the Tai Seng hotel at 56 Monivong Street which charges 20 dollars US a night for most rooms. Given that the capital is overloaded with exciting things to do, you can also rent a video recorder at the hotel for a couple of dollars and try watching some of those dirt cheap movie copies for which Phnom Penh is famous. However, buy a plentiful supply as the failure rate at show time is around 50%. And while you’re in town, say hello to Dave at Sharkey’s Bar, a fun meeting place.

The latest scam

Don’t get caught out by the latest (friendly) trap which is being sprung by Pattaya residents on unsuspecting newcomers such as American sailors. You are asked to stake a round of drinks against the possibility that the bar owner can sing a well-known song which includes any first name of your choice. After coming up with seemingly impossible names such as Virgil or Zacharias, you will be treated to a rendition of “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Virgil, happy birthday to you.” Mine’s a large Kloster by the way.