How to avoid dinner table confrontations

The other day, I barely escaped being seriously injured at a “free for all” during a dinner party given by the “Pattaya Beach Old Boys Memorial Association”. As has been customary for years, a fancy dressed ball followed. The trouble started when - while the Vichyssoise was being served - somebody made the wrong remark to the wrong person with disastrous consequences. The ugly incident proved again that in order to preserve décor, guided dinner conversation is a must and the hosts or hostesses should keep this well in mind.
Of course not everything said by the guests can be controlled, but at least, efforts should be made by the organiser or hosts to keep the discourse within the norms of civility and politeness. Spilled soups, shiners, shouted obscenities and broken furniture are hardly beneficial for the tranquillity, peace of mind as well as digestion of the esteemed dinner guests. When failing to preserve peace and good taste, some guests will become quite irate and leave, never to attend any of these social gatherings again.
It is - for example – not prudent to discuss one’s aches and pains during the aperitif. Let that wait and try to keep the subject of conversation on delicious food, recipes for favourite dishes and famous restaurants. For this purpose you may, quite accidentally of course, leave some beautiful coffee table books on cuisine scattered around for the guest to leaf through. It will induce the stomach juices and make your guests drool in anticipation of what is to come. The general discourse should ripple and an occasional “bon mot” or anecdote about dear old Aunt Mathilda will certainly help to keep everybody happy.
The conversation during the soup and afterwards, all through the meal actually, depends very much on the kind of people invited. Their disposition to each other is also terribly important but in general, topics like intestinal problems, dandruff, cannibalism and bad sanitation should be avoided at all cost as should politics and religion. It is more advantageous to the general merriment to talk and jest about mutual friends who have not arrived yet or have not been invited at all. You will immediately notice a keen interest among your table companions and the conversation from then on will take care of itself. All you have to do is – and this is the tricky part – try to keep it under control so that they all agree on the failures of those under discussion. Also wise is to make a subtle remark once in a while about the texture and freshness of the oysters or the juiciness of the “Chateaubriand”. People feel obliged to compliment and flatter the hostess or host which is always pleasant for them whether it is meant or not.
A choice of subjects during the main and third course called, the “Entrée”, may be the weather, the appalling traffic, the coming or past holidays, Oscar Wilde, the latest scandals reported in the Pattaya Mail or some other harmless topic everybody is likely to agree upon. The subject of sex – always a fascinating alternative – may be touched upon during the “Sole Meunière” but it is more suitable to bring it up with the coffee, liqueur and the pralines. This is also the proper time to discuss domestic problems, especially the cook and in some cases the ladies may express their contempt for their husbands. Of course this last indiscretion only when the beleaguered gentlemen are out of earshot boasting about their heroic exploits on the golf course or in the soccer pitch. A warning though. It is most hazardous and sometimes even fatal to humiliate the male of the species in public.
If you’re the host or the hostess and you want the party to terminate, mention how much work you have done on that particular day, how you slaved in front of the oven and how much you will have to undertake the following day. Add that you did not sleep a wink at all the previous night. If that does not work, ask your guests what time they usually get up in the morning. If nobody pays any attention to your subtle hints and makes preparations to leave, tell them the house is on fire. If they still ask for that last one for the road, as a last resort, you may try physical force. Consider not inviting these insensitive louts again.
The above essay is based on an article I wrote for a weekly family magazine with the unlikely name of “Impact”. It appeared in the October 7, 1972 issue. “Impact” was published in conjunction with the now defunct Bangkok World, an English language daily of great merits which demise was lamented by many devotees. The late Angelo Maiocchi created the original and most appropriate drawing to go with this literary masterpiece.