Sir,
Recently the letters page of the Pattaya Mail has
featured many articles written by disgruntled road users and pedestrians
alike who are appalled by the inability of Thai drivers to respect the law,
or the inability of the police to effectively enforce it.
To this end I have compiled, ‘The Thaiway Code’
(scooter version). It reads a bit tongue in cheek but this information may
help YOU take evasive action should you be confronted by any of the
following.
1. It IS possible to transport a family of four or five
on your scooter for a shopping expedition.
2. It is also possible to carry six sacks of rice.
3. When there are two people on a scooter, the person who
steers doesn’t necessarily have to sit at the front.
4. If your mobile rings, don’t stop, answer it.
5. Very young children who are capable of standing must
do so whilst holding on to the handlebars.
6. Never wait to join the opposite carriageway. Scoot in
the opposite direction to the traffic and then cross at a suitable moment.
7. When turning right, commence the manoeuvre early.
Preferably by three bus lengths, this will ensure that all other road users
become invisible and that you never overshoot the junction.
8. If the traffic lights are on red and the coast appears
clear, go for it!
9. If the coast isn’t clear, turn left, U turn and turn
left again.
10. Get in front of stationary vehicles by any means
possible. This includes mounting the pavement (Look for the specially
designed disabled persons access ramps.)
11. When turning left out of a junction, never stop or
look (The ostrich manoeuvre.)
12. Helmets are for people with two hundred baht in their
back pocket (cost of a fine).
11. The front basket of your scooter is used for carrying
your helmet.
12. Never on any occasion queue in traffic. Weaving
between vehicles is mandatory.
13. At traffic lights get to the front of the queue by
any means possible (see No.10). Once at the front, keep edging forward as
far as humanly possible. This will ensure that no one else steals your pole
position.
14. Only retreat from the pole position if you find that
you are obstructing a very large vehicle that is attempting to turn left or
right. Then cause as much confusion as possible.
15. The black and white stripes painted on the road at
traffic lights are not for pedestrians, it is your starting grid.
16. In the event of the starting grid being full, block
the left hand filter lane. Should a car then wish to use this lane you may
then legitimately move to the pole position.
17. Scooting against the traffic is okay if you are
travelling a short distance.
18. Finely judging the traffic light sequence increases
the possibility of your red light appearing green by a ratio of 3-1.
19. When U turning at a roundabout, never on any occasion
circumnavigate it.
20. Rear view mirrors are for applying makeup and
removing grit from the eye.
21. Blind other road users by fitting green strobe effect
lights. These are a great alternative to the boring, bog standard red and
yellow light cluster combination.
22. Ensure that other motorcyclists keep their distance
by fitting an upward facing ‘Big Boy’ exhaust pipe.
23. If the sun is exceedingly strong, all female
scooterists will control the bike with only one hand. The other hand must be
used to obstruct her vision by holding a flattened milk carton or cat
against her head.
24. Elegance is a female passenger with a skirt sitting
side saddle. The word for two of these beauties hasn’t yet been invented.
25. All motorcycle taxi drivers are immortal.
Hope you like it.
Paul Keith
