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My boyfriend of four years went to work in Thailand. Three weeks before I followed, he met a girl and is now going to marry her. Im devastated! He didnt even tell me to my face - he told a friend to pick me up at the airport and tell me about it. I am staying at a hotel now and he refuses to talk to me or see me. This is the second horrible relationship Ive had and Im beginning to lose hope. What am I doing wrong?
Devastated
Dear Devastated,
You did absolutely nothing to deserve this pain. You just did what countless others have done before and will go on doing forever: you picked the wrong guy. Once or even twice does not a lifetime habit make. Problem number one is getting over this mistake. Problem number two is trying not to let it happen again. First things first: go home immediately! Destroy any pictures or letters that bring him to mind; throw out or give away any tapes or CDs you listened to together; tape a big "NO" on the telephone, fax and computer in case you are even tempted to contact him. Feel sorry for the girl stuck with a coward who uses a friend for intimate confrontation. As for not letting yourself ever get stuck with a jerk like this again, the trick is to think about what you want to change - not in the kind of man you attract, but in yourself. Send out different bait and you hook a different fish. Self-confidence is the best lure for a woman who wants a man to treat her well. Start doing what will make you feel more confident about yourself in other areas and you increase your chances of happiness in love. It can be anything from changing your hair color to skydiving to looking for a better job to learning a foreign language. Getting over him wont be easy. But, as always with important life undertakings, the harder it is to do in the beginning, the more successful it will be in the end. This sorry excuse for a boyfriend didnt devastate your world, he just shook it up. Now its up to you to put it back together again in a new and improved version.
Dear Hillary,
I never would have believed it if I hadnt seen it with my very own eyes. I think my husband is a cross dresser. I found womens tops hidden in the house, and whenever I look in his bag of supplies for his business trips to Bangkok, I find ladies underwear, the most recent being a two-piece underwear set. I dont know whether he uses the items to get sexually excited or if his stash of womens clothes means that hes bisexual. I dont know how to approach him with these questions, mostly because Im afraid of what his answer will be. What should I do?
Shocked
Dear Shocked,
First things first: cross-dressers, or transvestites, are not necessarily homosexual or bisexual. Quite a few men are turned on by the silky sexiness of womens clothes next to their skin. And not only are a great number of transvestites heterosexual males, many are fine husbands and fathers. Some women who find out about their mens fondness for female dress not only tolerate it, but actually turn their partners proclivities into a togetherness activity, by helping their guys out with shopping and makeup. Im not saying that is what you should do - Im not even saying that I could do it if I were in your shoes. You need to do whats right for you. Before you decide what that is, get the facts. Is he in fact a transvestite? Or is he a guy who gets a sexual thrill out of simply handling womens clothes? Or does he have a girlfriend in Bangkok, whom he brings those underwear? Its even possible that theres a genuinely non-sexual explanation for what you found. When you are ready inside yourself to hear the truth, ask him, without judgment and with concern for him as well as for yourself. Difficult though it will be to ask, there is no other way to find out, and your marriage will be more honest with your husbands true desires out in the open.
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Modern Medicine: Getting Older
Presented by Bangkok-Pattaya Hospital
by Dr. Iain Corness
I am staring at the date on the calendar. Another birthday looms imminent, but is it the cause for celebration? Or do birthdays become physical reminders of the inexorable aging process? They say the two absolutes in life are death and taxes. Forget the taxes, every day is another 24 hours you will never get again and another day closer to your eventual demise.
When you are as old as I am (with the family history of my tribe), every day is a bonus, so you do dwell on the results of getting older. Just what should we expect? And even more importantly, just what should we accept?
Lets begin with medical advice that you shouldnt accept, and which you will hear too frequently after you turn the magic 50. "Theres not much we can do about that knee/ankle/elbow/hip (delete those not applicable). Its because of your age." Never believe any doctor who tells you that the trouble you have in one joint (and not in the other) is because you are getting older. Politely tell this medico that your other joint is just as old as the troublesome one and as it is OK, it is obviously nothing to do with being older. Then get up, leave the surgery and dont pay the bill!
I fully realize that those are "fighting words", but older people should not be fobbed off by young medicos who havent been around long enough to understand the vagaries of getting older!
So what does happen with the "natural" aging process? Well, for one, the elastic tissues of the body slowly harden and lose their elasticity. This type of tissue is found in ligaments and in the skin. This is why you "creak" when you stand up and the joints move more slowly. This lack of elasticity in the skin also gives us those delightful furrows known by such dismal titles as "worry lines", "marionette lines", "crows feet" or just good old wrinkles!
