Dear Hillary,
You get many letters about western men exploited by Thai women. What about the reverse? Here is a situation that I am involved with as part of the ‘rescue’ team of ex-pats who could see what was happening and have gone to help the Thai woman in this instance.
Fortyish farang man from the UK meets 30ish Thai lady. She is well educated, has a good job with excellent likelihood of promotion, owns her own condo and car. Pleasant, sweet but in a country of very attractive women, kind of ordinary looking. He tells her he is in “security work”, some for the government and because of that can tell her little else and it does explain his reluctance to answer personal questions. He also wants a joint account in the bank as he cannot show where “his” money comes from.
He is very presentable, dresses well and romances her and moves into her condo, but is strangely short of money. Several of her friends question her but she is very defensive. Eventually, after a few months her friends do some detective work and find that he is an unemployed guy with a wife and family back in the UK and they are looking for him. She confronts him – he gets angry and drives off in her car and she has not seen guy or car since.
Rob the Rescuer
Dear Rob the Rescuer,
Yes, my Petal, the reverse does occur, just as you have described. I showed your letter to a psychologist I know and he said, here is how it happens. Despite all the warnings from the actions of this chap and the warnings from her friends, they both continued in the relationship. So why? Simple – the co-dependent relationship works with two people who have damaged self esteem, where they shore each other up to hide their own personal deficiencies. These relationships can go on like that for years until someone comes to the ‘rescue’ – makes the two people admit to their inadequacies and it all falls in a heap.
You see, Rob, 30ish Thai ladies don’t have much of a choice when it comes to relationships. Unmarried by 30 is to remain a spinster as all the gorgeous young things snap up the eligible males (Thai and farang). This lady doesn’t even have spectacular looks to attract whatever males are left. “Kind of ordinary looking,” you say, damning the poor woman with faint praise. I am a great believer in letting couples like that work out their lives for themselves. For a third party to get involved, even though it is with the best of intentions, just places an additional strain on the relationship and it will end in premature failure.
So what are you and her friends going to do now? As ‘rescuers’ you do have some responsibilities here. You will not be able to give her self esteem back. The best you can now do is inform the police about the stolen car. You may be able to get that back. There is a fine line between helping and meddling. You should let the professionals handle situations like this in the future.
