Dear Hillary,

Many letters about western men exploited by Thai women. What about the reverse? Here is a situation that I am involved with as part of the ‘rescue’ team.

Fortyish farang man meets 30ish Thai lady. She is well educated, has a good job with excellent likelihood of promotion, owns her own condo and car. Pleasant, sweet but in a country of very attractive women, kind of ordinary looking. He tells her he is in “security work”, some for the government and because of that can tell her little else and it does explain his reluctance to answer personal questions.

He romances her and moves into her condo, but is strangely short of money. Several of her friends question her but she is very defensive. Eventually, after a few months her friends do some detective work and find that he is an unemployed guy with a wife and family back in the UK. She confronts him - he gets angry and drives off in her car and she has not seen guy or car since.
Roger the Rescuer

Dear Roger the Rescuer,
Yes, my Petal, the reverse does occur, just as you have described. And here is how it happens. Despite all the warnings from the actions of this chap and the warnings from her friends, they both continued in the relationship. So why? Simple - the co-dependent relationship works with two people who have damaged self esteem, where they shore each other up to hide the personal deficiencies. These relationships can go on like that for years until someone comes to the ‘rescue’ - makes the two people admit to their inadequacies and it all falls in a heap.

You see, Roger, 30ish Thai ladies don’t have much of a choice when it comes to relationships. Unmarried by 30 is to remain a spinster as all the gorgeous young things snap up the eligible males (Thai and farang). This lady doesn’t even have spectacular looks to attract whatever males are left. “Kind of ordinary looking,” you say, damning the poor woman with faint praise. I am a great believer in letting couples like that work out their lives for themselves. For a third party to get involved, even though it is with the best of intentions, just places an additional strain on the relationship and it will end in premature failure.

So what are you and her friends going to do now? As ‘rescuers’ you do have some responsibilities here. You will not be able to give her self esteem back. The best you can now do is inform the police about the stolen car. You may be able to get that back. There is a fine line between helping and meddling. You should let the professionals handle situations like this in the future.

Dear Hillary,
I know that my Thai GF is seeing other people when I am away on business (I have to work offshore for three weeks out of four), even though she denies it. My friends have seen her in the bar when she doesn’t know and they tell me what’s going down. Even though this isn’t what I want, I am not paying her a salary or anything, so she’s a free agent I suppose. Do you think I should do something to tie her down a bit, or will this have the wrong effect? I like her a lot, fun to be with, but it’s only for one week a month, so I think maybe it’s not worth going down the road any further. I’m just not sure.
Jim

Dear Jim,
I think you really know the answer to this already, my Petal, and you are just looking to me to back up your decision. This girl works in the bar, so her job is to make men happy, and really is just someone who is “fun to be with” from your point of view. That’s what her job is, Jim. To be fun to be with, and that goes for four weeks out of four, not one week out of four. Offering her a salary to stop working will not work. She has the potential to make much more than the average “salary” that most men offer, so why should she take it? And for that matter, what is she going to do for the three weeks out of four that you are away working? Go to the excitement of the village up-country? Would you trade the bright lights, the lady drinks and the endless supply of men with money to burn for planting rice for 150 baht a day? Of course you wouldn’t. Keep this girl as a friendly familiar face during your week’s furlough. Neither of you is in the position to go any further. Forget about tying her down. That does not work with Thai ladies who tend to be free spirits, especially when men are offering them free spirits!

Dear Hillary,
Will you take me round the bars one night? I need to know how to handle myself in these places. I’m too shy on my own.
Bill

Dear Bill,
No. You will find there is plenty of female company so you don’t have to handle yourself, nor get Hillary to hold your hand.