Part of the "normal" wear and tear is a gradual wearing down of the smooth articulating surfaces of the joints. This can eventually produce the condition known as osteoarthritis in the weight bearing joints. Now you can see that this will affect the joints on both sides - not just one side.
You will also find that your stamina is not as good as it was. The ability to party on for all night is reduced, and it takes you a lot longer to get over an all-night bender!
However, there is very little that the older generation cannot do. If you want to try something and your general health is good - then go ahead and try it! Age is not a barrier to having fun. Go on, do it!
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Family Money : Seeds in the packet never grow
By Leslie Wright
Some people who have been contemplating starting some sort of savings plan may have been put off by the recent uncertainty in stock markets around the world.
They argue that its better to wait until its clear that the markets have recovered and are going up nicely before venturing into risky investments like stocks and shares and things which they dont really understand too well... After all, you can lose money on the stock market, cant you? Better leave it in the bank for the meantime where its nice and safe and earning interest...
The fact that local bank deposit interest rates are now lower than the current inflation rate - so in real terms their money is depreciating every day - doesnt seem to have occurred to them... if they can follow this counter-argument from B to C.
Central banks in developed nations are lowering interest rates precisely to stimulate their stock markets, which have had a bumpy ride of late.
We are already seeing positive sentiment returning to selected markets, which are now viewed by many analysts as good buying opportunities.
As to whether you should wait to start your savings program until the markets have sorted themselves out and are halfway up the cycle again, well, if youre planning to put something aside regularly and invest it for any period longer than a couple of years, it really wont matter too much what the markets doing right now, will it? Because between now and the end of your savings plan youll have averaged out your unit buying price, as I explained in detail a couple of weeks ago.
Indeed, you may find a few years hence that the price now was the lowest you paid for your units, and wished youd bought more of them while you had the chance!
Charges
Some people dont start up a savings plan because they believe that these plans always carry heavy charges, which they are fundamentally averse to.
While it is true that many plans on the market do incur charges which at first sight may seem onerous, either at the start or if you stop them early, this is by no means always the case.
Of course you might argue that keeping your money in the bank you dont suffer any charges or penalties for getting your money out.
Oh really? If you withdraw your money from a term deposit before its maturity date, you typically lose all the interest. Thats not a penalty for early withdrawal?
And having instant access to your money through a passbook or ATM card means your money is earning something like 4%-5% less than if it were on time deposit. Thats not a penalty for having accessibility?
And the difference between the minimum lending rate and the best deposit rate is still around 6-7%. Thats not a charge levied on your money?
The banks may not be so open as some other financial institutions in declaring what their charges are, but rest assured you are paying them, one way or another.
Any financial institution - be it a bank, a mutual fund company or a unit-linked insurance company - is a business which expects to make a profit.
It incurs costs in administering and managing your money, which it has to recoup.
In a highly competitive industry such as international financial services, the institutions concerned have worked out very carefully what they need to get back, and how much they can forego to remain competitive.
This is reflected in the differing charging structures of the wide variety of investment plans available nowadays.
There are short-term plans with no fixed term and no penalty for taking your money out whenever you wish.
There are medium-term plans with a high degree of flexibility and "loyalty" bonuses for longer term investors.
There are a variety of longer-term plans, with various charging structures designed to suit every type of savings investor. Your financial advisor will be able to help you select the ones most appropriate for your particular needs and circumstances.
Some plans do indeed have quite hefty penalties for discontinuing them in the early stages; but offset these by granting a very high degree of flexibility down the road. These are ideal for someone who wants to build capital over the longer term and believes hell be able to continue the plan through to maturity, but prefers to leave his options open, "just in case."
Other plans spread the charges throughout their whole term, and are ideal for someone who feels able to make a long-term commitment to regular contributions. Most of these plans are still highly flexible.
Certain other plans have more rigid structures, but these are imposed to comply with regulations which would enable the capital to be drawn down in their home country at maturity with either a reduced or zero tax liability. Rigidity equals tax efficiency.
Its always a trade off.
The more flexibility you require, the more it might cost you. The more accessibility you require to your money, the higher the charges or lower the bonuses.
It really boils down to horses for courses, and cost-effectiveness.
At the end of the day, it is not so important whether youre paying charges at the beginning, middle or end of a plan; what is important is whether it is a suitable plan for your particular needs and circumstances, and whether its cost-effective.
