Most of Pattaya’s 200 or so Here’s the Rub businesses recently reopened in town, only to discover that business is thin on the ground. Eggz Benedict, the transvestite cabaret artist who is currently unemployed but helping out at the Queen for a Day Spa, said, “The problem is that the only foreigners still here are pensioners who prefer to fall asleep in the massage chair rather than pay attention to what’s going on.”
Mind you, several sorts of massage are still illegal under the government’s phased relaxing of the pandemic regulations. For example, “soapy” massages are still out of bounds. But the problem is that nobody is quite sure what is the difference between a soapy and a non-soapy experience. A wannabe customer did ask in the lavishly equipped Lotion Notions Experience about a “soapy” but was told they did not have a tin bath. The manager did try to find the expression in an English phrase book but found only “soap opera” which wasn’t of much help.
Much has been written about the extra services which some Thai massage parlours are alleged to offer. But this suspicion seems to have got out of all proportion. A customer in a spa which has specifically asked not to be mentioned by name was recently promised a “happy ending”. But he was very disappointed when given for free a small glass of green tiger balm as he was leaving. A more satisfied farang was the one who told us that his “happy ending” was when the fire alarm suddenly went off and nobody remembered to ask him for the 300 baht minimum fee.
More evidence that business is not booming right now is the practice in some parlours for additional enterprises. Thus a Jomtien spa publicizes itself with the slogan “A complete haven for personal healing and discovery” but the message is somewhat downgraded by a handwritten notice nearby “Laundry taken here”. There was a cafeteria in Manila many years ago which advised, “Do not look for special friend downstairs please. What you are looking for is upstairs.”
Masseuses and masseurs are supposed to be professionally trained and the government policy states a minimum of 800 hours which may be as optimistic a goal as you are likely to read any time soon. One Swiss lady, undergoing rather rough treatment at the hands of a middle-aged masseuse at the Here’s the Rub Spa Paradise, did ask her, “Where did you receive your training.” The masseuse replied helpfully and candidly, “When I was in prison.”
In these hard times, some Pattaya massage shops are offering discounts. At the Comfoot Spa – and that’s not a typo – you can now enjoy an hour’s foot massage plus a 30 minutes’ ear spa for a knockdown 350 baht. An ear spa, not recommended by medical personnel, involves a tube heated by a candle being gently lowered into one or other of your relevant openings in an attempt to remove ear wax. Another spa is even offering free cookery lessons if you buy ten massage tickets in advance. This Covid-19 pandemic certainly has a lot to answer for.
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