Dear Hillary,
I write in response to a letter in your 25th Oct edition on the ever-popular subject of Bargirl/Farang relationships from a gentleman who claims 47 years in Thailand.
I don’t know his social circle, but his comment that almost all retirees to Thailand are ‘functionally broken personalities’ is frankly risible and if he has indeed ‘seen it all’ little wisdom seems to have sunk in.
His frequent use of the word ‘Whore’ to describe bargirls also speaks volumes as this word is rarely used in a neutral or descriptive sense, but invariably to denigrate and demean – as indeed his tone and content showed.
However, I did not principally write to you (the first time I have ever written to a newspaper) to discuss his opinions, but to reflect that they are all too common and seem to be accepted by some as received wisdom on the subject of Farangs forming relationships with Thai bargirls.
I know you to be fair minded and open to other views, so here goes.
Please permit me to comment on what I observe and feel, as a corrective and balance to the endlessly repeated (and often exaggerated) horror stories, which invariably are also only giving one side of the tale. There are many, many thousands of successful and long lasting such relationships, often involving children, in Pattaya, Thailand and across the World.
As the manager of a popular Sports Bar in East Pattaya I see and meet them every day. Don’t believe me? Let me take you on the school run where many Farangs are picking up their Thai/Farang kids. This being Pattaya I’ll bet my pension a fair percentage of the mothers are ex-bargirls. Sure, some Bargirls are bad, some very bad, but many are also good with a surprisingly large number of them very good for the right guy who treats them well and is true.
My advice, for what it’s worth. Take your time – like any partnership, work at it, understand the culture with tolerance, watch out for red flags and remember that long-distance relationships rarely last i.e: recognize you will either have to move to Thailand or take her back to Farangland.
Last and not least, try to be faithful – even in Pattaya – the inability of some chaps to keep their trousers up is the number 1 reason I’ve seen for partnership troubles – far more than any bad behavior by the Lady.
But there are times in life when you have to take a risk for happiness, I did and my ex bargirl and I are blissfully married after 8 years together and was the best thing I’ve ever done – a much more common story than some suppose. Of her close friends when I met her in the bar, one is married and pregnant in Sweden, one settled in Australia, a third living in Korat with her German partner and the fourth still bar-working.
If the relationship fails, unless you have been particularly stupid, what have you lost? A scar on the heart and a bit of cash, with the plus point of time in the company of a lovely, sexy young Thai woman and a million warm memories.
Sorry for going on, but the constant negativity does grate after a time, happy couples don’t normally talk about it much to newspapers or on the internet, so the whole subject is often distorted and the nay-sayers have the field to themselves.
I’m aware some feel the need to warn others of the dangers, fair enough – however patronizing this can be, but I do sometimes wonder how many potentially wonderful and happy partnerships are nipped in the bud because the chap has been frightened off by all the doom and gloom from the ‘know-it-alls’.
Dave Darkside.
Dear Darkside Dave,
You are certainly an avid observer of human beings, from behind your sports bar, while polishing the glasses. I am sorry I did have to hack a chunk out of your letter, it was a little lengthy. Unfortunately, as you point out, the happy couples are not known for gracing the pages of this newspaper, but those with an axe to grind certainly do. It is impossible to guess just how many Farang-Thai relationships fail, but when you look at statistics from other countries, failure rates are around 50 percent. I also note that you look at marriage with a Thai lady as a financial partnership. The old fashioned concept of “love” doesn’t come into it. A bit sad really.