Let me give you an example.
A plan which pays for itself
An investor contributes $500 a month into a typical 12-year offshore savings plan.
Over the full term, he will have saved $72,000 into this plan.
At the industry "standard" compound growth rate of 10% p.a. (a reasonable and provable figure for US$ growth over the term in question), it is reasonable to expect this plan to be worth about $125,000 at maturity.
Now our investor wants to draw down a regular income stream. He decides to draw down just the growth each year, leaving the capital intact.
At 10% compounded growth p.a., he can reasonably expect to draw down about $12,500 a year on average.
In the next six years he will have drawn out $75,000 - $3,000 more than his total contributions into the plan, and he has generated new capital of $125,000 which remains untouched.
Hes already taken out all that he put in, and has $125,000 more capital than when he started. Quite simply, the plan has paid for itself.
How relevant now are the charges?
Far away future
Some people still in the flower of youth may put off starting a retirement funding plan with the excuse that they dont know where theyll be or what their income will be in a few years time - and anyway, retirement is still too far into the future to worry about now.
This is a fatuous argument.
It might surprise some readers to know that in my younger days I myself was guilty of this blinkered attitude, and naïvely imagined that Id be able to make enough capital from my early business ventures not to have to worry about retirement planning.
Getting divorced in California brought that train of thinking to a painful and abrupt halt, and made me realise Id better do something sensible to protect my future!
(Perhaps learning my lesson the hard way is one reason I feel so strongly about this particular topic now, because over the years Ive met too many people whove fallen into the same trap of complacency. Just like the family physician, an important part of my job is preventing, not just curing, the problem.)
Developed nations are already admitting either openly or indirectly through proposed changes in legislation (such as raising the retirement age to 70 in the U.K. and introducing a means test in Australia, as indeed already exists in New Zealand) that they will have insufficient funding to provide a state pension to the generations now under the age of 45.
This means quite simply that if you havent made independent arrangements for your retirement years (which are likely to be longer than your grandparents), those years wont be very comfortable - and you wont be able to rely on the state systems, even if you qualify.
It is true that some people are shocked and put off by the amounts of capital that realistically may be needed to provide for continuing their present lifestyles for perhaps 20 years or more after their salaries stop.
But behaving like an ostrich does not make the blow less painful when it comes.
On the contrary, without a financial cushion around you, you will feel the pain even more.
Just as a conscientious physician will carry out appropriate tests and tell you if these prove you have malignant stomach cancer rather than leaving you in a false sense of security with some mumbled platitudes about indigestion and some sugar-coated placebos, a financial advisor with professional integrity will tell you the painful truth of how much you need to save in order to achieve your financial goals and ambitions, having once established these with you.
Yes, you may get a nasty shock. You may indeed not be able to afford to save that much - just as if youre diagnosed with cancer you may not be able to afford the required amounts of radiation & chemotherapy if you dont have medical insurance (or maybe even if you have, depending on your coverage.)
The choices may indeed be painful.
But now you know the target, you know what it will take to achieve it, and your financial advisor will be able to help you work out an affordable way to get started relatively painlessly.
Just the same as pains in your tummy may be only gas, or may be symptoms of a variety of ailments far worse.
You can ignore them and hope they go away. But if they dont (and old age certainly wont), youd better do something about it before its too late and you have no options left.
Putting off starting something because youve still got plenty of time before you need to worry about it will cost you more dearly later, one way or another.
Better to start something - even if its way below what youve been advised or already know you need to be putting aside regularly - than waiting until you can afford the full amount that may be required.
Because that day will probably never come.
Each month, each year you delay getting something going will raise the amount you will need to put aside to reach that same target.
And this means either you wont reach your goal, or you will be inclined to take on undue risk in the hope of getting there by a shortcut.
Reaching that target will become more and more unlikely, and the attempt more and more painful as time passes.
Its never too early to start saving. Even modestly. And let me assure you, time does race past faster each year!
If you have any comments or queries on this article, or about other topics concerning investment matters, write to Leslie Wright, c/o Family Money, Pattaya Mail, or fax him directly on (038) 232522 or e-mail him at [email protected]. Further details and back articles can be accessed on his firms website on www.westminsterthailand.com.
Leslie Wright is Managing Director of Westminster Portfolio Services (Thailand) Ltd., a firm of independent financial advisors providing advice to expatriate residents of the Eastern Seaboard on personal financial planning and international investments.
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