Dear Hillary,

I see more Guinness Book of Records events for Thailand. There were all the massages at one time and then all the hula-hoops, and what a waste of time, energy and money! But since I reckon you can’t beat it, so in Pattaya I suggest we have one event being the greatest number of falangs ripped off by bar girls in one evening as one event, and then the greatest number of simultaneous “Hello Sexy Man” calls in one night, and finally the largest number of Viagra tablets swallowed by pensioners by 10 p.m. any night. I have ignored the chance of having the greatest number of ladyboys collected together on Beach Road at any one time, because they are really too mobile to be counted.

Would the Pattaya Mail like to organize one or all of these potential Guinness record events?

Michael

Dear Michael,

You have been reading the paper intently, haven’t you my Petal. And all your proposals look as if they could be done. But I am not sure that the Pattaya Mail would like to be involved in your events. The numbers have to be taken into account. How many people would be needed to count all the randy pensioners? And the countless numbers needed for recording “Hello Sexy Man”. I estimate you would need one person counting per bar, and how many bars are there in Pattaya? I agree we could get loads more Guinness records, but it’s just too difficult. However, the Pattaya Mail could be interested in the crochet bar coasters event. I’ll ask the Publisher when I see him next.

Dear Hillary,

I hear that it is lucky to walk under an elephant. Is this true? Has anybody been trod on? Where did all this start?

Ron

Dear Ron,

Yes, Thai people consider it is lucky to walk under an elephant, and to my knowledge nobody has been stepped on - but you pick a nice quiet docile elephant that is standing still and has its mahout with it. However, elephants do not tell you when they are going to relieve themselves and they pass an enormous volume of water when they do let go. You have been warned!

Dear Hillary,

I see the wai being done every day and sometimes to me. I have been told that there are very different forms of the wai, where do I go to learn?

James

Dear James,

Any of the Thai Culture classes usually run by the language schools can fill you in on the meanings of the wai. However, here are my tips:

1. Never start a wai - as a foreigner, the Thai people will wai to you as a mark of respect, and you return it.

2. When you return a wai place the palms together and touch the tip of your nose with your fingers.

3. No need to return the wai of service people in restaurants and bars.

Dear Hillary,

Why do so many of the guys who write to you want to paint the Thai women in a bad light? The word “prostitute” is not the way to explain or describe people with limited education, who are trying to maximize their earning potential, the only way they know how. These bar girls sacrifice a lot to give their families a better life than they would otherwise have. I wonder if these foreigners are getting what they think is a rip off because they are treating the girl like dirt in the first place. What goes around comes around, as they say.

My own experience is that you can meet some great girls and fall in love with a lady from a bar. You can also be treated like a king and rest easy with the feeling that you have found a long term partner. I have been with my Thai wife for some years and have been incredibly happy, and have never felt that I have been ripped off.

My own experience of a former western wife was that she gave up work once we were married and expected to never have to work again. She took more money from me in a month than my Thai partner has taken in two years and when we split up, she took anything left. I will take my chances with a bar girl any day over a falang lady. With any woman you will have to pay, one way or another. The Thai way is cheaper in the long run, believe me, and all you guys out there, start thinking and stop whining. Start doing the right thing by the women you meet and you will get the rewards double or triple, believe me.

Roger

Dear Roger,

You are quite correct, my Petal, though you have to be a bit careful, in fact very careful, when selecting a girl from the bars as your life’s partner. You have to be sure that you are not being given the political promises. There are good reasons why you should be wary, but I am glad your situation looks as if it is working out for you, even though two years is not a long time.