With low season now beginning to bite harder than a hungry dingo in a drought, the opportunities for beer boozers, ogling dens and Sierra Tango bars - as well as nosheries - to make a decent baht are severely limited. In recent times, scenes reminiscent of the era of Prohibition in the United States have added to the woes of those trying to carve out a living in Fun Town.

Sit in practically any chrome pole palace around the witching hour of 2:00 a.m. and you almost expect to see a latter-day Thai version of Eliot Ness come barging through the portals at the head of a squadron of The Untouchables singing, ‘Onward, Christian Soldiers’ and start taking to the Carlsberg kegs with an axe.

As I’ve said before, it’s not just the watering holes frequented by thirsty tourists that are being targeted, nor are the crackdowns confined to Fun Town. Thai owned, run and patronised fun palaces all across the country are being compelled to pull the drinking pin at 2:00 a.m.

In Afghanistan the Taliban have a Deputy Minister for the Prevention of Vice and Promotion of Virtue; perhaps the current government are taking a leaf out of their book.

In the initial stages of the crackdown, this fanatical Taliban-esque desire to put the brakes on alcohol consumption was somewhat selective. For example, the ogling dens in less popular areas were being forced to turn off the lights and music, chase out what few customers they may have had and batten down the hatches by 2:00 a.m.

However, in those areas with a greater concentration of tourists and ogling dens, the local plod were dragging the chain when it came to enforcing the 2:00 a.m. closing time. Some nights the dens manage to remain open until 3:00 a.m., sometimes only until 2:30 a.m. This was great for those places that got away with it, but completely unfair on those complying with the law.

Equally, why are some owners of ogling dens being told that their dancing maidens must now be more appropriately attired (preferences ranging from anoraks to full body armour) when chrome pole huggers dressed in similar fashion in other play palaces are permitted to still be clad only in g-strings and a smile?

Following a meeting between booze house operators and senior peelers last week, my spies tell me that from now on all entertainment establishments must have their lights out and music off come 2:00 a.m., no exceptions. Anyone found in breach of the regulations will be subject to on-the-spot fines and possible revocation of their operating licence.

Party Time: The Tahitian Queen 2 ogling den (Soi BJ, South Pattaya) is celebrating Steve’s 36th Birthday at 8:00 p.m. this Saturday (September 1). Nosh will be supplied, free (balloon chasers please note) by the newly-opened Warbler 2 (Pratamnak Road). There will be a special of 15 Kamikazes for a horn pull (750 baht) until midnight, and lucky number draws with special prizes all night. Rock on down, dudes.

Power of personality: If ever proof were needed that the presence of a popular talking head can make or break a boozer, then the rapid demise in recent times of the After That beer boozer (Soi 7) makes a compelling case. Mike, a former resident of Western Australia, was a major drawcard for many punters to After That but a recent stroke has meant he can no longer spend time tippling away with cronies and regular punters.

Additionally, the popular band and a large collection of long-serving bar wenches have left for possibly greener pastures and it’s no wonder the joint has become quieter than a graveyard at midnight.

The only positive aspect is that the new band, so I’m told, does excellent covers of Beatles tunes.

Worthwhile Websites: The appropriately named www.baronbonk.com with its attendant newsletter (Asia Bugle; a free service for subscribers) covers happenings in the entertainment industry in Fun Town as well as the Big Chilli, Phuket and occasionally Koh Samui and Chiang Mai.

Value for hungry: I’ve been making a nuisance of myself in recent times at Shenanigans (Second Road, next to Royal Garden Plaza), partaking of their big breakfast deal. I have to say that for those with a gluttonous appetite (yes, my hand is up) who enjoy traditional bacon and eggs then it’s worth every satang of the 95 baht impost. You get a couple of eggs, any style, bacon, tomato, a sausage, potatoes, as much toast and jam as you wish to consume and bottomless cups of either tea or coffee. I’m about to explode just writing this. The breakfast kicks off at 9:00 a.m. and can be plundered until 1:00 p.m.

If you’re cruising the World Wide Waffle, take a look at www.shenanigans-pattaya.com to catch up with what’s happening in the world of golf, Hash runs and Kim Fletcher’s drinking habits.

Cupid’s arrows: Although e-mail now seems to be the preferred mode of interaction between working girls and their foreign paramours, the old fashioned snail mail still has its users and when a letter arrived for one damsel who, to put it mildly, is hardly of tender years or svelte figure, she asked for a translation from a friend of mine.

To paraphrase the letter, the smitten foreigner wrote, ‘I am sorry I could not send you the money on the 30th, but I will send it to you on the 15th. We must believe in our love...’

The girl listened to the translation and then said, pointedly, ‘If he not send number 15, I finish with him.’ Ah, true love never ran so smooth.

My e-mail address is: [email protected]

The Top Class Entertainment group in Soi Pattayaland 2 hit the beach last week with their monthly extravaganza held at the Planet Rock nightclub. Titled the ‘Worldwide Beach Party’ it certainly was a party, with the talented performers from many of the Top Class bars strutting their stuff on stage.

Bronzed beach hero, host David Smith, catches a wave on stage.

Their webmaster, the diminutive David Smith, who showed off his hidden talents during last month’s Cabaret, was back on stage hosting the evening and introducing the musical acts from Rio, Casablanca and St. Tropez while the other ‘girls’ and boys put on their best swimsuits to show off their anatomical enhancements, while giving their interpretations of partying on the beach.

The finale took the crowd back in time when surfing was the craze and the Beach Boys were the hottest things on the sand. During ‘Surfing USA’, a number of patrons got hip and danced with the ‘girls’. The host grabbed his suitably pint sized surfboard and bounced right on in to the ‘mosh’ pit.

Next month’s show will be on the 19th of September and is called the ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ - guaranteed to be another Top Class Entertainment number.