Criminal glossary

The latest linguistically creative crime to hit you this season could be “shoulder surfing” which means to use a pair of binoculars to read the charge-card numbers of people using cash machines and pay-phones. It has already hit the Silom and Sukhumvit areas of Bangkok and is bound to be heading this way. Remember that powerful lenses don’t always mean bad eyesight.

Ship ahoy

Aptitude tests aren’t what they used to be. One of the biggest employers of farang labor in the Chonburi district is using a pre-interview questionnaire from the United States which includes the puzzler, “Which ship carried the Pilgrim Fathers to America – was it a) The Titanic, b) The Mayflower, c) The Love Boat?” Sorry, Jo, never saw the movie.

The magic of aromatherapy

Fill a small bowl with water, light a candle underneath and put a few drops of oil into the liquid. Choose from Sandalwood, Cinnamon and Lavender amongst others. These oils are said to improve health and general well-being and to influence moods and emotions. The subtle fragrance is certainly a winner. Available now at Classic Tailors, near Northern Thai real estate, on the Second Road in South Pattaya for 100 baht.

Biology lesson

The eight year old son of a Pattaya bar owner seems well on his way to his avowed intention of becoming a doctor. His father asked him if he knew what a human skeleton was. “That’s easy,” responded the lad, “it’s just a pile of old bones after the people have been scraped off.” Alternative careers, such as butcher or horror movie director, are said to be under consideration.

Rest in peace

Heard at a farang burial service earlier this week: “Mr. Henry Pobjoy died four months ago but it has taken until now to find out the wishes of his nearest and dearest. This is appropriate as grief sometimes takes a long time to catch up. Henry had the reputation of being a hard man but that may be unfair. As we watch his coffin today being lowered into the earth, so long after his demise, this whole thing has reminded us that one should never judge from appearances. It is apparent to us all that even the toughest exterior can conceal a real old softie inside.”

Marital strikeout

Even though increasing numbers of Pattayans can now receive American sports on their TV sets, there is certainly a downside. A local housewife, unable to bear the indifference of her baseball crazy husband any longer, yelled at him, “You love the Red Sox more than you love me!” In anger and alarm, he replied, “That’s a damn lie you know. I love the Yankees more than I love you!”

Greg’s kitchen

Greg, formerly of the Sportsman Inn, has opened up a new eatery just a few doors from the tourist police offices on Second Road. Lavish refurbishment and ample parking round the back. Drop by for their full English trencherman’s menu including roasts, pies, fish and chips and very large breakfasts. One of the creamiest dessert menus in Pattaya, and the salads are wholesome if you are on a diet.

Say you love me

A farang tourist, romantic and idealist that he is, picked up a girl in a popular night spot in Pattayaland Soi Two and they made sweet, passionate love in his hotel room. Afterwards, they lay exhausted and contented in each other’s arms, enjoying a glass or two of champagne and watching the sun begin to set behind the majestic Jomtien hills. “What’s the most wonderful thing you can say about me?” queried the lovelorn farang as he nibbled the ear of his nestling companion. She replied, “You have hairs too much in your nose.”

Unworthy tourist

A teeth puller on the South Road advertises his services as “paneless”, maybe because there aren’t any windows in the surgery. Nonetheless, a suspicious farang visited there to have an extraction. The dentist saw him counting his money and said, “There’s no need to pay me until I’ve finished.” Came the response, “I know that. I’m checking the contents of my wallet before I become unconscious as you can’t be too careful in Pattaya.”

Sexist joke of the week

Overheard in the newly decorated Penthouse Bar. Question, “Why haven’t any women visited the moon?” Answer, “Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet.”