“For Hillary Only”,
Delivered anonymously, a selection of chocolates in a large brown envelope. No note, no letter, just the inscription “For Hillary Only”.

Dear Anonymous,
My faith in human nature has been restored. What a wonderfully sweet thing to do my Petal, without looking for credits. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope that 2011 will be a great year for you - you deserve it!

Dear Hillary,
I have met a really nice little Thai girl and she’s moved in and everything seems to be rosy but she doesn’t have much English, so we are having some communication problems, which is a bit of a worry for me, though she doesn’t seem to mind, and how long do these girls take to learn our language, Hillary, should I keep trying to get her to go to a language school or something and do you recommend one.
George

Dear George,
I think you are the one having communication problems, Petal. That’s one very long sentence, try popping in a few full stops every so often and your written communication will improve no end. Now I want you to repeat after me “I am living in Thailand. The people here are Thai. The people here speak Thai. I should learn Thai if I want to communicate with the people here.” Say that every morning before breakfast and take yourself to a language school - not your GF. You are the one with a problem - not her. OK?

Dear Hillary,
I have to remain anonymous, and choose my words carefully as not to be recognized. I have a niece whom I known since she was 12 years old. Two years ago she came to Pattaya to work bar. On her very first night a farang took her, they got married, he took her to his home country. But she could not remain because of her age - she will be 21 next month. She returned to Thailand, stayed home and faithful to him until the money stopped, as he fell on hard times, and looks as through the marriage is over.

Now she has returned to Pattaya, and is staying with us. Working nights and sleeping days here. I am extremely attracted to her, as I know her as the person she is, but only I know it, and would never do or say anything which could cause us all problems. First it bothers me that she has had to return to this line of work. The family is very traditional, knows what she is doing since my wife is her aunt. I would much rather keep her myself as a Mia Noi, and save her the indignities of her work. I agree I may have selfish reasons. But if this could be accomplished I could save her from the poison the life does to these young girls.

I realize the acceptance of a Mia Noi is only with the blessing of the first wife, a subject better left silent by the husband if he still chooses a peaceful household. It is my understanding the offer must first be made by the wife, and not the husband. I can afford to support her should she choose a different line of work, or until she can train to do whatever she likes then free to move on in a normal lifestyle. She is not brainwashed by the glitter, of street life, nor covets the things of it.

I have admitted to my wife I have distressing dreams about her without detail. I’m thinking the only alternative to not risking a serious problem is to find a way to remove her from our home, but presently she has no where to go. Then I am not faced with the torment of my feelings for her, or what she is doing, and with not seeing her, my attraction should wane.

Any advice here? I hope I have found a solution before I receive an answer because I know that usually takes two weeks.
The Uncle

Dear Uncle,
Yes, I think you should definitely remain anonymous if you want any sort of a quiet life in Thailand, and not be retrieving certain parts of your anatomy from the ducks. As this girl is only 21, your wife, her aunt, is probably in her 40’s. Are you sure you aren’t just trying to trade in the old model for a newer one? You write that you “would never do or say anything which could cause us all problems,” but you have already started to put that train in motion, Petal. Uncle, my totally misguided Petal, get the girl out of the house now. She is just using you as free board and lodgings while she plies the bar trade. You say she “is not brainwashed by the glitter, of street life, nor covets the things of it,” so why is she back there, when there are plenty of (agreed not so well-paying) jobs away from the bars? Living with her aunt and uncle is a free ride, so why is she in the bar trade? Uncle, get real and get her out of there fast.