One of the members of the Pattaya Car Club is a very well read chap, with a wealth of engineering knowledge. He asked if I had read the Laws for Engineers. As I professed ignorance, he enlightened me, and now I am pleased to do the same for you.
Lord Acton’s Law – Power tends to corrupt, Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Albrecht’s Law – Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
Allen’s Axiom – When all else has failed, it is time to read the instructions.
Archimedes Second Principle – When a body is completely immersed in water, the ‘phone will ring.
Carlson’s Consolation – Nothing is ever a complete failure, it can always serve as a bad example.
Cheop’s Law – No major construction project will ever be completed on schedule, or within the budget.
Cheop’s Second Law – If the changes to a project are not carefully controlled, then the rate of change will easily exceed the rate of progress.
Cheop’s Third Law – Progress will be maintained until the project is 90 percent complete, after that there will be no improvement, however much time or money is expended. (Does this sound like the Pattaya Tunnel?)
Clarke’s Law – By definition, if you are examining the unknown you can have no expectation of what you will find.
Clarke’s Second Law – Great discoveries or key inventions are made by doing what all the experts or respected authorities agree is impossible.
Clarke’s Third Law – Any sufficiently advanced technology will be indistinguishable from magic.
Cohn’s Law – The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Equilibrium is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you have been doing.
Correspondence Corollary – An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half the data obtained must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your pet theory.
Cropp’s Law – The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
Cutler Webster Law – There are two sides to every argument, unless you are personally involved – then there is only one.
The Elephantine Rules – Getting anything done in this office is like the mating of elephants:
(a) Everything takes place at a high level.
(b) It is all accompanied by trumpeting, screaming and upheaval.
(c) It takes two years to produce any results.
Finagle’s Law – (1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it will only make things worse.
(2) No matter what results are required, someone will always be ready to fake them.
(3) No matter what results are obtained, someone will always misinterpret them.
(4) No matter what occurs, everyone believes that it happened according to his own pet theory.
Gigo Law (computing) – Garbage In gives Garbage Out.
Gumperson’s Law – The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Harvard’s Law – Under the most carefully controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, humidity and all other variables, the system will perform as it damn well pleases.
Horner’s Postulate – Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Hubbard’s Law – Life should not be taken too seriously, you will not get out of it alive.
More next week!
