Driving license rules

It is legal in Thailand to drive with a home country license as long as it is backed by an international permit. The problem is that international licenses usually expire after one year. Long stay farangs can obtain a Thai driving license in Pattaya but must produce their first driving license, a current non-immigrant visa in the passport, a medical certificate attesting good health and a pro-forma letter from the immigration police. A letter from the applicant’s embassy is no longer required. To avoid taking the written driving test, which is in Thai, you can use the services of a lawyer or other intermediary.

Enjoy too much

A farang walked into a go-go bar in South Pattaya and noticed that the beautiful waitresses had their names embroidered on their dresses, just over their left breast. One lass, noticing the man studying her plastic card stating Nee, said “Do you like it?” The tourist replied, “Oh yes, it’s great, but what are you going to call the other one?”

Not satisfied

Extract from a customer’s complaint letter sent to the Bangkok headquarters of The Body Shop chain of retail outlets: “I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo. Its eyes bulged out and then turned red. If you tested your stuff on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn’t happen.”

Thai property laws

The Thai Cabinet has now agreed new proposals to allow foreigners to acquire property under fairly strict conditions, but these must go to Parliament for formal adoption. A little publicized change is that foreigners will be able to rent land on a 99 year lease, replacing the existing 30 year maximum contracts. Although the small print isn’t yet known, this change is worth watching closely.

Brain burgled

Burglars stole a human brain from a laboratory in Wickford, London, but left everything else untouched. The brain, which was in a plastic container in a liquid solution, was kept for research purposes. A police spokesman explained, “Two security guards attempted to chase the thieves but unfortunately they had a head start.”

Not knowing any Thai

An American lady was suffering a migraine from too much sun at Jomtien Beach and went to a local pharmacy. She pointed to her head and pulled a face to demonstrate pain. The shop assistant nodded and offered her a small bottle whilst rubbing his own head in sympathy. Back at her hotel, the woman showed the instructions to the desk clerk who looked at her head and said, “You need whole bottle I think.” Desperate to ease the ache, the lady put the bottle to her lips and drained the entire contents. “No, no,” shrieked the desk clerk, “you must not drink hair dye.”

Slow start to season

Although business is picking up of late, June and early July were poor months for most Pattaya bars and restaurants. Too many package tourists whose accommodation, meals and outings are pre-arranged, and not enough freebooters with bulging wallets. At least 20 leased entertainment premises and restaurants have closed since April. Many of them had been lavishly refurbished and a conservative estimate of lost cash would be 30 million baht. If you are tempted into the bar business, remember that Pattaya has absolutely no conscience about losers.

The letter box murder

Gregorio Fellini, said to have headed several foreign mafias during his 51 years, has been found stone dead in a 180 square meter luxury condo in one of the best areas of town. Police broke in earlier this week and found the shattered remains of his bald head on blood soaked satin sheets. A spokesman said it looked like murder. But a neighbor, nervously speaking through the letter box, stressed that Mr. Fellini always slept with a cordless phone and a Smith and Weston revolver. On the night in question, she had heard a telephone ringing followed by a loud explosion, thus suggesting the Italian had picked up the wrong hardware and blown his brains out.

Missing Roadhouse?

For travelers keen on the Roadhouse in Angeles City, Philippines, the newly opened Lipstick Bar on Soi Pattayaland 2, although smaller, is the spittin image, right down to the costumes. One big difference, however, are the luxury rooms upstairs - fit for a king. Word of caution, don’t trust Kelly when he says, “Gimme 200 baht, trust me.” You will feel like a fool and the T-shirts don’t even have pockets.