HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]:

Pattaya - warts n’ all

A man’s game? Not any more!

First Impressions

Pattaya Marathon - too long?

Something to ponder over!

Pattaya - warts n’ all

Dear Pattaya Mail
I read with interest Patrick Lane’s letter ‘Charm ‘offensive’’ in the Friday 14th edition of Pattaya Mail. In it he states ‘it would have been nice if they had read my letter a little more carefully’.
I have read his last letter carefully and am wondering exactly what he meant by ‘people who move to Pattaya should make it more like home’.
Does he mean people should adapt to their new life and accept that it ain’t like their previous home at all, which is presumably why they are here instead of there, or does he mean ‘try to change everything you can to make it more like the home you left, complete with the chintzy curtains, carpets, toast and Oxford Olde English marmalade for breakfast, if not The Full English Breakfast etc. etc?’
I remember a very sad program on British TV many years ago which was about giving would be expats a choice of properties to view, mostly in Spain, most of them with the aforementioned chintz curtains, heavy furniture, carpets et all! ‘Loverley!’
I also remember the sad Brits on holiday in Greece in the film Shirley Valentine - when offered Squid - ‘EUUUGHHH!’
Pattaya is a wonderful place, warts and all, enjoy it for what it is while it lasts!
Best wishes
Richard Walton

A man’s game? Not any more!

Dear Mailbag
Again at the World Cup, a call is made for more referees on the football pitch. From my observations there already appear to be twenty three. Many point out the obvious downward spiral of “the beautiful game”. Perhaps ONE referee like myself could reverse this unhappy situation.
I would: 1) Keep my whistle zipped in an inside pocket. 2) “Injured” players would remain where they fell, until they could shake off their injuries, or crawl/hobble to the touchline: Only exceptions - unconsciousness or limbs at unusual angles. 3) ONLY the team captain would be allowed to approach me, and then only for an interpretation of the laws, not to dispute... a la Rugby. 4) A penalty would be a rare event, only awarded when even the most bigoted supporter would find it hard to disagree. 5) A free kick would never be awarded when a player falls due to bodily contact. I notice they can proceed after scoring with half the team piled on their backs.
And as a final note, the fact that Christiano Ronaldo could even be considered as a ‘Best Player’ is a sad indictment of the state of the game, and that the man who excused his antics, and incidentally those of the deplorable Rivaldo 4 years ago should be considered as an England manager.
The great Pele defined a good soccer player as “A Man, an Athlete and Skilful”. How unfortunate that so few measure up to the first requirement these days.
John Angus

First Impressions

Dear Mailbag
Last week I drove to the airport at Bangkok to pick up relatives who were visiting Thailand for the first time. It was my first attempt at this and after some difficulty I found the appropriate car park and managed to park on the very top floor as it appeared that it was double parked all the way up to the top. Presumably this problem will be resolved with the new airport.
Having picked them up it took about ten minutes to exit the car park and I then proceeded to leave the airport by the only route I could see and one that I had seen used on the times I have been picked up at the airport.
I had travelled less than a minute from the car park when I was pulled over by a policeman who explained in Thai (translated by my girl friend) that I had used a bus and taxi only exit. I told him it was my first time driving at the airport and was very sorry but after looking at my license he said I could pick it up from the police station in 3 days. I explained I was driving back to Pattaya so he asked for 1,000 baht. After several minutes of trying to plead my case he lowered this to 500 baht which I paid. Needless to say I got no receipt.
My relatives who had heard of Thailand as The Land of Smiles and how hospitable the people would be were experiencing something entirely different within their first hour in the country. My girlfriend was most embarrassed by the policeman’s actions and manner and was concerned they would get the impression that all Thai people would behave in this way.
With all the more serious traffic offences that occur unpunished every day in Thailand, a quiet word of warning from the policeman would have been more appropriate and portrayed an image of a country that wishes to welcome visitors not scare them away.
Regards
Harvey S

Pattaya Marathon - too long?

