by Dr. Iain
Corness
You’ve
probably seen my last name is the same as Dr. Iain’s. That’s because
he’s my Dad. The idea that I should write the last Local Personality
column for 2004 wasn’t his, though. It was Peter Malhotra’s, and since
he is the boss of the newspaper, my Dad agreed. I like my Dad because he
agrees a lot, especially if it’s something I want! Mind you, I was going
to need Dad anyway, since I am only coming up 10 months old, but I have
had my eyes open all that time, so I haven’t missed much.
I have listened to the big people talking about how
much they remember of their baby days, and they don’t remember much. Mum
says Dad can’t even remember what he was supposed to do today. Even
people he hangs around with, like Kim Fletcher, he can’t even remember
what he did last night. But I do, because I was there and I saw him
drinking all those glasses of smelly stuff. Hasn’t he ever heard of
milk? I should have a word with Queen Edna, his mother. But I enjoyed
myself winking across at Leo Payne, who was also pretending to be asleep.
Leo’s a nice boy, and I think my Dad thinks he’s
going to fix me up with Leo, but he’s got no chance. I’d rather pee my
pants than go out with boys at this stage.
Talking about peeing my pants, if you tug at the leg
holes of the nappies, you can let the whole lot go over anyone you sit on,
and they don’t know for a second or two until it soaks into their lap.
Funny? I laughed so much the other day after I peed on the next door
neighbour, that I peed myself again, all over Auntie Mai, my Nanny.
Mentioning milk, it took me a while but I’ve now got
the milk bar thing worked out. My Mum Som’s got a milk bar, and hers
beats any of the stuff that they keep on bringing back from the
supermarket. The temperature’s right, it’s always there and anyway I
like the way Mum holds me when I go for a drink. Unfortunately it’s
becoming a long time between drinks these days as I hear Mum telling Dad
that she wants to wean me. However, I just play my ace at night and she
gives in. It’s amazing what a plaintive wail will accomplish. Took me
ages to get the tears in the eyes to come at the same time, but as they
say, practice makes perfect. Of course I’m lucky in that I still get to
sleep with Mum. Leo tells me that his Mum and Dad put him in a prison cell
every night and he has to shout into a microphone if he needs something.
He is just so scared that one night there’ll be a power failure and
he’ll have to go and get his own bottle of milk. I wouldn’t like to
live like that, but if Leo doesn’t know how to train his Mum and Dad by
this stage in his life (he’s over one year old, for goodness sake), then
I’m not going to tell him.
Sometimes after I’ve had my drink at night I feel
like playing with Dad, but he’s usually gone to sleep. I’ve heard him
tell people that if he were supposed to stay awake he’d have a milk bar
like Mum, but I’ve found that a series of well aimed kicks always gets
his attention. In the dangly bits in particular. He even calls me David
Beckham some nights, not that I’d like to be like him. That’s a
terrible hair cut he’s got.
Talking about hair cuts, my Mum went silly a few months
back. I heard her ask Dad if it were OK if she cut my hair a little. I was
about five months old at the time, old enough to know what I wanted out of
life, if you get my drift. Anyway, in the middle of my usual bath and hair
shampoo routine, she gets out Dad’s razor and shaves me! There I was
doing Yul Brynner impersonations! I was actually a bit worried for a while
that I was going to be dressed in white and taken to our local Wat. Not
that I’ve got anything against nuns, but I’d like to have had the
choice! Of course that wouldn’t happen now that I’m so much older and
more mature. And I can scream the place down when the going gets really
tough.
Tell you one thing, though. That damn Leo keeps on
lording it over me, just because he can walk and I’m still crawling. I
was in the pub the other night and I saw the cocky little b*st*rd fall
flat on his face. Laugh? I was looking around for someone to pee on, I was
laughing so much. Anyway, he’s older than me, so he’s supposed to do
the two legged thing. I could do it also, but I don’t want to fall on my
face like Leo. You see, being a ‘Luuk Krueng’ means that I’m
destined for TV, so my face is my fortune. Mum has even told me that I’m
to be Miss Thailand World 2024, so I hope Dad’s saved up enough money by
then, as it won’t come cheap I imagine. He’s already complaining about
the cost of the milk powder, but he can have that out with Mum. She’s
the one holding back on the free milk bar!
Anyway, I hope you all have a good New Year, I’m
certainly looking forward to my first birthday, though getting old does
worry me a bit. You’ll have to excuse me now, the cat’s asleep and I
think her tail’s within reach! And after I give it a big yank Mum will
come and wash my hands again, and I’ll have a crack at the milk bar.
Love, Marisa.
