Spicy times at the Som Tam competition

by Teetha Clench
Pattaya Mail's Fashion Editor and Food Expert

Bo-bo-pen yang dork...lala laaaa! Oh! Hi! Hi! Teetha didn't see you. She was just singing a very well-known Lao or Isan song.
Yes, it's true. Teetha can also speak Lao. It's sometimes frightening when Teetha thinks of all the things she will, uh, can do.
Foreign tongues are one of Teetha's specialties too! She not only means in the sense of speaking but in the tasting of gastronomical delights.
Teetha just returned from a wonderful and 'fashionable contest' at the Central Festival Trade Center.
Teetha will explain for those less fortunate than she, who has an encyclopedic knowledge and 'hands on' experience of Thailand's culture.
As you all may know, Thailand is divided into four regions. Each region has its own language, culture and allure for Teetha.
Tonight we took a taste of the Lao men, er, menu. Well actually, both are really luscious, it's just that in a pinch, Teetha would much rather toy with a prime cut of beefcake, rippling with bulging bice... never mind.
Anyhoo. The Lao or Isan section of Thailand has a cuisine all its own. Volcanically hot, it is an ingenious combination of anything organic which one can find. Papaya Salad, or Som Tam as it known in the Isan region, was the 'cuisine of the evening.' Many of you may think that Som means 'orange' but it is not the case. Som actually means 'sour' or 'tart' in the Isan dialect. Teetha, being able to identify with all things tart, managed to bring this humble salad from relative obscurity and make it one of the most 'fashionable' dishes in Thailand. Tam means 'to pound with a pestle.' Teetha asks you! Who could resist such an alluring concept as this? When one thinks of the mortar and the pestle, two such complimentary things, it just brings up a perfect Yin-Yang concept and the burley waiters at the competition were so Yang that... never mind.
The salad is made in three ways. One is 'Thai', one 'crab' and the third is with 'Pla Ra'. (Fermented, or 'stinkfish' as one of Teetha's unfashionable friends calls it.)
To make it, shredded green papaya, baby dried shrimps, hot chilies, fish sauce, cherry tomatoes, and lime juice are put in a mortar. To make Thai Som Tam, one adds peanuts. To make crab, one puts in field crabs and for Pla ra the dreaded 'stinkfish' is added. Then one takes hefty pestle and pounds this mixture in the most vigorous fashion.
One then ends up with that treat of treats, Som Tam. Oddly enough Teetha doesn't like this dish as much as men, uh, no, men don't like this dish as much as women do. But men are not to be expected to do everything. The things that they can do, especially with a bit of teasi... never mind.
Teetha was in a quandary as to what to wear. She didn't want to dress in a traditional Isan outfit, as she would have outshone all the contestants. But, as always, Teetha received the perfect advice from her friend and genius designer Mince Aphai. Informing Teetha that a lovely butterfly pollinated the papaya flowers, Mince offered and made Teetha a beautiful set of butterfly wings. In dazzling purple and chartreuse! These were sooo lovely! They undulated back and forth with every step that Teetha took. She then donned a tight-fitting body stocking of Lycra-Spandex. Such realism!
She was fortunate enough to have two used car antennae. Spraying them with gilt paint and adding glitter, she attached them to her hair. To complete the effect, she wore a huge pair of rhinestone studded sunglasses.
VOILA! Teetha did have a bit of problems, as it was night and the glasses made it a bit difficult to see. But of course, Teetha takes advantage of every opportunity for... anyhoo, every time she tripped, she made sure that one of the waiters was very close and thus got to know how butterflies use their sense of touch to-...
When Teetha walked in, all eyes turned away from the pounding pestles to her, which is as it should be. The Isan cook's costumes just didn't have the subtle assertiveness of Teetha's outfit.
When the last pestle halted and the judges tasted, there was a sensation! Ms. Manthana, of the Phor Khun restaurant team had won two prizes, in the crab and the Thai Som Tam category. She brought her team a wonderful 8,000 baht prize. Teetha was so excited when she heard the judge had announced that the Isan Som Tam prize had been taken by natives of that region who are staff at the Som Tam Hern Fa (which means 'Sour Salad Which Soars in the Sky') Restaurant.
Teetha knows that you who read the Pattaya Mail on the web are truly envious that you were not here for such a stupendous event. You will all just have to wait for Y2K or visit Pattaya to experience similar excitement. As Teetha departed with all eyes on her, she watched for particularly toothsome young waiters against whose bodies she could... never mind.