PATTAYA, Thailand – Well to be more precise, two weeks in the Indian Ocean. We decided to leave Pattaya behind, and spend Christmas and the new year on a cruise, avoiding all the kerfuffle of the festive season. If you are fortunate enough for your presence to be in demand, accepting or refusing invitations can be a minefield of offences unintended. Best ship away to far off lands, thereby making ourselves unavailable. This cruise promised just that, or so we thought.
Embarking the cruise liner in Doha, we set sail, our final destination at the end of the trip being Mauritius. Ports of call in between included Abu Dhabi, Dubai, La Digue Seychelles, Poet Victoria, Nosy Be, Pointe De Galets Reunion Island. At one stage we were four days at sea. Enough time to establish new friends amongst the ships 2,500 passengers from probably 50 plus nationalities.
As a gay male couple, with my Thai partner straggling behind my good self by 30 odd years, we soon found ourselves being welcomed by 3 or 4 married heterosexual couples. All with their own histories to tell, each with amusing twists. Added embellishments welcomed, to make a good story. After all, whiling away the hours in conversations, when all at sea together for 4 days becomes all par the course.
The evening entertainment proved derisory. The Hypnotist urged 20 of the audience to all come up on stage, where he would put them in a hypnotic state. It all seemed ridiculously contrived. What I can say is that my partner and I found ourselves nodding off through sheer boredom. And we were not on stage as part of the act. The husband/wife pair from South America did tricks of magic, including her being ‘sawn’ in half. The only twist to this allusion that I have seen so many times before would have been if it had gone wrong. Thankfully it didn’t.
The comedian, who informed us over morning coffee that he had previously been in the UK police, probably should never have given up the day job. The ship’ acts were very much bottom shelf. But we could hardly ask for our money back. We found more entertaining, the wee Scotsman, a fellow passenger who was forever dressed in a kilt and sporran. At the stroke of midnight, new year’s eve, he produced a pair of bag pipes to give a renditioning of Auld Lang Syne. The amount of alcohol he had consumed by this time, made it impossible. He found himself all out of wind. A true Scotsman, through and through, knowing how to celebrate Hogmanay.
One fellow passenger we got talking to, together with his wife, was very proud to tell us he had made his pile through wet fish in the UK. They now spent much of their time cruising. He was comfortably in his late sixties and spoke with a heavy Northern accent. His wife, age wise probably a decade behind him, bore no resemblance to the pre conceived image of a fishmonger’ wife. Far from it. She appeared an enthusiastic, well upholstered lady.
Packing for a cruise, to my mind at any rate, requires two very essentials. Two pairs of headscarves, preferably Hermes, come top of the list. These give peace of mind, should a catastrophe occur and the call to abandon ship sounds. Women and children to the life boats first. It will come as some comfort to the reader, that so far, these scarves have never been worn Secondly two good suits together with all the other paraphernalia to fit the occasion of attending the captain’ dinner. Alas there was no such occasion on this ship. And in all the fourteen days on board, none of our party caught sight of the captain. We felt reassured that he was actually on board, as he would make a daily announcement on the tannoy system around 11a.m. wishing all aboard a lovely day. Plus throwing in tit-bits on the weather forecast. Apart from that he remained anonymous.
The trips ashore at some ports of call proved almost a nightmare. No taxis available as all had been taken. Sometimes there was an alternative. A very hectic ride in a tuk-tuk. A valuable lesson learnt on hindsight would have been to sign up for one of the coach excursions. But I saw nothing in the blurb that particularly interested us.
So arriving in Mauritius, we had booked ourselves a 4 night stay at the exceptional Maradiva Villas Resort. Our villa with its own swimming pool faced the ocean. Two of the four restaurants did have a dress code, so our suits actually got an airing. Four nights allowed ourselves to recharge our batteries. Paying just over a tad of £500 per night was worth it.
This cruise gave me resolve. That of never going on another cruise. I have experienced 5 or 6 cruises over the years but this one broke the proverbial camel’s back, we shall stick to dry land holidays in the future. Even the second leg of our nine hour business class from Kenya to Bangkok with Kenya Airways, proved uncomfortable. At 3 a.m. I experienced difficulty in getting my bed to lay flat. The cabin crew did not offer to make up the bed in the first place until I eventually summoned them to assist.