Dear Mailbag
Well done to the organisers of the Pattaya Marathon 2006.
I had a great view of the event from the rear of the field. As I saw it there were no safety issues. The course was well marshalled with plenty of police in attendance, the majority of whom were awake even at such an inhospitable hour.
There was just one spot that caused slight confusion. After climbing up from Jomtien and reaching the crossroads where a right turn goes to the Big Buddha and a number of roads lead off to the left; one up to the observation point, another to The Royal Cliff, there were no marshals, no police and the cones which had cordoned off the running zone suddenly disappeared. When you are extremely tired you don’t need doubts as to where to go.
There were sufficient first aiders along the course some of whom seemed to be giving out cotton wool. Another Thai mystery?
A big thanks also to all the youngsters at the drinks stations along the route who looked suitably confused at my request for a Chang.
Just one more complaint - iced water is not necessary; it is too cold for the system and can lead to stomach pains. A number of fellow competitors voiced the same view.
All in all a great event but disappointing to see only about a dozen farangs take part.
No doubt there were plenty in the half marathon which I failed to see, everybody having gone home by the time I finished.
Just one further complaint... the marathon is far too long. Please make it shorter next year!
Nigel Oakes

Something to ponder over!

Dear Mailbag
The following are some words of advice based upon many seasons of living in Pattaya. The moral of the story is for everyone to have a safe and healthy vacation. Several threats to your personal safety that you may not have considered are included. Take them at entertainment value, or apply them in good health:
1) *Jethro Tull’s Aqualung lyrics about snot dripping down his nose*
In the outdoor beer bars for the most part, order bottled or canned beverages and drink from the container directly. Most bar staff are hopelessly clueless or couldn’t care less how to properly wash, rinse, and sanitize glassware. You certainly don’t want the beer mug that was given a cursory splash in the hand sink after being used by a person with the flu.
2) *When smoke gets in your eyes*
Make visits to the discos and go-go’s short ones. Keep in mind when admiring the reflections in the glittering chrome poles, that it is a medical fact - ‘Second Hand Smoke’ Kills. Unlike the unknowing or uncaring staff, or that chain smoking soul mate, you can have one or two cold ones and then run for the door. Most of the local tobacco is the harshest, nastiest weed on the planet.
3) *Look both ways twice and run, don’t walk, across the street*
Also, don’t even think of renting a motorbike here. It is not a matter of IF you will have an accident; it’s just a matter of WHEN. Every local, and I mean EVERY local, has scars upon scars to prove it.
4) *Don’t jog or exercise along the Beach Road or 2nd Road if at all possible*
There’s a good reason many police and motorbike taxi drivers are wearing surgical masks. Their physicians advised them to wear the masks! The exhaust pollution from baht buses and tour coaches is deadly. Airborne diesel particulate, per the latest medical journals, as evidenced by the omnipresent blue fog on the streets here, is so fine it penetrates the deepest recesses and is a total horror for the health of the lungs. Give it two weeks of strolling the beach road and you too can have a muffled cough.
The Ambient Air Quality monitoring vehicle, all modern and new with probes extended, which is parked across from Soi Diana, is actually a C.I.A. telecommunications surveillance operation! I would love to see the pollution data from this monitoring station, especially if it were relocated to the gridlock of the Beach Road or at the lights at one of the intersections. We have to have test readings that are among the worst in the world.
*Bonus Round*
You know those little stings of coloured yarn the local laundry sews into the labels of your clothes so they can keep track of what belongs to whom after everything comes out of the same, shared wash load? What would happen, for a not so far fetched example, if your dirty clothes were laundered with the dirty clothes of say three ailing individuals with contagious diseases?
Commander Spock raises an eyebrow and exclaims, “Fascinating, Captain.” Just something to think about: Where have the clothes been which are about to mingle with your clothes in the communal laundry?
In conclusion, Pattaya City should remove every diesel motor in every baht bus and weld them together in a giant pyramid as an attraction at some theme park or as an environmental monument. Have the Royal Thai Navy submerge the hundreds of baht bus coach bodies at an appropriate location at sea. Give the coral a few years and, voila, you have baht bus reef!
Oh, and what of the looks on the package tourists faces from China as their behemoth motor coach pulls up being drawn by a team of a dozen elephants? The driver could only dream of the old days where he flew down the Beach Road at full throttle, as they all enjoy doing, belching out volumes of suffocating black particulate.
And finally, would someone please be kind enough to contact my employer and explain to them why I did not return to work back in March.
Signed,
Flounder, M.D.

Letters published in the Mailbag of Pattaya Mail
are also on our website.