In your own personal battles between the “ego” and the “spirit,” who usually wins?
Dr. Richard Gayton, a clinical psychologist, talked about ego and spirit when he spoke to the Pattaya City Expats Club on Sunday, March 22, on the topic of “How to Get Along with People You Don’t Like.” In addition to being a psychologist, Richard is a movie producer, director, and author. He is currently living in Thailand while working on a film project.
Richard said that to get along with people you don’t like, you need to understand the concepts of ego and spirit. These are the two main parts of being. He described two states of feeling that relate to the concepts of ego and spirit; they are fear (which goes with ego), and love (which goes with spirit). Richard believes that people are always in one state or the other.
Dr. Richard Gayton, PhD, explains to his PCEC audience the concept of ego and spirit and how to reject the influence of the ego (fear and conflict) and embrace the spirit (love and peace) as a way to get along with people you don’t like.
He described “ego” as a “puffed up” state. When he is in that state, he said, he tends to be afraid and in conflict with other people. For example, when he rides a bike, his ego tells him that there are other people on the road who might hurt him, like the lady with food cart pushed into his path or a songthaew swerving toward him. The spirit, on the other hand, is calm and loving. Richard says that spirit is constantly running “in the background of life.” But the ego is very controlling and always ready to take over; it is the storehouse of animosity.
To understand how ego affects you, Richard recounted a traumatic experience that he had in 1987 in California, when his wife was murdered in the course of a home invasion robbery while he was at work. His life was turned upside down. He experienced what he calls an “ego attack.” He wanted to die. Then, he wanted the people who invaded his home to die – not just to die, but to be tortured as well. The culprits were caught five days later. When the prosecutor asked him if he wanted them to go for the death penalty, he said, “Hell, yes!”
A smiling Jim Jones, a winner in the raffle to provide funds for the children at Pattaya Orphanage, shows off his gift basket to fellow PCEC members.
But, then, Richard said, a lot of people reached out to him in love – they were being guided by spirit – and his thoughts turned to taking care of his three kids. He no longer wanted to die, and he no longer really wanted the people responsible for his wife’s death to die. The story of his wife’s murder and his application of forgiveness toward the perpetrators is told in his book, “The Forgiving Place: Choosing Peace after Violent Trauma.”
Richard mentioned that he was given two day’s notice that he would be appearing on Oprah Winfrey’s show to discuss what had happened to his family. His ego made him afraid of what he would say, but his spirit made it an easy experience.
Richard said that he thinks everyone has ego and spirit in them, whichever words they want to use. You could call them “anger” and “peace,” he said. Richard had some advice for people who have an ego attack: (1) Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective – understand that it is coming from their ego; (2) Try not to obsess about it – don’t repeat the story over and over, or resurrect old grievances; (3) Try not to do what your ego is telling you to do; (4) Forgive yourself for what your ego “makes” you do; (5) Find a way to get to the spirit side of you; (6) If none of the above works, ask for help from a friend; and (7) If you are lucky, friends may help without you having to ask. Follow this advice and you will realize that by following the spirit instead of the ego, you will find that you can get along with people you don’t like.
Further, when you are feeling bad about something, your ego can make it worse by making you feel bad about feeling bad, “Now your ego really has you on the run!”
Richard said that last January he worked for the release from prison of a women involved in his wife’s murder. Further, he sees this as a triumph of spirit over ego. Richard acknowledged, however, that his children don’t see it the same way.
Richard in explaining the bad effects of ego said that he had a brother who was an alcoholic. This caused their relationship to suffer. As a result, his ego was in control and caused him to say bad things about his brother to his children. As a result, they didn’t like his brother. But, in reality, Richard said, his brother was always very kind to his kids. His brother died two years ago. Richard said that it was only recently that he was able to forgive his brother.
During the Question &Answer session, Richard, in response to whether a psychologist can help, said yes, by making you see what your ego is doing. Richard was asked if he thought that sociopaths and psychopaths had spirit. “Everyone has spirit,” he replied, “but in some people it may be heavily disguised.”
After the presentation, MC Richard Silverberg brought everyone up to date on upcoming events and called on Roy Albiston to conduct the Open Forum, where questions are asked and answered about Expat living in Thailand, especially Pattaya.
For more information on the PCEC’s many activities, visit their website at www. pcecclub.org.
