Dear Hillary,
I found out that my wife has been cheating on me. This was a great shock, as I thought everything was OK in the household. We were not fighting or anything like that. I only found out because she came home drunk one night, after being out with “her friends” and after I challenged her, spilled the beans that she had been out with what she called her “gik” and not her friends. He is married and has grown up children. She said she wanted our marriage to continue (12 years and we have three children) and said she would finish the affair. Everything seemed to be OK again, but six weeks later when she was up country for a family funeral, she meets the guy again and spends a night with him. I found out about this accidentally another six weeks later when I saw messages on facebook between them.
My friends are all saying kick her out, but she is the mother of my three children and was a good wife until recently. She says it will never happen again, but that is what she said the first time. She realizes that I cannot trust her, but is asking that I give her time to show that she can be trusted again. I can forgive her, Hillary, but I cannot forget it, and every day it goes through my head again. What’s your opinion on this? Let her stay or finish it now?
Bill
Dear Bill,
I applaud your decision to not do anything as a knee-jerk reaction. As you say, she is the mother of your children and had been a good wife. After 12 years, a certain staleness can happen even in the best of marriages. I think your wife has shown a rather immature side to her nature, and has risked destroying the marriage. The gik is also a very selfish person, willing to have an affair with a married woman with children, knowing that these things always get found out sooner or later, and that the family unit can be broken by his actions. Provided you can find it in your heart to forgive, I would suggest that for the sake of the children, keep the family unit together. I would be insisting that all contact be cut off between your wife and the gik, and I would give her time to show that you can trust her again – but if she were to have another affair, it would definitely be the end of your relationship.
